Fronts
by Hurricane Jane
Summary: a different, less squeaky clean look at how Paige and Alex got back together. Takes place after Don't You Want Me Part 1. Eventual Palex. M to be safe.
1. Everybody Knows

-1Alex felt like everyone on the bus knew what she had done. She felt like all of their eyes were on her. She'd look back and they'd look away, but in her head, she felt like they knew. The drunk college girls on their way home. Young men with brief cases laughing. That creepy old guy who had to be homeless with the sideways grin in the last row. It was foolish, it was impossible that they knew, there was no way. Her over-hair-sprayed curls were tied back in a ponytail now. Most of the excess make up had been cried off while she threw up in the bathroom. Mel had patiently stood by and silently handed her tissues and make up remover until all of the eyeliner was gone. Bless Mel and her understanding.

Mel's sincerity didn't shake the terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. The wad of tens and twenties in the back pocket of her jeans only made her more uneasy. More obvious. It didn't comfort her the way it should.

Alex stepped off at her stop with a polite nod to the driver. He smiled at her. Shed been riding this route for years and she knew that was what his smile was all about. He was being polite and friendly. He always smiled at her. Since freshman year he smiled at her. Tonight, however, she couldn't help but wonder if the old man driving the bus knew too.

"Stop being so stupid," she sighed to herself. Instead of heading straight home, she found that her feet were pushing her towards the twenty-four hour drug store up the street. She hadn't planned on it, didn't intend for it to happen, but before she knew it, she was getting her ID back and flipping through the stack of bills for a ten to pay for the pack of cigarettes on the counter. The clerk's eyes widened at the sight of the pile of cash in Alex's hand, tucked so neatly between long fingers with long red nails.

Oh yeah. He definitely knew.

"Thanks," she rolled her eyes and pushed the glass door open and was back on the street.

She hadn't smoked in months. It was unavoidable hanging out with Jay back in the old days. More so when she was dating him. All those kids from the ravine, the guys from Montreal, everybody smoked. It was just something to do. Drink. Smoke. Fool around. She used to smoke a hell of a lot worse than cigarettes. Once she ditched Jay she'd tossed all of that aside and cut back gradually on smoking, but it still ate away at her. She was back in the habit real bad after the break up with Paige.

Fucking Paige. What the hell was the matter with that girl?

Paige didn't know she smoked. At least Alex didn't think she did. Maybe she assumed. Alex felt dead inside already after what she had done that night that a few cigarettes before she crawled back into her apartment seemed perfectly acceptable.

And necessary.

She let her backpack fall to the concrete and slowly eased herself onto the step beside it outside of her building. She took a deep drag and exhaled slowly, glancing up at the sky. She knew there would be no stars. The city was too bright. It was worth a try, though.

Alex flicked the ash off her cigarette before inhaling again. She shook her head slightly as she brought her cigarette to her lips. It still felt surreal. It was so hard to believe. A few minutes of "dancing" put half a month's rent into her Levi's and her mother's full time job was barely keeping them fed. How easily she had-

Wait a minute, easy? It was awful.

But not so awful that it wasn't worth it. Maybe.

She rested her elbows on her knees, her forehead in one hand, her half smoked butt in the other. She rubbed her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose. She was exhausted and had to be up for school in a few short hours. She squished the cigarette out on the concrete and hoisted her backpack onto her shoulder. She slowly climbed the stairs to her apartment, praying she wouldn't run into anyone else.

"You're home awfully late," her mother said. Emily was sprawled out on the couch with a few empty beer cans on the coffee table. The TV was on, but the volume was low. She'd probably been passed out there for a while.

"Yeah. I had a table full of snotty exec types that wouldn't leave," Alex lied as she breezed through the living room. Emily didn't say anything else. Alex was actually still impressed she was getting away with the lie. Her mother had never even asked where the bistro was. Didn't want to know the name of the restaurant. "Schmancy Bistro" had been enough of an explanation so far and there had been no questions asked about the stacks of fives that wreaked of liquor. Either Emily didn't want to know or was too naive to ask. Neither would have surprised Alex.

It was nearing two o'clock and she still had hours of studying to do for her exam tomorrow. She'd been doing so well. Alex would never admit to anyone that she was actually concerned about the upcoming tests, but she didn't want to tarnish her, so far, straight A semester.

Alex slid to the floor, her back against her bed and dug through her backpack for her notebooks. Crammed between her organic chem text and her calculus binder was a black and pink lacy number she didn't need anyone at school to know she had. She stuffed it under the bed and tried to focus on the review sheets before her. It wasn't long before she'd nodded off. Not even the beeping of her cell phone telling her she had missed calls kept her up.

---------------------

Across town, Paige was wide awake. It felt like she hadn't slept at all since she'd been back in Toronto. Between several hour power lectures from her mother, the revolving door of dates, her father barely looking at her... She used to be his baby girl. Now she was his big fat failure. Dylan was gone, her friends were all a mess and she had sufficiently ruined the best relationship she had by being typically self absorbed.

She felt terrible for what she'd said to Alex. What she'd done. She knew Alex had it rough, but just how rough she could never tell, because Alex wouldn't open the hell up and tell her. She'd known things were bad back when they were just friends, casual friends even, the lowest social rung of all, work pals. When they were inseparable, dating, girlfriends, whatever they were, she knew it was worse than she could have imagined, but now this? Alex was yelling, flipping out, showing emotions for Christ's sake. Rock solid Nunez had been crying every time she and Paige had a conversation. That was probably because they almost always ended in wretchedly hurtful fights, but still.

Paige rolled over and looked at the unpacked boxes in her bedroom. Dylan's moving to Zurich had been an extremely lucky break. Another night at home alone might have done her in. Her father wasn't speaking to her, her mother couldn't STOP speaking to her, she couldn't speak without bursting into tears. She just wanted to apologize to everyone. To her family. To her friends. The entire city of Toronto, the whole great nation of Canada, in fact, the whole fucking world, tell them all she was freaking sorry already. She just couldn't do it. She couldn't be what everyone wanted.

And it sucked.

The apology that seemed most important was on hold because some pretty brunette was not answering her cell. Paige wanted to be worried about her, worried that maybe something happened and that's why she wasn't picking up, but she knew she deserved to be ignored. She was a jackass. She'd said all the wrong things, as usual. She'd done all the wrong things and made a complete moron of herself.

She dragged herself off her unmade bed and peaked into some of the opened cardboard boxes. She'd done a haphazard moving job, using the age old "grab and stuff" method. She had no idea where anything was and the box she was looking down into had shoes, some clothes, some books, her old teddy bear, a few knick knacks and what appeared to be her lap top cables. Hm. She'd been looking for those. She pulled a sweater out of a nearby box and shrugged into it, pulling open her nightstand drawer in the process. There was a pink lighter nestled perfectly by a pack of butts she'd been saving for weeks.

Banting sucked. Marketing sucked. Dorm life sucked. The only thing she enjoyed at Banting was the smoking. Everyone at Banting smoked. Most of them were ripping potheads just to keep themselves calm enough to function. Paige hated that she'd succumbed to the peer pressure of a cigarette on the steps the first weekend of class when she came storming up the stairs looking like hell. A few girls from her floor that she kind of knew and had a polite wave and smile relationship with offered one to her. She was tall and thin with long dark hair and looked annoyingly like someone Paige knew too well and taking the cigarette from her seemed like a great idea at the time, but really it was just the beginning of thousands more she'd suck down when she thought no one was looking.

Marco was going to know in no time. Ellie was going to have a field day. Right now she didn't really fucking care and quietly opened the front door. She had her cell in her pocket just incase.


	2. Some place quiet

-1Alex woke with a start. There had been a crash in the kitchen. She was in an uncomfortable position on the floor in her room, curled up on top of text books. She was still dressed from last night and didn't really remember going to sleep. She was on her feet and bolted for the living room. Her instincts told her that crashes were bad, it meant mom was hurt. She figured it was Chad getting rough with her. She wasn't awake enough to remember that he was gone. Finally.

"Mom?" Alex called nervously.

"What?"

"Everything okay?" Alex rounded the corner into the kitchen. Her mother was leaning her elbows on the counter with her head in her hands. Everything that had been on the counter was now strewn about the floor. Emily picked her head up a bit to look at her daughter. Blood shot eyes. Hair a wreck. Sweaty.

Drunk. Again. Or maybe still.

"What?" Emily squinted.

"Nothing, Mom. Never mind," Alex shook her head sleepily and glanced at the clock. Shit. She over slept. She quickly ran into her room and stuffed her books into her bag and grabbed a t shirt off the floor. It was slightly cleaner than what she had on and didn't have the tell tale smell of late night public transportation and strip joints. She struggled into the black t shirt as fast as she could and was out the door and on her way to the bus stop.

---------------------

"Hey," Jimmy poked Alex with his pencil. She was sitting at her desk beside him, chin in hand and completely asleep. "Alex. Hey." He nudged her shoulder a bit with his fist.

"Huh? What?" Alex asked sleepily.

"You awake?" Jimmy grinned a little.

"Not really," Alex replied.

"I was up all night too. This is going to be murder," Jimmy nodded his head towards the stack of unopened exams ominously awaiting them on the front desk.

"No shit" Alex rolled her eyes and they shared a pained smile. She'd decided this year that perhaps Jimmy Brooks wasn't awful. She'd even go so far as to say she liked him. She helped out with his store, which she secretly thought was very cool, and had gotten to know him a lot more through Marco and Paige. He was always so understanding. Alex wasn't sure if he was like that before his injury or if his outlook had changed since then. She did know she was still harboring a lot of guilt over the events that took place. But she thought he was a cool guy and a good friend, and one of the more interesting ones in that whole group. She was thankful that out of all of them, it was passive pleasant Jimmy she was spending her class time with. He hadn't held much of a grudge against her, and if he did before, she didn't notice. He was never bothered by her and Paige even though he was chained up to Hazel at the time who had the most to say.

Also, when she and Paige were obviously in the shitter, he never asked dumb questions. He never asked at all, on purpose, and Alex liked that. She respected that. He'd told her that he appreciated her help at Squatch Wear and even more so appreciated her help at the fashion show and accredited some of their success to her. He liked having her around. She had a way with Paige that no one else had. Jimmy admired that.

Although through out the past week or so, he knew something was going on. It was obvious to anyone who wasn't as dense as Spinner. He didn't ask. He wanted to. But he didn't.

"Look, I know you've been working a lot," Jimmy began. Alex snapped up at him.

"Who says?" She said quickly.

"Uh, Paige," Jimmy looked away nervously. Alex rolled her jaw at the mention of the name. It still stung.

"So?" Alex asked coldly.

"Hey, Look. It's not like that. I just wanted to tell you that I miss having you at the store. It was cool having you help out. Paige is making the place all girly. It smells like lysol and hair products all the time," Jimmy gave Alex a knowing look. A shared look that made both of them chuckle and shake their heads. Women.

"I thought Squatch Wear was looking for someone with a feminine touch and a little OCD?" Alex let a smile escape. It was a sad smile. She didn't want to talk about Paige. Or think about Paige. Or even remember Paige existed.

"Yeah. I could use a little more of her OCD and a little less of her mopey face these days," Jimmy shot Alex a look. Alex squinted at him, unable to read him. She didn't have long, he glanced up at the teacher handing him his exam.

"Wait, what?" Alex asked, a strange feeling settling in her stomach.

"Nothin," Jimmy shook his head. "Good luck," he nodded at the exam being dropped on Alex's desk.

--------------------

Paige and Spinner worked most of the daytime hours while the rest of the crew was in class. It had made perfect sense when they were making the schedules. Now that Paige had royally fucked up her and Spinner's friendship-relationship-whatever, she was having second thoughts. These days they turned the radio up a few notches higher and didn't say anything unless it was absolutely necessary. She did all the work with the books and the displays. He chatted up customers and made sales, talking pretty girls into skimpy Squatch tank tops.

Today, Paige sat behind the counter with the inventory binder open in front of her, but she hadn't really looked at it for over an hour. She did look at her cell phone. Every few minutes. Over an hour had passed without a customer. Spinner had refolded shelves and shelves of shirts. Weekday mornings could be this way.

"You know, a watched pot never boils," Spinner finally spoke. Paige looked up, startled out of her daze, then blushed. Damn it. He caught her.

"I didn't know you knew anything about cooking," she shot him a weak smile. She leaned back in her chair lazily and pulled her long hair up into a ponytail. Spinner tried to focus on what she was saying and not how tight her thin white Squatch t shirt was across her chest. She wore Jimmy's shirts when she worked sometimes. More often lately. She seemed less put together. She also seemed unhappy, maybe just tired, but she wasn't her typical self, or her flirty self, from a few weeks ago.

"I know a thing or two," Spinner shrugged. She rolled her eyes and smiled. He smiled back. That pretty green eye roll got him every time. "I'm wiped, Paige. You look like you need a break, too. Why don't you go get us some coffees?" Spinner said sincerely. Paige opened her mouth to protest but he beat her to it. "On me. Come on." He handed her a five and nodded his head towards the door.

"Hun, really, I can buy my own coffee," Paige said, getting quickly flustered. She thought the boundary lines were clear between them.

"I'm not being fresh, just friendly. Now get your ass down to The Dot before we both fall asleep," he smiled and looked away. She took the money and pulled on her jacket, giving him an affectionate pat on the shoulder as she strolled out the door. He watched her leave, hating himself for loving the way that tattered pair of jeans fit her just right.

---------------------

Jimmy finished his test in record time. He was out the door in a hurry as Alex tried to scribble in a few more answers as the passing bell was ringing. She wanted to stop him, ask him what Paige had said, interrogate the hell out of him, but he was gone too quickly for her to get her bags and jacket and pass her exam in. She burst into the crowded halls and looked left and right, praying he was close by. No such luck. Now she was aggravated. What business was it of Jimmy's that she was working too much? And why was Paige telling him that? Why was Paige freaking talking about her at all anyway?

"Fuck it," Alex grumbled, walking past her locker, past her next class and right out the front door. She had another period before lunch, but it wasn't something she could stomach in this state. She hated that Paige did this to her, just the mentioning of her name could get her all out of whack. It wasn't fair.

She lit a cigarette and took off at a brisk walk towards town. What she really needed was a cup of coffee and to zone the fuck out for a bit. Some place quiet. Some place familiar. She glanced down at her cellphone which had been stuffed in her jacket pocket since she got out of work last night.

Four missed calls from Paige?! Shit! There was only one voicemail and it was to hard to tell how Paige felt. A monotone "Hey, Hun, it's me. It's Paige." followed by a long pause, then "Just call me back. Please."

"Son of a bitch," Alex spoke around the cigarette clamped in her lips. This was terrible. This was exactly what she didn't need. What she needed was a damned cup of coffee and a nap. And maybe a break. And something to eat. She picked up her pace and headed for The Dot.


	3. It's complicated

-1Once she was at a safe distance from the store, Paige lit herself a cigarette. Yes, anyone could bump into her on the street and catch her with the dreaded cancer stick, but the last thing she wanted to deal with right now was Spinner and his pouty face telling her she was too pretty for such a habit. Behind big dark glasses and a thick long scarf, maybe anyone she ran into wouldn't recognize her anyway. She liked hiding now. It was easier than explaining.

Explaining that she was a failure. A drop out. That she was a tease. That she was a bad friend. That she was a date slut. That she was a smoker. She was everything she never was supposed to be. Well, maybe not that bit about the slut, and she was worse than a tease, but still.

She breezed into The Dot and ordered a pair of large coffees. She was one of the few people in the restaurant. There were a few college kids on laptops typing away. Changing the world one essay at a time. A tiny hint of her envied them. Most of her felt sorry for them. A table in the back had a few younger kids obviously skipping class and feeling extra giddy about it. Those ones she envied. The good old days. Back before everything became so real. So important.

So fucking hard.

"Two large," the guy behind the counter took her money. She didn't wait for the change, she left it for him and stepped back out into the sunny late morning. The sun was bright, the kind of day that looked like it ought to be warm, but it was actually winter in Toronto so it was all just a front. It was uncomfortable. It was too familiar. She sat down on the bench outside and lit herself another butt. She took a long slow sip of her coffee. She was enjoying the few moments alone. No one was breathing down her neck.

"Paige?" she looked up from behind her sunglasses, cigarette hanging carelessly from her lips.

"Mel?" Paige flinched in surprise a bit. She didn't think Mel's type came out from their dens in the daylight.

"What's going on?" Mel asked politely. She was smiley and cute. Paige had a hard time picturing this pretty little blond on Jay's arm.

"Not a whole lot, Hun, how are you?" Paige stood up and picked up her coffees, her cigarette clenched between two fingers that circled one of the tall black cups.

"Good, good," Mel looked up and her cheery smile washed from her face. Paige only had a moment to be alarmed.

"Alex!" Mel blurted out a little too loudly.

"Mel?"

"Alex?" Paige gasped.

"Paige?!" Alex let a nervous laugh escape.

"Mel?!" Paige said awkwardly, then laughed to ease the tension. Mel giggled as well.

"Look, as fun as this game looks like it could be, I gotta get a cup of coffee and get my ass over to work. Vlad's got me doing inventory," Mel rolled her eyes and patted Alex on the shoulder. "It was good seeing you, Paige," Mel tacked on almost smugly, leaving the awkward pair on the sidewalk.

Both of them looked the other up and down. Both noticed that the other was smoking. Neither said a word about it. Alex was more shocked to see Paige with a butt than Paige was to see her.

"Look, I-"

"I wanted to-" They blurted in unison. Both girls pursed their lips shut.

"I didn't mean-"

"I didn't get your-" They started again. Then both looked away.

"You go first!" They spat out together.

"Jesus Christ," Alex let a nervous laugh escape.

"What are you doing here?" Paige asked. "Shouldn't you be in class?"

"I had a break, MOM," Alex lied.

"Sorry for being concerned," Paige said quietly.

"I didn't get your calls. I was at work. My phone was off," Alex took a drag and exhaled slowly. Her voice was hard. She was emotionless.

"It's cool," Paige tried to keep her voice steady. She covered up her nerves with her cigarette, both of them sucking down panicky puffs.

"Two coffees? Someone's tired," Alex gave a half-assed sarcastic smirk. Most of her face was hidden in sunglasses as well, but Paige new the brunette's eyebrows were raised in that silly little look she did when she was being snide.

"Um, Spinner's," Paige lifted one of the cups. Alex's jaw clenched a little. "NO! No. Not like that. We're at work. Much needed, um, coffee break," Paige gestured with her cigarette.

"Yeah." Alex said flatly. They both stood in silence for a moment, Alex with her arms crossed, Paige rocking on the balls of her feet. Alex took the silence to look Paige up and down. She didn't seem herself. Her jeans were ratty. She was wearing running shoes and not her typical heels. Sometimes Alex forgot how short Paige really was. Her hair was not neat as a pin. It was pulled back into a high ponytail that looked messy. Alex desperately wanted to push some of the stray pieces on Paige's forehead behind her ear. She tightened her arms around herself to keep from reaching forward. She never thought she'd see Paige, high holy Paige, with a cigarette, but it somehow suited her. She looked chic smoking. Even in crosstrainers.

"I really should be getting back," Paige looked down. She could feel Alex's eyes on her. It was uncomfortable. Not because Alex was checking her out, but Alex was studying her. And Alex could always tell, always fucking knew, when something was wrong.

"Right," Alex nodded.

"I guess I'll talk to you later," Paige said, awkwardly biting her lip and slowly walking away, praying that Alex would stop her. Would say something. Would beg her not to leave. Would throw her down right here on the sidewalk in broad daylight.

No such luck. Paige looked back over her shoulder, hoping to catch just one more smile before the brief meeting was over, but Alex was already inside.

"What were you expecting?" Paige sighed to herself and took another drag and headed back to the store.

---------------------

"So, Smartypants. What are you doing in here? Shouldn't you have your nose in a book at a desk somewhere?" Mel joked, giving Alex a playful shove in the shoulder. Mel was waiting at the counter She had watched the whole exchange.

"Shut up," Alex mumbled.

"Look, Lexi," Mel took on a more serious tone. "It's obvious."

"Shut up," Alex repeated, a little firmer this time.

"You make each other happy! What's the big deal?" Mel shrugged.

"You don't even know how we are," Alex sighed.

"Yeah, maybe not. But Someone who does has told me all about it," Mel raised her eyebrows a bit. "And I think he'd be real bummed to see you like this."

"What the hell did Jay tell you?" Alex looked sternly at Mel.

"Settle down, Killer! Nothing bad. Just that he's never seen you as happy as you were with Paige. Never seen you so thrilled, just said you were good together. It was clear that she mattered to you a whole lot. And if you love her-"

"I never said that."

"I'm just spitballing here, Lex. What's the big deal? Why can't you go after her?" Mel nodded in the direction Paige had left in.

"It's complicated," Alex muttered. The guy behind the counter nodded at her. She came for coffee so often that she and the clerk no longer had to speak.

"Try me, Babe." Mel set her bag on the counter and sat down.

"I thought you had to go to work?" Alex looked confused.

"Oh please, that was a lie. I wasn't going to stand there with you two! Are you out of your mind?" Mel rolled her eyes and sipped her coffee.

"Thanks, Mel. Thanks very much," Alex gave Mel a look and slid her money across the counter and took her cup.

"So, what, she's not okay with the public gay thing?" Mel asked. She was sincere, if not a little blunt.

"No. Yes. I don't know," Alex whined and covered her face with her hands.

"Well which is it?" Mel smiled.

"She used to be? When we dated the first time it was like she didn't give a flying fuck! But now," Alex's voice hitched in her throat a bit. "Now she can't deal with it. Apparently she's under too much 'pressure' to figure out what the hell makes HER happy!" Alex rolled her eyes and made air quotes with her fingers. Her voice was thick, Mel could tell she wanted to cry.

"Okay, Lexi, calm down," Mel said quietly, resting a hand on Alex's arm.

"I'm trying!" Alex huffed.

"You gonna be okay?" Mel winced a little.

"I'll be fine," Alex scowled.

"Well, last night at work," Mel trailed off. Alex gave her a look. "I'm just worried about you, Babe. Nothing you're dealing with is easy. And shit, you have high school garbage on top of it?"

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" Alex asked, a slight joking tone back in her voice.

"Lex, just," Mel paused. "If you need help, please ask."

"Who the hell am I going to ask?" Alex let out a short laugh.

"Me. Jay," Mel looked down. "Paige."

"No." All jocularity was gone from Alex's face.

"Just take care of yourself, kay? And give Jay a call. He's worried about you," Mel slid off her stool and headed for the door. "See you tonight!"

"Bye," Alex half waved at her perky new friend. She was sweet. It was weird to have so may people caring. She really did owe Jay a call. He'd been a better man since he'd been dating Mel. Taking care of a nice girl kind of suited him in a strange way.


	4. Wrong

-1"Paige?"

"Yeah?" she looked up quickly. Marco was standing over her. Was it already four? Holy crap! She'd been so caught up in panicking internally that the afternoon had flown right by. It was obvious to them all that Paige was off, but after her run in with Alex this morning, she was ten times more of a mess.

Alex looked good. Well, she always looked good, but she was doing something new with her hair, wearing it curly. It was sexy. A week or so had passed since their fight about Paige making up her god damn mind, about labels, and a bit about fighting about pressure that Paige was still a little foggy on, and aside from their awkward words this morning, the last time they had spoken had involved Alex doing a lot of yelling.

"Are you alright?" Marco asked, lowering his voice and leaning closer to Paige. There was a fair amount of costumers in the store checking out shirts. He didn't want to embarrass Paige, but he couldn't let the question go unasked.

"Um, yeah. Sure. Fine. Why?" Paige asked, clearly faking. Ellie, who Paige had just noticed was with Marco, rolled her eyes. "I saw that, Hun."

"Whatever, Paige. Get out of here. You look like you need a nap. Or a drink. Or both," Ellie pointed over her shoulder and gave Paige a playful smile.

"Well! Glad to know all my friends think I look like hell," Paige smiled a tight lipped smile as she started to clean up her books and lists. She buttoned up her jacket and wrapped her scarf around her neck. Marco glanced at Spinner for help, but Spinner just shrugged and shook his head.

"Paigey, no, that's not it. You just look tired. And, okay. Maybe a LITTLE on the Sloppy Spice side," Marco scratched his hair and looked away.

"Oh, Captain Couture, How fortunate I am to have your help," Paige smiled, this time with less sass, and picked up her purse to leave. "I'm out of here."

"Get some rest, Paige. We'll talk later," Marco pulled Paige into a hug and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She leaned into him and hugged him back.

"Paige," He said quickly, holding her at arm's length.

"Yeah?"

"Have you been smoking? Your scarf reeks," Marco said lowly through gritted teeth. He didn't want anyone to hear him.

"What?!" Paige laughed nervously. "No! I was with Mel, Jay's new girl? We had coffee and that girl is a CHIMNEY!" Paige waved a hand. Marco gave her a half smile and pushed her out the door. "Me, you, Ben and Jerry! Double date this weekend!" Marco called after her. Paige turned and waved over her shoulder in that oh so very Paige way she had. Once she made it around the corner, she lit up.

---------------------

Alex sat in the back of her math class trying so hard to focus. Calculus was impossible. She didn't realize that math was going to have so many letters in it. Half of the problems looked more like University Rush Party invitations than math equations. After the morning's run in with Paige, sorting out sigmas and deltas and gammas was damn near impossible.

That girl just ate her alive even when she wasn't around. Alex couldn't stop thinking about her. She was completely unkempt, so unlike herself. It worried Alex, but at the same time, she kind of liked her better that way. Alex thought Paige was at her sexiest when she just woke up. The spirit squad uniform wasn't half bad either, but the messy hair, tired eyes, half undressed way Paige looked with morning sun peeking through the cracks of the shades could pretty much bring Alex to her knees.

But a cigarette? Since when did Paige smoke? She must've picked it up at Banting, and Alex couldn't blame her. She'd seen the Fs and Ds and big fat red ZEROS in Paige's trunk that started this whole mess. But in broad daylight in the middle of town? Maybe Paige was coming around. Maybe she was finally just embracing herself. Maybe, just maybe, she didn't care what people thought of her and she'd finally be ready to date-

"Alex?" Armstrong called out from the front of the room. She jumped. Was he inside her head?! "Yoohoo, Miss Nunez?"

"Yeah?" Alex sat up and cleared her throat a bit. "I mean, um, yes?" she tried to add an ounce of tact and winced at her lame attempt.

"Are you with us, Alex?" He asked. All twenty-five of her classmates turned around to look at her for the answer.

Mind your own fucking business.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I'm just tired," Alex rubbed her eyes and picked her pen back up, prepared to listen.

"Well. I'm not going to tolerate that in my class! Let's keep it together here, people, exam's on Monday! Moving on! Mr. Brooks. Can you tell me..." Armstrong's voice faded out as Alex zoned back out again.

She wasn't going to get her hopes up. She couldn't. Not yet.

---------------------

Paige laid on her back on her unmade bed and stared up at the cracked ceiling. She had fallen there in a state of exhaustion when she arrived home from work, and an hour later was still there in her jacket and shoes, her purse dropped on the floor beside her bed. She knew she needed time and space to think, but now that she had it, she wasn't totally sure what she was supposed to think ABOUT.

Pretty much the only conclusion she could come to was that she was wrong. She was wrong about Banting. She was wrong to keep her failing grades a secret, wrong not to ask for help and so very wrong to buy that essay online. She was wrong to even DREAM of having any kind of no strings attached anything with Spinner who was always going to be uncomfortably in love with her. She was wrong to date and mess around with Ellie's freshly dumped ex-boyfriend. She was wrong to kiss Alex. Both times.

But WERE those kisses so wrong? It was impossible because everything about Alex felt so right. Once all the walls started coming down, once Banting was finally said and done and Paige could just be god damned Paige for five seconds, she just wanted to be comfortable. She wanted to have a good time. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to be accepted. Alex knew her better than almost anyone else, better than she knew herself. Paige wanted to be around her. Wanted to be with her. Wanted HER.

But her parents. Her friends. People she barely knew, people she didn't know at all! People she would eventually meet! They'd all know. Everyone already knew what she was, the rumor mill had gone super nova when word that Paige Fucking Michalchuk failed out of Banting hit the halls of Degrassi. She turned down every invite to watch Jimmy coach with lame excuse after lame excuse. She couldn't face the spirit squad or the old teachers. That whole school that used to kiss her ass...

They could see through her now. Somehow, she had them all blinded. They couldn't get past her tight jeans, short skirts and perfect hair. She had Degrassi wrapped around her little finger. She was much deeper than designer bags and witty comebacks, but none of them seemed to care. Even when she was dating Alex, and fairly publicly, she still ran the place.

Now she didn't have to prove shit to Degrassi, the chapter was closed, but it didn't make this any easier. Why was she so worried? Marco, her best friend and closest confidant, always said he just wanted to see her happy. And her parents totally accepted Dylan and loved him just the same!

But they were already upset and let down by her.

Was it better to let the shock of Banting blow over to give her time to REALLY make sure this was right? Or should she follow her gut and her heart and just bash them over the head with everything at once? But what did SHE want? Was this even it? It had to be. It felt right. It was the ONLY thing that felt right in years. She was right, this was right, it had to be. She knew it.

She just hoped Alex did too.


	5. secrets

-1"Hey," Mel smiled at Alex as they timed in at Zanzibar. Alex still had an hour's worth of hair and make up to do. She also had to wriggle into one of her tiny little outfits. And possibly vomit.

"Hey," Alex responded emotionlessly.

"How are you doing?" Mel asked. It was hardest to hear it from her. Mel actually cared.

"Fine," Alex spat out, stuffing her time card back into it's slot.

"Alex, don't lie to me." Mel cocked her head to the side and gave Alex the 'no BS, please' look.

"Mel, could you please just, NOT right now?" Alex sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. She didn't need this right now. Or ever. Mel sighed.

"Okay, Babe." Mel put a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Friday night crowd out there. Might be a big deal."

"What do you mean?" Alex's eyes showed concern.

"Well?" Mel looked a little pained. "A lot of girls when they first move to weekends," Mel paused and heaved another sigh. Alex swallowed hard in anticipation. "Just don't lose your cool if you see someone you know out there."

"What?!" Alex squawked.

"Look, this is kind of a popular strip joint. Just don't look too carefully into the audience, alright?" Mel offered Alex a half hug then scurried behind the bar to prep for the evening. Alex was still letting what Mel said roll around when Mel set a tall glass in front of her. It was full of ice and the liquid was brown.

"What-" Alex held a hand up to protest.

"Just drink it. It's on me." Mel smiled sadly.

"What is it?" Alex looked down nervously into the glass.

"You don't want to know. But it'll help?" Mel gave Alex another smile. "Go get dressed, babe."

---------------------

Paige was sitting on the front steps of her apartment smoking around midnight. Ellie was out with some girls from The Core, former enemies who became bitching partners now that Ellie was freshly single and extra bitter. Marco was home, but he had supposedly turned in early. He claimed to be wiped from his week at school and the evening's shift at the store had done him in. Spending excessive amounts of time with Spinner exhausted him and he had spent six hours watching Spinner shamelessly flirt with every female age sixteen to thirty-six. Now he was tired AND queasy.

Paige flipped her cell phone open and closed. She stared at the sidewalk wondering where Alex was. probably schlepping drinks in that filth pit, getting ogled by men twice her age and half as smart. It disgusted Paige. Alex would bust her cute little ass to get those guys shots so they could watch some pathetic girl take her clothes off. Gross. Paige shuddered just thinking about it. She knew the situation Alex was in with her mom and the money was tight and terrible, but it made her comfortable that Chad was finally behind bars and he couldn't shove Alex over any more tables, or worse. It was sad. Everything about it was sad. Alex was picking up her mother's slack. She was taking care of the family and the bills and she was still just kid. Paige flicked her cigarette into the street as the door open behind her.

"Marco!" Paige yelped, her eyes ridden with guilt.

"Hey Paigey." He was in his pajamas and his peacoat. The air was freezing at night these days , but fortunately that night there wasn't much in the name of wind.

"Look, I was just-" Paige spat out awkwardly, her eyes darting back and forth between his and the still smoking butt in the street.

"Paige," Marco held up his hand. "It's okay."

"But it's just that-"

"You got a light?" Marco gave her a guilty smile and produced his own pack. Her jaw fell. He shrugged.

"Well!" Paige leaned back a but as she handed Marco her lighter and took out another butt for herself.

"Seems we're all keeping some secrets, eh?" Marco grinned.

"Just because of what everyone would say," Paige sighed, her voice overridden with sadness.

"Something tells me that you're not just talking about the cigarettes," Marco gave her a knowing look.

"I fucked up, Marco," Paige sat up a little straighter and took a drag. "I really, REALLY fucked up."

"Paige, it's okay," He said quietly, but sincerely. "Banting just wasn't-"

"I'm not talking about Banting! I don't CARE about Banting! Banting is over! Banting was over before it ever really started" Paige inhaled deeply.

"What's this about, then?" Marco squinted at her. She just looked back at him with those eyes. The sad ones. The hurting ones. The ones that wanted to cry and admit everything. He knew what was wrong. Alex. "Oh, Paige, again?" He winced.

"I can't help it!" Paige threw her hands up as she yelled.

"What happened?! I know there's been weirdness since you got back, since that whole thing with the turkey and the stuffing and the girlfriend who wasn't even KIND OF imaginary, but did something, like, HAPPEN?" He asked. Paige had been pretty private about her relationship with Alex. Marco knew something was going on and was DYING to ask, but he knew Paige would come around and tell him everything when she was ready. He didn't want to push and have her block him out.

"I kissed her," Paige mumbled.

"You did?!"

"Twice," Paige bit her lip.

"Paige! This is great!" Marco grinned.

"No. It's not." Paige cut him off with a stern voice.

"I'm not following."

"The first time? It was nothing. We both ignored it, it was an accident, it was habit, I didn't even realize I was doing it! But when I was dating Spinner and Jesse, well, she kissed ME," Paige paused.

"When?"

"At the dot. After the fashion show, and I was such a shithead, Marco," Paige took a deep drag.

"What happened?" Marco asked nervously, unsure if he really wanted to know.

"She told me she loved me." Paige exhaled. She kept looking straight ahead. She didn't look at Marco. She didn't have to. She knew what face he was making, big eyes, small mouth. Shock. Concern. Surprise.

"She said what?" he stammered.

"Well, her exact words were 'I love you, you IDIOT' which I suppose was well deserved," Paige rolled her eyes.

"So what! What's the problem? This is great!" Marco tried to get excited and fell flat when he noticed Paige was still solemn.

"I, ah, I turned her down," Paige looked at her feet.

"Oh, Paige, no." Marco rested a hand on her thigh.

"I just panicked, Marco! This is going to change everything!" Paige sounded like she wanted to cry.

"No it's not," he gave her a strong look.

"I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I mean, I screwed things up ROYALLY last time, I'm not even sure mentally I'm prepared for this again, never mind how it's going to rock my hypothetical boat. I'm just going to ruin everything!" Paige sighed sincerely. "Besides. I don't know if she'd even want me after how I acted." Paige sounded truly sad. Marco snuggled up next to her to help block out the cold and to comfort her.

"You'll figure it out, Paigey," He offered her a hopeful smile. "This will all work itself out."

"How do you know that?" Paige grumbled.

"I just do," Marco shrugged a little. "Two people who brought out the best in one another can't stay apart forever. This is going to take some time and I hope you're ready for it to get a hell of a lot harder, but I think you just need to figure out if it's worth it."

"You're so annoyingly smart," Paige snuggled onto his shoulder.

"I know," Marco grinned.

"I hope you're right," Paige sighed.

"I'm always right," Marco giggled and elbowed her in the side.


	6. Just a bunch of girls

Alex sat in front of her mirror slowly getting herself ready. She was taking her time curling her hair, making it as big as possible. She did kind of like getting glammed up, but certainly not for THESE reasons. All of the dancers were beautifying in the dressing room. The fumes from the hairspray were noxious. Alex kept her eyes on her reflection so as not to be tempted by the lines upon lines of coke being passed around. The drink Mel gave her was helping take the edge off, but nothing could make this feel okay.

"Lex?" one of the other girls was standing beside her holding out a handheld mirror with a few lines on it. She had a rolled up dollar bill in her other hand. She had a slightly awkward smile on. None of them knew Alex very well and none of them were very pleased with Vlad's little crush on her. They had all worked very hard to get these weekend night spots and Vlad was just throwing Alex in the line up because he had a thing for leggy, young brunettes. They still made efforts to befriend her, which Alex appreciated, but she wasn't very quick to reciprocate.

"Oh. No thanks," Alex mumbled. She was trying to be polite and also desperately trying to remember this girl's name, but she was failing at both.

"You sure?" she asked. Alex didn't look up, but was carefully applying her eyeliner.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Alex replied.

"Suit yourself," she pivoted on her stiletto heel and offered the drugs up to the girl at the next mirror who gladly accepted. They giggled and laughed. Alex watched them all in her mirror as she finished up her make up. They were all perfectly chatty and comfortable like a group of girls at any other job. They were just a bunch of women giggling and complaining over things like sex, hot guys, bikini waxing, landlords, jealous ex-boyfriends and where they partied last night. All the while they were in bathrobes, too much make up and very uncomfortable shoes.

"Hey, Lexi," Mel popped up behind her.

"Oh. Hey," Alex jumped in her seat a bit.

"I'm on break. I checked the line up and you have a little while. Join me out back for a smoke?" Mel grinned and held out two cigarettes.

"How did you know I-"

"Today. At The Dot. You were smoking. Come on!" Mel grabbed Alex by the wrist and dragged her out the backdoor.

"Hey Sweet Thang!" Jay was waiting for Mel on the other side of the back door and wrapped her into a hug complete with a sloppy wet kiss.

"Hi baby!" she giggled, then sparked up a pair of cigarettes and handed one to Alex. Alex almost threw up when she saw him standing there. Telling him about her vocational switch had somehow slipped her mind. She could tell he was more than mildly interested in Mel's little stripper friend.

"Who's your new friend, Babe? OH MY GOD!" Jay's jaw fell when Alex turned to face him. "Lexi, what the FUCK?!"

"SH! Jay! Keep your voice down! Vlad has strict rules about boyfriends at the back doors!" Mel snapped.

"Alex!" Jay growled through gritted teeth.

"Jay, do NOT overreact to this!" Alex warned, shivering as she exhaled. She had her arms pulled tight around her. She was standing in an ally in the cold winter night in nothing but lingerie and a silk bathrobe.

"Did you KNOW about this?" Jay glared at Mel. It was breaking his heart. Alex had always been a fighter and now this. Jesus Christ. He really thought she was going to be better than him, better than all of them, but stripping?! He knew he treated her like dirt when they dated, but he loved her still. She was the best thing that ever happened to him and here she was. Stripping.

"Yes," Mel said lowly.

"And you didn't fucking TELL me?!" Jay grabbed his black ball cap off his head and crumpled it in his fist, the other hand holding a cigarette that was mostly ash that he seemed to have forgotten about.

"There was nothing to say. This is Alex's business and I figured she would have TOLD YOU BY NOW," Mel glared at Alex whose jaw was slack. Jay paced hard back and forth. He kicked the side of the building. He didn't know what to do with himself.

"Jay! Jay, come on," Alex pleaded, pulling him closer to her. "Come on, please. Just look at me."

"Why, Lexi?" Jay asked after a long sigh.

"I had to." she muttered.

"How much trouble are you in that you had to do THIS?!" Jay pointed at the building. "Why didn't you come to me for help?"

"I can't talk about this right now," Alex exhaled to the side, her eyes low. "I have to go on soon."

"Lex," Jay tried.

"Jay, don't," Alex pleaded. She wanted to cry. She wanted to be sick. She wanted to wring Mel's skinny neck for this set up. If she didn't know better she'd wonder if it was Mel's fault Paige was at The Dot this morning TOO.

"I'm going to wait until you get out. Then you and I are going to talk," Jay said, a rare serious look in his eye.

"Okay," Alex nodded slowly.

"Just please. TALK to me," Jay sighed.

"I will." Alex put her half smoked cigarette out with her four inch black heels and slammed the door behind her.

"Mel!" Jay whirled on her.

"Stop it. She's dealing with a lot right now and she'll tell you on her own," Mel held up a hand and followed Alex inside.

"What EXACTLY is WRONG with you?" Alex glared at Mel hard as Mel stepped back inside. Mel stared back with wide eyes.

"I know things are shitty right now and I thought a little hang out with Jay might brighten your spirits! I called him to come hang out with us and pick you up a bit! I'm sorry! I thought you might have mentioned to your BEST FRIEND that you were an exotic dancer for a living!" Mel hissed.

"URGH!" Alex ran her hand through her over done hair. "I can't fucking HANDLE this!" Alex pounded a fist against the wall. Most of the other dancers rolled their eyes.

"Please welcome to the stage, the beautiful and talented Lexstacy!" the announcer cooed in is super smooth voice. Normally it would have made them laugh. Mel could do a dead pan impression if she'd had enough to drink. Nothing was going to make them laugh right now. Alex looked ready to cry.

"Go," Mel said, her voice dripping with apology and sympathy. She patted Alex on the arm and took off for the bar. Alex took a deep breath and pushed the beads aside and stepped out onto the stage. As she got into her act, she tried to lose herself in it, not be herself for the short time she was out there. It was the only way she could get through it. In losing herself in the music and applause, she managed to miss one very important face at one of the far corner tables. There was one tall black man who could not applaud. Mr. Armstrong, who was out for a good friend's bachelor party, did all he could not to get sick at the sight of a beautiful woman taking her clothes off.


	7. Eight fifty

-1So it was decided. She was going to go for it. Paige was going to somehow get Alex back. Alex was too important. What they had was too special. Fuck her parents. They already looked at her like she was something terrible anyway. Forget them. And so help her God if she had to set foot in Degrassi again. What, maybe Manny would give her a hard time, call her a dyke? Big wow. Go show your boobs some more, Little Girl. Christ Club could kiss her ass. Mr. Simpson, Armstrong, Hatsilakos, fuck 'em all. She was getting her girl back no matter what it took.

Marco had kissed her forehead and said goodnight as he closed her door. Now she was alone with her piles of dirty laundry and unpacked things. The place really was a mess. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. She was taking over. No more Miss Nice Paige. It was time. She was back. She was seizing the day, seizing the moment, seizing the Nunez! Paige knelt beside one of the boxes and started taking things out and making neat, organized piles. THERE'S that other black shoe! Books, notebooks, Banting ID card...ew, framed picture of Alex-

Shit.

And one of Alex's tank tops she had shamelessly kept. And lied about losing. And kept mixed in with hers but knew which one it was. Alex's sweatshirt she'd worn home early one morning and never gave back. Alex's sweatshirt that she wore to class a lot, that she had accidentally burned a hole in the sleeve of with a cigarette when she was on the front steps crying about everything, wishing Alex was there with her arms around her and not her faded black hoodie. A slew of photographs mostly taken by themselves, holding the camera, arm outstretched. Some were of them in her car, some had the unmistakable backdrop of Paige's sheets, oh fuck, the one of them kissing.

She put a hand over her face, dropped the photos on her lap. Maybe she couldn't do this, this was too hard, too impossible, too, just. too. much. She took a few deep breaths, calming the anxiety she could feel coming on. This box was full of Alex and should have been marked as such with glowing red marker. And possibly glitter. And some flashing neon lights and a padlock. Stupid things, mementos she felt were so important... a pair of Alex's earrings she'd borrowed, a dried rose that Alex had surprised her with, she had been apologizing for something...probably something stupid that was Paige's fault anyway, a score sheet from a day of minigolf in which she'd wiped the floor with Alex. Then Alex pouted for an hour. Then they fought about it for three minutes. Then they made up for twenty in the bathroom. Old notes from class, a few from detention for too much PDA in the hallways...yikes, these notes were filthy. No wonder she kept them boxed up.

She rose to her feet, exhaling heavily. Perhaps this was going to be harder than she thought. She had to unpack the boxes, she had to get everything out in the open, put the pictures back on the nightstand, and get her shit together. She picked up Alex's sweatshirt and held it out. The pocket was half ripped off. The hood was tired, the drawstring on the hood was long gone. It had thumb holes ripped in the sleeves. The right sleeve had that stupid burn hole. Paige looked the hoodie over a few more minutes before hanging it up in her closet. It was the only thing hanging there so far. The rest of her clothes were on the floor. It seemed like she was finally getting her priorities in line.

-----------------

"Oh SHIT! This bitch is SMOKIN!" the groom-to-be, overly liquored and happy as hell, clapped Armstrong on the back.

"Yeah. She's cute." Armstrong wouldn't look at her. He couldn't. He stiffened in his chair and pounded the remainder of his drink.

"CUTE?! Guys, Armstrong says she's CUTE!" the groom and the table full of guys burst out laughing. "Cute? She's a motherfucking FOX! She's the hottest one we've seen all night!" he whooped.

"Shut up, Man."

"Shake it, sweet thing!" the bachelor of the hour shouted up to where Alex was intricately wrapped around the pole.

"Stop it," Armstrong held up a hand and looked away.

"What's wrong with you?" one of his buddies gave him a dirty look. "That's a choice piece of ass up there!"

"Don't talk about her like that!" Armstrong clenched his jaw.

"Oh, now you're worried about this little slut's morals?" The groom scoffed. "Way to ruin the night, man."

"She's one of my students," Armstrong said flatly. None of the guys spoke. All of their jaws were slack. He stood up and opened his wallet, dropping a few twenties on the table for the drinks. He straightened his suit jacket and avoided the stage as much as possible. "I gotta go." He hurried out of the club and hailed the first cab that passed him. Getting that image out of his head was going to be impossible.

---------------------

"Hey," Jay looked awkwardly up at Alex as she emerged from the club. She had ducked out as early as possible, declining invites to go to a club with the rest of the girls. They really were trying. When they all saw her leaving arm in arm with Mel's boyfriend, she knew there would be explaining to do. She was still slightly done up, curls in a ponytail, some make up still on but not quite so heavy. She was in jeans and a careless button up of which only two of the buttons were fastened. She looked so damn pretty. It made it worse.

"Hey," Alex had her arms crossed over her chest. She didn't look at him. Jay had been polite enough to sit at the bar all night and not set foot in the strip side.

"You wanna get a drink?" Jay asked.

"Not really," Alex looked down the street at traffic, people, anything to avoid his eyes.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah."

"Pancakes?" Jay smiled a little.

"Perfect," Alex broke and half smiled back, still looking down, but finally flicking her eyes up at him. "Where's Mel?"

"She took off," Jay replied. "Wanted to give us some time to talk."

"That was nice of her," Alex said quietly.

"Yeah, Mel's a nice girl," Jay slung his arm around Alex's shoulder. "Now let's get you fed."

"Alright," Jay rested his elbows on the table. Now that they both had coffee, their second cups, and she had a plate of chocolate chip pancakes, Jay was not messing around. Jay wasn't eating. He couldn't. His stomach was too unstable with nerves. "Let's talk."

"Well, Chad racked up all the credit cards," Alex began with her mouth full.

"Right. And the dipshit's in jail, yes?" Jay asked, sipping his coffee. He hated himself for liking Chad. He always used to, used to identify with him or something, not look up to him, but he was like a buddy. Maybe he just felt the guy's pain. The moment he found out those bruises on Alex's body were from Chad and not from lacrosse practice or whatever bullshit excuse she used to give, no more. Jay was through. Now that the sleazebag was in jail, he was sleeping easier.

"Yes, he's in jail," Alex sighed.

"What else is going on?" Jay asked. He wasn't pushy, he was concerned and Alex was having a hard time with it. Jay'd certainly grown up a lot lately and Mel was making a good man out of him. It had taken Jay a while to accept Alex's sexuality, but the bottom line was that he loved her and he wanted to be supportive. Now he was okay with it, treated her more like a sister, and stopped making jokes about how hot lesbians were. At least less frequently anyway.

"Well, since my mom used those cards to pay the bills, Mom and I can't afford our rent," Alex paused to stab another bite and chew it a bit. She was wolfing her food down and Jay's stomach turned when he sadly wondered when the last time she ate was. "We're getting evicted if we don't have two grand by next weekend so..." she trailed off and pointed to her face and hair with her fork. "Hence the make over."

Jay's face tensed. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took slow deep breaths to beat down every urge to curse and yell and be a child about it. This wasn't his problem, it was Lexi's, but there had to be another way. She'd only seen the stage a couple of nights and was already starting to sound jaded. He'd hung out and partied with some of Mel's friends from Zanzibar and Alex just wasn't like them. She didn't belong there. The waitressing was one thing. Mel was a very pretty girl, HIS very pretty girl, but he was okay with her serving drinks, he was not always so okay with how short her dress was, but she was covered and she could handle herself. But what Alex was doing...He loved strippers as much as the next guy, but he didn't like HER doing it.

"Jesus, Lexi," Jay sighed.

"It sucks. It's miserable, but I'm handling it and we should be out of the hole in no time this way," Alex said frankly. She even almost convinced herself. Jay lit a cigarette and watched her eat, thankful he was allowed to smoke in the all night diner. He knew he would need a few cigarettes to talk about this.

"Does Emily know?" Jay asked, unsure if he wanted to know the answer. Alex froze. She didn't even chew for a few seconds.

"No," she got out, then put another big bite in her mouth.

"How the hell are you explaining all this money?!" Jay cried.

"I told her I was a waitress at a schmancy bistro," Alex looked guilty.

"And she bought that?!" Jay spat out.

"This is my mother we're talking about here, Jay! Not exactly winning parent of the year award!" Alex snapped.

"I know, but you've got to have five hundred bucks in your pocket!" Jay tried to keep his voice down.

"Eight Fifty," Alex muttered. Jay's eyes widened. "There was a particularly generous group of men at a bachelor party." Alex shifted uncomfortably.

"I can see how that's hard money to turn down, but REALLY, Lex!" Jay's voice was high pitched as he tried to stay quiet and calm. "Does Paige know about this?"

"Why the fuck are you bringing HER into this?!" Alex yelled, slamming her fork down. A bunch of people looked up at them. Alex took a huge gulp of coffee, then snatched Jay's pack of butts off the table and lit herself one. She took a fierce drag as she glared at him.

"I don't know? I thought you two were-"

"We're NOT, Jay. Can't you get that filthy mind of yours out of the god damn gutter for five mother fucking-"

"FRIENDS. I thought you and Paige were friends, Alex," Jay cut her off.

"We're not that either, we're not ANYTHING!" Alex leaned back against the booth, dropping her head on the back of it and sighing out a train of smoke towards the ceiling. She was trying so very hard for the umpteenth time that day not to cry.

"What?! Since when!" Jay tapped his cigarette into the ashtray.

"Forget it, Jay," Alex sighed, trying desperately not to blink and let the tears in her eyes fall down her cheeks where Jay would be able to see them.

"No I most certainly will NOT." Jay huffed. "Did that little gay-when-it's-convenient bitch hurt you again?" Jay sat up, his shoulders strong.

"Please don't talk about her like that," Alex wiped her eyes on the back of her hands. "Just don't talk about her at all, okay?" Alex tilted her head back up to look at him.

"Lex, don't cry." Jay winced. He HATED when she cried. He just plain didn't know what to do.

"I can't help it," she said in a voice just above a whisper.

"Babe, really, what's going on with Paige?" Jay pressed.

"NOTHING! I said not to talk about it! NOTHING is going on with Paige, would you just DROP it already?!" Alex growled.

"You're lying," Jay sighed, taking a drag.

"I told her I loved her, okay, asshole? I fucking told her I loved her!" Alex yelled. They had gained the entire dining room's worth of spectators now. Alex was waving her hands around, sending smoke and ash in all directions. She paused to take a long drag. "I told her exactly how I felt and it was awful and terrifying and horrible and the STUPIDEST motherfucking idea EVER!" Alex huffed. She was choking on small sobs now.

"You told her you loved her?" Jay gaped. Holy shit. This was not good, this was a mess, this was a problem. this was down right bad. He had never seen this. Never seen Alex like this. This? This wasn't going to be pretty.

"YES, Jay. And she DIDN'T say it BACK!" Alex banged her elbow onto the table and hid her face in her hand, all the while managing to sneak drags in off her smoke.

"What the fuck?" Jay was lost.

"Then. THEN! She kisses me like everything is FINE!" Alex yelled. An older man sitting at the table next to them was not being shy about being offended by Alex's behavior. Jay looked side to side. People were staring. Wincing. Rolling their eyes. "And she tells me she's under too much pressure to figure out her own fucking sexuality! That girl doesn't know what pressure IS! I'm taking my CLOTHES OFF to keep a ROOF over me and my mother's head!" Alex yelled. A few evil glances came their way.

"She's a dancer, not a prostitute," Jay assured the man at the next table. He rolled his eyes and made a show of fluffing his newspaper.

"You need to teach your girlfriend a thing or two," he sighed.

"She's not my girlfriend, buddy," Jay snapped.

"Not anymore," the older man scoffed.

"Haven't you been eavesdropping the whole time? She's GAY!" Jay snapped. A few younger people suppressed impressed snickers. Alex just smoked and cried. Normally a stunt like that would've earned Jay a string of colorful insults and possibly a black eye, but she was too tired to care.

"The things you kids get into these days," the older man shook his head and got up and left.

"Get fucked, asshole!" Alex spat after him. Jay held his hand up and gave the man the most sincere apologetic face he could manage.

"Lexi, Babe, come on," Jay tried. "It's going to be okay."

"No," Alex whispered. "I don't really think it is," she stuffed her cigarette in the ashtray and wiped her eyes again. Jay sighed, unsure of what to say. He rested his hand on top of hers. "Can you just...just take me home. Please." She looked up at him with those big brown eyes and he swallowed hard as he felt his heart break a little more.

"Yeah, come on," Jay's voice was drained as he picked up the check, wouldn't dare let her pay, and gave her his jacket as he lead her to his car.


	8. Take it

-1"Hey Lex," Emily said groggily. She was watching TV again. This time she seemed slightly more sober.

"Hi Mum," Alex sighed, walking behind the couch and headed for her room. "Sorry I'm late. Jay took me out after work," Alex called over her shoulder.

"Yeah? How's Jay these days?" Emily perked up a bit. She was glad to hear about Jay again. It had been a while. She always felt like Alex was in good hands with Jay. She knew Jay loved Alex so much.

"He's good. He has a really sweet new girlfriend," Alex threw out to quickly avoid the inevitable 'when's the wedding?' conversation that reared it's ugly head every time she so much as mentioned Jay in passing.

"Oh." There was so much disappointment in Emily's one syllable.

"She works with me, actually," Alex was standing behind the couch now with fourteen hundred dollars in cash in her hands. It was from the whole week. Her throat tightened with nerves as she prepared to hand the money over. This was going to help. This was good. This was helping. This was going to make things okay.

"That's nice," Emily sighed.

"Look, Mum, um, I've got some cash from my last few shifts," Alex began slowly, running her thumb over the edge of the stack. "I think it'll help."

Alex braced herself as Emily lazily turned around, expecting maybe two or three hundred dollars at best, a very sweet gesture on Alex's part, but not enough to save them. Alex held her breath. She was going to ask. This much money was not believable. Her mother was going to find out and-

And what? Hit her? Scold her? Kick her out? She needed her.

"Holy. Shit." Emily breathed out slowly as her eyes fell on the pile of cash in her daughter's hands. "Where did you get this?"

"Um," Alex panicked. Should she just tell her? Blow the cover? Come clean? It might crush what little spirit her mother had left. Emily so desperately needed that tiny bit of hope she had. But would she really even care? She and Alex hadn't had a conversation that meant something in years. She was beginning to wonder if her mother even knew how old she was these days. Emily had missed Alex's last two birthdays and Alex hadn't said anything. But the money. Where did the money come from? She'd asked. She'd finally asked. Shit. Crap. Shit. Fuck. Shit.

"Oh, ah, some hockey players or something? I didn't know who they were but one of the waiters was so jealous, I guess it was a group of guys who play for the Maple Leafs? Luck of the draw, they were in my section. Tons of bottles of fancy champagne, appetizers, dessert, all of it. The bill alone was like, nine grand," Alex blurted quickly. She had wide eyes partially because she was lying and partially because she couldn't believe she thought up such an elaborate lie so quickly.

"Must be nice." Emily shot Alex a half smile, her eyes lingering on Alex's tips.

"Here. Take it. For the rent. And the bills. You know, for us," Alex pressed the warm stack of bills into her mother's palm. She felt a little lighter with the filthy money off her conscience, but what she did to get it still hung heavy. A thick silence fell between them, the faint TV in the background stole the conversation. Emily's eyes were welling up. Alex fought a gasp when her mother's lower lip trembled. "Mom?" Alex whispered.

"Lexi, I can't," Emily was doing everything she could not to cry.

"Mom, please. I did it- I mean, I worked hard..." Alex swallowed. "I got the job to help," she finished, her voice cracking. "Just take it. Pay off what you can. Please," Alex, too, was begging her eyes to hold out, praying she wouldn't burst, just waiting for her mother to accept her offering so she could go sob herself to sleep behind her paper thin bedroom door, face crammed in the pillows trying to keep it all a secret a little longer.

"Thank you, Sweetheart," Emily was ignoring the tears pouring down her cheeks. "Thank you." Emily sat up and pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead. "I love you."

"You're welcome," Alex got out in a hoarse whisper. She couldn't do this, couldn't take this. "I need to get some sleep," her voice squeaked as the tears started. Alex abruptly got up and hurried down the hall to her room. She closed the door behind her and fell back against it, sliding to a squat. Her face fell into her hands and she broke, letting it all out.

---------------------

Jimmy and Spinner were working the Saturday morning shift together. It wasn't one of their busier times considering most of their clientele was still hung over. Now that things were business as usual between the old friends, they spent early weekend mornings in the store chatting about sports, women and business plans. Well, Jimmy talked about business plans, Spinner mostly just fantasized about corporate yachts, caviar and fly honeys.

"And speaking of fly honeys, dude, I'm a little worried about Paige," Spinner took on a serious tone. It made Jimmy uncomfortable. Jimmy was well aware that Paige was more out of Spinner's reach than ever these days and listening to the guy go on about her was brutal.

"And why's that?" Jimmy asked. He had a bunch of new designs all over the desk, but he hadn't touched them in the hour or two he'd been there. His calculus book and notebook were spread out on top of them. He had stopped listening to Spinner around the mentioning of a Squatch underwear line, fashion shows, champagne and Giselle.

"I don't know, man. Something's not right," Spinner furrowed his brow as he folded t shirts and thought hard at the same time.

"She's going through some shit, Spin. She'll be alright. Just give her some space," Jimmy waved a hand and used that brush-it-off guy tone of his. He knew that Paige and Alex were far from over and didn't think he could handle his business if things between Paige and Spinner managed to get even more awkward.

"But a few weeks ago she was her old self again, you know? Perfect Paige was back to party!" Spinner smirked.

"Dude, don't call her that, you know she hates that shit," Jimmy shook his head. He actually felt kind of bad for the girl. He just wanted to see her chill out, figure herself out and get her head together. Yeah, she was always kind of a bitch, but it was part of her charm. "It's half the problem, man."

"What's the other half, stupid Jesse?" Spinner grumbled.

"Spinner. You have got to let her go. She broke it off all around, you know that She's single and she's a mess, you wouldn't want to get wrapped up in that anyway," Jimmy sighed heavily. "She's getting herself under control, she's getting her shit together and she has done wonders for us business-wise. Please don't screw this up just because you've got an ever lasting boner for Paige," Jimmy spit out matter of factly. "And don't try to deny it either." He tacked on before Spinner had a chance to protest.

"Couldn't if I tried," Spinner tried not to laugh. They both smiled in amusement for s few moments before Jimmy sighed.

"I can't learn this shit. I have one of the most important exams of the semester on Monday and I have no idea what I'm doing," Jimmy pushed his books away and threw his hands up in frustration.

"Anyone you could study with?" Spinner asked.

"The only person I can tolerate in that class when I don't have to is Alex," Jimmy lazily closed his book.

"So call her up. Squatch cram session!" Spinner joked.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Jimmy scratched his jaw.

"Why not? Text her ass, man! Get her over here to teach you some math. I hear she's good at that sort of thing now," Spinner pointed to Jimmy's phone on the table.

"Is Paige working today?" Jimmy asked reluctantly as he glanced at the schedule taped on the wall behind him.

"I don't know? Why?" Spinner shrugged. Jimmy gave him a look. "Oh. Right. The lesbians."

"Dude, come on," Jimmy moaned.

"Sorry, Bro, but it kills a guy's ego to know he can't have the girl of his dreams because she's hung up on hers," Spinner held up his hands.

"You DO know that Alex is not the only thing keeping Paige away from your dumb ass, right?" Jimmy asked.

"Maybe," Spinner shrugged. "Look, man. I'll call Paige and tell her to take the day off. I'll pull a double to keep her out of here so you can have your little math party with Alex and get a stupid A, but you owe me one," Spinner leaned on the table and smiled at Jimmy.

"Thanks," Jimmy gave Spinner a high five and took out his cell.

---------------------

Alex's cell phone woke her up around ten. she didn't recognize the number, so she didn't pick up. She was on top of her blankets and still dressed from last night. She'd crashed onto her bed around four once her quiet sobbing had ended. She was so groggy and sickly from crying that she was in no mood to answer her phone to a stranger.

She was awake now, though. Once the ringing stopped, she waited to see if this mystery friend was going to leave a voicemail. She spent the few silent moments rubbing sleep out of her eyes and trying to bring herself into full consciousness. Sure enough, four beeps.

"Hey Alex. This is Jimmy Brooks. Look. I'm getting killed by this calculus and I'm starting to get a little panicky. I know you've got a handle on this. I'm studying at the store all day and I was kind of hoping that if you're not busy maybe you'd be able to come by and we could go over some of this together. It's just me and Spinner here all day so, you know, there's nothing...in the way. Call me back. Bye."

Jimmy Brooks wanted to study with her? What the hell? She mulled over the thought of going for a few moments. Alex half expected that if she showed up, he'd be there arm in arm with Jay and her mother and Mel and Paige and oh hell, Oprah would be there, and they'd all sit her down to have a good old fashioned talk about life, how much they loved her, and possibly strippers. On the other hand, she did need to study and didn't want to have to look her mother in the eye, so she was hoping to do that somewhere out of the house. She didn't think Jimmy was stupid enough to get her into a situation where Paige might be. Jimmy was a nice guy.

Unless he was being a nice guy for PAIGE and this was a set up! He was luring her over to Squatch Wear and Paige would be there with flowers and a half assed apology and something home cooked and she would be trapped and have to talk to her!

No, no. Jimmy actually DID suck in their class and Alex was actually pretty decent with calculus. And if she remembered correctly, he didn't have any friends or little basketball stars in the class with them. They usually worked in groups together and had worked on a project once in the past. Maybe she should go over there. She DID want to get an A.

But what if Paige WAS there and Jimmy was just plain dense? His good reasoning could be easily blinded by all the math his brain as trying to soak up. She was there. She was totally there, and she was going to be there all day in another one of those stupid messy sexy ponytails and her ripped and faded carelessly low slung jeans and one of Jimmy's stupid shirts that left very little to the imagination and she'd be Paige-ing too and fro trying to ignore Alex sitting right there.

But maybe she wouldn't be there at all. Maybe Jimmy was being honest and just wanted to study his math and that was really all and she was overanalyzing every little thing. Maybe Paige was at home sulking in bed. Alex had heard through the grapevine that she was doing a lot of that lately. Served her right, though. Her and her stupid green eyes that were sometimes blue and sometimes green and then sometimes blue again and sometimes even a little gray...they couldn't make up their god damned mind. Just like her! Alex shook her head, let out a grunt of frustration and threw on some clean clothes. She needed to get an A whether there were perfectly glossed lips at Squatch Wear or not.


	9. Legitimate friends

-1"Paige?" Marco knocked on her door. He could hear music inside. It didn't surprise him, Paige had always been kind of a morning person. What DID surprise him was that the music filtering through her thin, dirty college apartment door was upbeat. "Paige?" he knocked a little louder.

"Hey!" she flung the door open and gave him her Paigeiest of Paige smiles. Marco looked over her shoulder and perfectly straightened hair to see that she was all moved in. All of the boxes were gone, there were pictures on the wall and dresser and her rug was spotless. Her computer was all set up on her desk and was playing through her selection of feel good songs. Her bed was made, her shelves were organized and the place looked great. Paige was already dressed and was bopping about her newly cleaned room.

"Wow," Marco looked around.

"You like?" Paige stood in the middle of the floor with her hands on her hips.

"Yeah! It looks great in here!" Marco said his voice honest and surprised. "I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to unpack! Did you sleep last night?" He joked.

"Well? Not really," she blushed. "But it was worth it. It's time to get things under control! My life, my room, my job, my future, my-"

"Sex life?"

"MARCO!" she whacked him in the chest and he flinched away, giggling.

"I'm kidding! I'm kidding!" he warded off any more of her attempts.

"Better be." She gave him a mock dirty look.

"You wanna go get an early lunch? Or late breakfast, I guess? Whichever?" Marco asked. He was still a bit concerned from their conversation the night before. He was happy now that they could smoke together and revel in their misery, but he was concerned. He couldn't tell if Paige's perfectly organized room was a great sign or a red flag.

"Sure, hun, just give me a few minutes to put my face on," Paige said playfully and strolled over to her dresser.

---------------------

"Welcome to Squatch Wear! How can we- Oh." Spinner started in his usual jovial salesman voice. His face fell when he realized it wasn't a rare morning customer, it was just Alex. She shot him a confused look at the change in his tone. "Oh Jimmy! You're study date is here!" Spinner called in a singsong voice. Alex rolled her eyes at him and headed for the table near the back where Jimmy was studying.

"Alex! Hey! I didn't know if you got my call!" Jimmy smiled, trying to be as casual and friendly as possible. He was good at both.

"Yeah, I did. Sorry. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it or not, so I didn't call, I just showed up," Alex said, her voice tired and monotone.

"Well, I'm glad you did. Pull up a chair, these equations are kicking my ass," Jimmy held his hands up and gave his books a look of disgust. Alex let out a tired laugh and rubbed her eyes again as she sat down beside him.

"I've got most of the review sheets done if you want to start there," Alex said, pulling books out of her bag. She had a few things in there from work last night that Jimmy didn't need to know about and was trying to keep her backpack as far from him as she could without being weird.

"That sounds great," Jimmy smiled politely.

An hour later, Spinner was getting bored of listening to Jimmy and Alex speak in the foreign tongue of math. He had already restocked the place as much as possible, dusted the front displays and even vacuumed, which Jimmy and Alex protested, claiming it was too distracting. At least when he worked with Paige and she didn't talk to him the scenery was better. These two were huddled in the corner geeking out over tangents cosines and calculators and other nerd shit.

"YES! FINALLY! I am the KING!" Jimmy threw his hands up in triumph. Alex laughed at him.

"King of the dweebs, calc boy," Spinner muttered. Alex managed to stifle another laugh with a big yawn. She'd been fighting to stay awake since she sat down.

"Very funny, jackass." Jimmy chuckled.

"So are you two done now?" Spinner looked hopeful.

"Hardly. There are six chapters on this exam and we just finished one of them." Jimmy sighed. "At the rate I'm learning, we'll be here all night."

"Better get your brain in gear, Brooks. I gotta work at five," Alex yawned again.

"Work again? You look beat, you need a day off," Jimmy looked at Alex with a worried expression.

"I'd love one, but I can't afford it," Alex said blankly. "I'd also really love a cup of coffee."

"Me too. I need to get my caffeine buzz on so I can show these graphs who's BOSS!" Jimmy stretched his neck and tried to psych himself up.

"And I need a break from you two losers, so fork over your cash and I'll be the coffee boy," Spinner grinned at them, holding out his hand. When Alex reached for her bag, Jimmy stopped her.

"Alex, stop it. I got it," Jimmy almost blushed as he handed Spinner a few dollars.

"I can afford a two dollar coffee, Jim," Alex gave him a look.

"Yeah, but I owe you for translating this garbage," Jimmy rested his hand on his text book. "It's on me."

"If you say so," Alex shrugged.

"Oh aren't you just the knight in shining armor to our dear Alex. News Flash, dude. You can bark up that tree all you want but it's useless. She's only putting out for-"

"Spin, please," Jimmy interrupted his friend in a hushed growl. "If you're not going to get the coffee let one of us and stop being such a tool about this. It's. Just. Homework."

"Yeah, yeah," Spinner pulled on his sweatshirt and was out the door.

"Alex, I'm sorry," Jimmy said, his voice strained. "Spinner's just-"

"I know," Alex looked down. Neither of them said anything for a moment. Jimmy's efforts were very touching.

"Are you alright?" Jimmy asked awkwardly after a long pause between them.

"Of course, Brooks. I'm just exhausted. School is a real bitch when you actually GO," Alex tried to joke.

"Thanks for your help today. Really," Jimmy said. He was kind of enjoying his time with her. She was funny. She was smart. She also didn't really give a damn. He kind of liked that. He liked that she was a sensitive bad ass. The juxtaposition made him smile. Also, he liked that she knew her way around a graphing calculator and understood math more than Jimmy ever imagined he'd be able to.

"You're welcome. You needed it," she chuckled. There was that casual sass. The kind words with a zinger at the end. She kept him guessing.

"Don't I know it." Jimmy rolled his eyes. "But really, Alex. I don't mean to butt in, and I know this is none of my business, but you don't really seem yourself," Jimmy tried, talking with his hands and feeling slightly uncomfortable. Alex's eyes opened a little wider. This was crossing the line. Jimmy had been edging his toe over the line between casual acquaintances and legitimate friends for a while now and this pushed him right over. He actually cared. Alex stared back at him trying to figure out why he did. She was part of what put him in that chair. Indirectly, but she still was. She'd crushed Paige. Paige was one of his good friends, one of his oldest friends, and Alex had been terrible in high school. She had been absolute hell to be around up until lately. She used to be awful, intolerable and she knew it. But still. Here he was asking her if she was okay.

"There's just a lot going on right now." Alex looked away. She didn't want to sound rude or ungrateful. She kind of wanted him to assume it was trouble with Paige because that was just easier for him to understand.

"That's fine, I'm sorry. I don't even really know why I'm doing this, it's just...I don't know. It felt wrong not to ask," Jimmy shrugged, both of them feeling a little ill at ease, but pleasant all at the same time.

"Thank you," Alex said in a small voice. It was warmer and genuine. She looked a little different when she was nice.

"You're welcome." Jimmy returned in a similar tone. "Now. Chapter two. Show me your ways, Nunez!"

---------------------

"Hey, Spin!" Marco called out. He and Paige were halfway through a greasy pity party at a table near the counter at The Dot. As excellent as Paige was pretending she was feeling, Marco still knew that burgers and onion rings were more than kind of necessary after everything that had gone on and been said.

"Hey guys," Spinner ordered his coffees and kept his distance.

"What's up, Hun?" Paige asked. She seemed different today. She was wearing make up. Her hair was done. She was smiling.

"Nothing. Squatch Coffee," Spinner nodded his head towards the clerk handing him three large cups tucked neatly into a tray.

"Nice, nice," Marco nodded. "You wanna join us for a bit?" Marco asked politely. Paige looked up at him awaiting his answer.

"Nah, I should get back, those guys need this more than I do," Spinner chuckled.

"Who else is there? I got your message that you didn't need me," Paige pushed an onion ring into her mouth. It was an innocent question, generic work conversation. She was being curious, not nosey.

"Um," Spinner scratched the back of his neck. "Alex is there."

The perky look on Paige's face faltered a bit before she forced it back on.

"Why?" Paige blurted out. Marco tensed up.

"Her and Jimmy are studying. Some big math test coming up. Apparently Jimmy's dumb and Alex is smart. He called her to come help him," Spinner mumbled. Paige's lip twitched. They canceled her from a day at work because Alex was there. What. The Hell. Was she that awful? And just when she was feeling so positive. Now it was clear. This was going to be harder than she thought. Alex had moved in on Paige's old life, Paige's old friends. Alex was going to be around and she did not want Paige to be. Sitting down for hours right in Paige's store? That wasn't cool.

"Really." Paige blinked a few times, biting the insides of her cheeks to keep her face as blank as possible. She was pissed. She was disappointed. Were they babying her that badly that they didn't think she could handle doing her job with Alex in the room?

"Yeah. Geeks," Spinner sighed.

"Now I see where this generous offer of a day off is coming from," Paige huffed.

"They're just doing homework, Paige. He's not moving in on your-"

"Spinner!" Marco jumped in before Paige could shoot lasers from her eyes at Spinner and then spontaneously combust with rage. "You probably shouldn't leave Jimmy hanging at the store. It's lunchtime and going to get busy soon."

"Yeah. See you guys. Enjoy your day off, Paige," Spinner said over his shoulder.

"Oh, I will!" Paige snapped sarcastically at his back.

"Paige," Marco tried.

"Don't." Paige stiffened up and held up her hands. "I'm not going to get mad about this. I'm not doing that anymore." she said slowly, trying to stay calm.

"Alright." Marco was still holding his breath a bit.

"Everything is going to be fine." she picked up her glass of water and took a long sip. "And do you know what we're going to do about this?" She looked up at Marco.

"Go home and talk it out for hours planning every possible solution over ice cream and cigarettes?" Marco asked nervously.

"That's implied," Paige said frankly. "But after that? We're going out."

"Really?" Marco smiled a little. Paige hadn't gone out for fun in weeks. He felt like she needed it but wasn't going to push booze, dancing and miniskirts on her.

"Oh yeah. We're getting dolled up, we're drinking too many stupidly named cocktails, we're dancing and laughing and partying and we're going out."

"Yes ma'am!" Marco clinked his glass with hers and they both took a sip.


	10. Call it a business trip

-1"Mr. Brooks," Spinner set a coffee down in front of Jimmy. "Miss Nunez," he put down Alex's. "And me. There."

"Thanks, Spin," Jimmy said before taking a long sip and letting out a content sigh.

"No problem, dorkcicles," Spinner grinned. Jimmy and Alex rolled their eyes in unison.

Alex and Jimmy studied through the afternoon. When Jimmy helped Spinner work, Alex corrected his practice tests. It was weird. Jimmy was actually learning and she was actually teaching him. Never in her wildest dreams, or even trips, would she have seen this one coming. She didn't exactly know how to feel. Despite his obnoxious personality, Spinner had proved to be mildly amusing. Jimmy was a real great time. The mid afternoon brought about a pizza delivery and a study break filled with dumb jokes and a lot of laughing. These two guys had proved to be an excellent distraction. Aside from Jimmy's occasional sympathetic glances, they were leaving all of her obvious issues alone and were just hanging out. It was nice. It was rare. She was actually disappointed when four thirty rolled around and she had to pack up.

"Hey guys, listen, I gotta get going," Alex sighed, dropping a half eaten room temperature slice of pizza back into the box.

"Already? Come on!" Jimmy gave her a playful shove in the shoulder.

"Yeah. I've got to get to work," Alex replied, tucking books into her backpack and being quick about it. "I have to change and do my hair and stuff." She was hoping that sounded girly and vague enough that neither of them would say anything more.

"Well, thanks again for all of your much needed assistance. I owe any and all success on Monday, however average and C range, to you," Jimmy said, giving Alex a bow of respect, half joking around.

"You've done well, Grasshopper," she smiled.

"Alright. Have a good night. Make bank," Jimmy smiled back.

"That's the plan," Alex hoisted her backpack onto her shoulder. She didn't want to talk about the details of work. This was unsafe territory. "Bye Spinner," she called over to where he was restyling a mannequin. Alex was pretty certain that sort of thing was Paige's job. After getting a look at the color combinations Spinner was putting together, she knew why.

"Bye," Spinner replied over his shoulder. He and Jimmy watched her leave without saying much else. Spinner put the finishing touches on his display and Jimmy actually took out his designs and put away his math. "Hey Jimmy," Spinner started, that uncomfortable look in his eye that meant he had an idea.

"Yeah?" Jimmy asked, not looking up from the drawings in front of him.

"You know what we need?" Spinner was grinning.

"What's that?" Jimmy uncapped a marker as he looked up at his friend.

"We need some relaxation, man. We're both working way too hard," Spinner replied.

"You've got that right," Jimmy raised his eyebrows.

"What do you say that tonight after we lock up, we head over to Zanzibar, grab a few beers, tip Alex way too much so you can keep your good guy lesbo pal image in check, and watch some hot ladies do their thing?" Spinner asked. "Eh? Eh? Come on!"

"Dude, no way," Jimmy shot Spinner right down.

"Come on! Boys night out! Me and you! Alex has to be there anyway, we may as well help her make some money!" Spinner tried. Jimmy looked torn. "What, Princess Ash won't let you go?" Spinner shot Jimmy a look of disgust.

"Nah, she's away with her mom this weekend looking a universities," Jimmy said, then instantly regretted it.

"So come on! We'll call it a business trip!" Spinner was getting a little too excited.

"I don't think we should go there, Dude. Alex is kind of touchy and weird about that job," Jimmy gritted his teeth a bit as his brain tried to justify to his dick why it was a bad idea to enjoy Alex's company, help her make money while enjoying a few beers with his business partner and all the while hot women would be getting naked.

"She's a shot girl, man! Who cares! She serves drinks in a little black dress and for such a badass, I don't know why she's being such a pansy about that dumb job." Spinner muttered.

"Alright," Jimmy finally caved. "Let's go."

"Are you serious?!" Spinner lit up.

"But not for a long time, not too many drinks, and no lap dances. Just me and you having a few beers, chatting with Alex at work, and having a night out to chill," Jimmy said sternly.

"Awesome!"

"And no lesbian comments and no being mean to her. She's working." Jimmy pointed a finger at Spinner.

"Done and Done my friend!" Spinner held up his hands in innocence, but he couldn't wipe the devilish grin off his face.

--------------------

Marco and Paige stood in front of the bathroom mirror going through the unspoken competition of who could spend less time getting ready but still come out looking the most fabulous. Paige was winning because Marco was too busy being dumbfounded by Paige's turn around and behavior. She was an emotional disaster two or three days ago and now she was ready to go party. And was smiling about it too. He was happy, this all felt like a very good thing. He hadn't seen Paige get all dolled up in almost a month. The most dressed up he had seen her lately was the occasional sweater with a collared shirt, and only when she was trying to feel professional for work, or there was a chance she was going to run into her mother, which was becoming less and less frequent. Her recent depression and lack of appetite had taken off the Banting 15 she wouldn't shut up about, and she looked utterly smashing this evening in a pair of jeans that let the world know exactly where all of her curves were and a flattering black top that walked the fine line between classy and scandalous.

She looked great. Marco knew that her appearance was usually kind of a big deal and was happy to see her enjoying the getting ready process and not stressing over it. Or ignoring it all together like she had this morning when they went out to eat and she had tired jeans that were not fashionably ripped, they were lazily ripped, a Squatch t shirt (and if he wasn't mistaken it was the same one she had on the day before, heaven forbid) and a really filthy black hoodie he'd never seen in her wardrobe before, and hoped to never see again. Tonight she had the three inch heeled boots, she spent five minutes alone trying to decide on which purse she wanted, and if he did say so himself, her hair looked amazing.

"So," Marco spoke up as he straightened his tie. Paige was leaning over the counter to get a little closer to the mirror as she applied her eye shadow. "Where are we going?" He was hoping they were just out to have a good time, and although he as glad she looked lovely, he hoped that Paige's spectacularly hot get up was not intended for rubbing up against too many spectacularly hot strangers.

"I don't care. Wherever. I just want to have fun with you. I want cheap drinks, loud music and an open dance floor," she smiled as she set the eye shadow down on the counter and picked up her mascara. The counter was completely cluttered. Between Paige's make up and Marco's hair products, Ellie had a hard time finding a place to put her toothbrush.

"Is there anything more you need in life?" Marco grinned at her in the mirror. She giggled back before leaning back in to touch up her mascara. She loved getting ready with Marco. He was honest to a fault, just like she was, and thusly they never left the house together looking anything short of perfect. He was being wonderfully patient and sweet with her through this whole thing. Dylan had been his everything and with him gone, Paige was trying to be there for Marco too. She would just have to be his blond Michaelchuk partner in crime instead of in the bedroom.

"I could think of a few things, but those really take the cake," Paige said, dropping the mascara on the counter and picking up a lipstick and tossing it in her purse. "Ready?"

"As ever!" Marco offered her his arm and they headed downstairs. They were into coats and scarves and out the front door onto the sidewalk, cigarettes lit and heads back in laughter as they chatted with excitement about the night ahead.

---------------------

"Hey Lex," Mel leaned against the bar. Alex was sitting across from her drinking a glass of water and trying to calm down. It was scaring her a bit how easy this was becoming.

"Hey," Alex gave Mel a weak smile. She sensed by Mel's worried eyes and lack of smiles and chatter that Jay had given her the abridged version of the disaster at the diner last night. She didn't mind. it was certainly easier than telling Mel everything herself.

"How's it going?" Mel tried. She was nervously straitening bottles and glasses, making all the labels face out, twisting the tops all the same way. They were all perfectly set, but she kept touching them to occupy her hands and give her a reason to be standing across from her friend.

"Good one," Alex smirked. Mel broke into a smile. At least Alex was feeling a little better.

"Look, Jay talked to me this morning," Mel started. "I'm really sorry. I didn't realize."

"Most people don't. It's okay," Alex nodded.

"What'd you do today?" Mel asked, trying to switch gears to casual conversation for which Alex was thankful.

"Nothing. Studied with a friend all afternoon," Alex sipped her water. Mel made a pretend puzzled face and reached out a hand and pressed it to Alex's forehead.

"You feeling okay" Mel giggled.

"Shut up, shut up," Alex halfheartedly swatted Mel's hand away with a smile on her face. "I have a calc exam on Monday."

"Yuck," Mel stuck out her tongue.

"It won't be so bad," Alex shrugged.

"Some of the girls were laughing at your mirror. You've got books and note books and worksheets all over the place back there," Mel nodded towards the dressing rooms. "And I found this under the bar, I figured it was yours," Mel pulled an organic chemistry lab manual out form under the bar. "You've got homework all over this place!"

"I have to do it sometime? Might as well get paid for it." Alex shrugged and took the book from Mel.

"You're something else, Lex," Mel shook her head and smiled sincerely.

"Don't I know it" Alex rolled her eyes.

"And for what it's worth," Mel paused to look down at her perfect row of shot glasses. "It's her loss," Mel flicked her eyes back up to meet Alex's. Alex didn't know what to say. She wanted to curse Mel out for bringing this up just when she was starting to feel better. She wanted to tell her to mind her own business, or that she was wrong and it was Alex who was lost without Paige, but all that came out was

"Thanks."


	11. Down Right Lethal

-1"What happened to stupidly named cocktails?" Marco whined as Paige sat down across from him with a beer.

"I also said we needed CHEAP drinks," she smiled before bringing the glass to her lips.

"Can't argue with that," Marco shrugged. The pair had a wonderful time together sitting in a corner booth drinking, smoking, giggling and ripping up the bad outfits on the other bar patrons. After all of the week's deep thought and heart to hearts, it felt really excellent to sit and be shallow for a while. Paige's one cheap beer quickly lead to four empty glasses, a full ashtray and slurred speech.

They sat together in a drunk haze, first giggly, then buzzed and overly chatty, now just plain drunk and a little quiet. The music and the noise of the crowd filled their silences. Paige watched with glassed eyes as Marco brought his cigarette to his lips, gently inhaled, then let out a train of smoke carefully and gracefully. She watched him watching the other people, noting slight furrows in his brow or twitches in his lips that meant his mind was clearly saying something along the lines of 'what was he/she thinking and WHY did he/she get dressed in the dark?!'

She wondered how long he'd been smoking. Probably about as long as she had. She knew school was running him ragged, like her, and Dylan's abrupt departure couldn't be helping. It made her wonder if her brother smoked. Maybe. Probably not. Ellie was most likely lighting up behind closed doors. Something like that suited her. She ran through her friends trying to picture all of them with a butt. For some it was easy, Hazel and her sorority friends with wine glasses sitting around with classy 100s. Darcy striking a match against the bible. Ha. Spinner looking just plain silly. Jimmy looking kind of edgy and artsy.

Alex smoked. She saw her smoking. Alex looked like she'd been smoking for years the way she took nonchalant puffs mid conversation. She looked cool and sexy and sophisticated with that cigarette. It was annoying. She hadn't commented on Paige's cigarette, thank god, and why the fuck should she, they both had one. At least now when they were together, Paige wouldn't have to worry about hiding-

Wait. They weren't together. And they might not be together ever again. It was entirely possible and definitely likely that Paige was going to fail. Not win her over. Not be right about this. Maybe Alex didn't want to take her back. It was plausible that this was really all over.

"Do you think she misses me?" Paige blurted, eyes wide in shock at her own outburst.

"Who, Alex?" Marco asked, absentmindedly stirring his drink with his straw.

"Yeah." Paige looked down, pulling another cigarette from her purse.

"I know she does," Marco said matter of factly. He leaned back into the booth a bit.

"Because I," Paige paused. Her voice catching. "I miss her, too." She looked up at Marco with guilty eyes and put the cigarette between her lips. She managed to keep it there despite her sheepish grin.

"I know," Marco smiled warmly.

"I just feel so empty, you know?" Paige said softly. It was hard to admit sometimes. Even to him.

"Yes. I do. Believe me," Marco rolled his eyes before taking a drag.

"Her laugh and her smile I miss the most," Paige's eyes fell back to her lap as a blush crept into her cheeks. "And the way her hand fit perfectly over my-"

"Paige!"

"I was going to say lower back, perv," Paige gave Marco a tired look. "She used to do that all the time. I miss it. I miss HER! I just wish I could see her," Paige sighed.

"If only it were that easy," Marco smiled sadly. Paige perked up a bit. Her head cocked to the side and her lips turned up in a smile.

"I think it is," she said quickly, some of the drunk glaze in her eyes replaced with a hint of a sparkle.

"Oh no. Paige?" Marco sat up straighter. "What? What are you plotting?" His eyes were wide with fear. Paige with an idea was dangerous. Drunk Paige with an idea might be down right lethal.

"Let's go to Zanzibar!" Paige spat out excitedly.

"WHAT?! NO! Abso! Lutely! Not!" Marco slapped the table three times on his words for emphasis.

"Come on!"

"No way! Are you out of your fucking skull? NO!"

"Just one drink and we'll leave! I just want to be able to see her. I want to tell her-" Paige cut herself off.

"Tell her what?" Marco asked, almost a warning tone in his voice. He did stop in his protest to show his curiosity about gossip.

"Nothing! Let's just go!" Paige shook his arm, trying to get him excited. She polished off the beer before her in a few swift gulps, the ease at which she did so made Marco nervous.

"Paige!" Marco warned again.

"Fine, pouty pants. I want to tell her that I'm sorry," Paige got up and started putting on her jacket and gathering her purse to make the situation seem less serious. She wanted to remain casual about this. "And, well, that I love her," she tacked on, almost under her breath.

"Whoa. Whoa. Wait." Marco held up his hands. This wasn't going to end well. There was too much beer involved, there would be yelling and broken hearts. This wasn't how this was supposed to happen!

"And if you don't follow me, I'm going without you," Paige squished her butt into the ashtray after one last quick drag.

"Paige? Wait! No! Paige?" Marco chased her out of the bar to where she was hailing a cab on the sidewalk.

---------------------

"Are you sure this is such a good idea, dude?" Jimmy asked Spinner again as they were getting carded at the door of Zanzibar.

"Yes! Jimmy, man, come on!" Spinner cried, giving the bouncer his ID and a big goofy smile just like the one in the picture.

"Alright, Alright, sorry. I just feel like we're bothering her at work," Jimmy passed his ID up to the bouncer.

"Dude, Alex will be happy to see you now that you two are little buddies," Spinner gave Jimmy a playful shove.

"You two know Alex?" The Bouncer looked quizzically at them.

"Uh, yeah," Jimmy replied. "She's a friend of ours from school."

"Really," The bouncer let out a snort of a laugh.

"Yeah?" Jimmy said, unintentionally making a question of his reply. He was uneasy.

"Well then," The bouncer gave them a knowing look and a wink. "You gentlemen have a lovely evening," he extended his arm to welcome them inside. Jimmy glanced back over his shoulder. He caught the eye of the bouncer. He was making some suggestive gestures. Jimmy shook his head and tried to remind himself of what kind of place he was in. Spinner, meanwhile, sauntered right up to the bar. He'd met Mel once at a party, maybe twice, talked to her enough to know who she was. She was currently standing behind the bar pouring a row of shots.

"Hey Mel," Spinner smiled politely. Mel looked up and gasped, knocking over a few of her glasses in the process.

"Spinner! Jimmy!" She gulped down air. Not good. Definitely not good. "What are you doing here?!" She hurried to clean up the spilled liquor and refill the order.

"Well, we were going to have a drink," Spinner laughed a little.

"You can't!" Mel yelped.

"What?! Why not?" Spinner squinted at her. She was awfully bizarre when she was sober.

"You just can't!" She spat out. She was quickly getting flustered.

"Fine! We'll ask another waitress! We wanted Alex anyway," Spinner retorted.

"Really?" Mel gave them an even more confused look. Jimmy and Spinner exchanged glances. This girl was messed up.

"Uh, yeah? She said she was working tonight. We wanted to come by and tip her real well," Spinner smiled.

"WHAT?!?" Mel shrieked. It gained her the attention of Vlad at the corner of the bar. He was enjoying a drink with a few of the clubs high rolling regulars. He stood up a bit straighter and arched his eyebrow at her. Mel bit her lip and turned back to Spinner. "What the fuck is wrong with you two?!" She hissed.

"Sorry! We didn't know it was a crime to have our friend serve us beers and leave her way too much money!" Spinner snapped.

"Oh. OH!" Mel paused, realization setting in. They had no idea. "You wanted Alex to be your waitress?"

"Yeah. So, what? Is she on a break or something?" Spinner looked around. He didn't see Alex in the bar anywhere.

"She went home!" Mel blurted out awkwardly. "It was slow." Mel winced at her lame attempt. Jimmy looked around at the packed bar. He spotted at least six shot girls busting ass to get their orders filled and they all looked overworked and miserable.

"Right," Jimmy trailed off, then looked up at Mel. "I guess we'll go then."

"Perfect!" Mel clasped her hands together. Safe!

"Jimmy! Spinner!" A very inebriated Paige came bursting through the door and muscled her way to the bar. She had a drunk, exhausted Marco in tow who was dishing out apologetic looks to everyone.

"PAIGE!" Mel gasped so hard she coughed. "What the HELL are YOU doing here?!" There was no hiding it now. Jimmy could tell by the look on Mel's face that something was very wrong. He knew he never should have listened to Spinner on this one.

"I need to talk to Alex, Hun. It's tres important," Paige leaned on the bar and unknowingly slipped into her business voice.

"You can't." Mel snapped. What the fuck were all of these kids doing here? Didn't they know Lex had it bad enough? The dumb one and the wheelchair made sense, even if a little strange, they were healthy horny boys, but the gay one and PAIGE? Mel didn't think Paige had the balls for this sort of thing. Or the stomach.

"She went home early," Jimmy tapped Paige on the side. He was picking up on the fact that either Mel was hiding something or had a drug problem, but felt like the four of them shouldn't stick around to find out which.

"Really?" Paige looked down at Jimmy with a truly sad look in her eyes.

"Hey, Mel, can you make me one of your magic brown drinks again? I'm not feeling so hot after my first run," Alex emerged from the back room and was behind the bar in a satin red g string and red corset that had been haphazardly tied back on. Her robe was draped lazily over her shoulders and she was pulling fives and tens out of the strap at her hip. She was done up from hair to heels in bright red. She looked up across the bar right into the very stunned face of Paige.

"OH."

"Paige!" Alex interrupted her.

"MY."

"It's not what it-"

"GOD." Paige finished, blinking repeatedly. She wanted to look away but she couldn't. Marco had his hands on the sides of his head. Jimmy wouldn't look up at Alex, clenched his eyes shut and looked away. Mel had a hand over her eyes and held her drink tray to her chest.

"I can explain!" Alex begged. Her stomach worked its way into her throat. She was too overwhelmed with emotions to pick just one and wanted to run and panic and get sick. All of them. Now they REALLY knew. The secret was out and they were all staring. And PAIGE! Why did it have to be PAIGE?!

"You're a stripper!" Paige's voice was light with shock and discomfort. This was not part of the plan. Alex was all gussied up and the most heart breaking part of all as that she looked gorgeous. Paige was too drunk to panic. She didn't know what to say or how to feel. She felt embarrassed and wasn't sure what for. Maybe for Alex, maybe for all of them, the situation, maybe for being so god damned naive thinking she could just show up here and they'd fall back into one another's arms and back into bed. This was AWFUL.

"Alex," Mel said reassuringly. Alex looked ready to fall apart. That was it. The last straw.

"I'm, wow, I'm, you're," Paige babbled a bit, her eyes anywhere but on Alex's scantily clad frame. "I'm sorry." Paige pushed through the crowd abruptly and was out on the curb. Marco offered Alex a shrug and the most sympathetic look he could muster before dashing out after Paige. Alex was in shock. She didn't move. Her face was hard. She was begging the tears in her eyes to hold out until she got out back where she could have a good fucking cry.

"Lex, come on," Mel pulled Alex outback with her.

"Spin, let's get the hell out of here," Jimmy wouldn't look up until he knew Alex was gone. He felt disrespectful. Spinner didn't look away. He stood stock still in surprise, his mouth half open. "Spinner!" Jimmy said firmly, giving Spinner a whack in the side and heading for the door. Spinner reluctantly followed, glancing back over his shoulder a few times at where Alex and Mel had disappeared.


	12. You kind of helped

_"She's a STRIPPER!" Paige cried out once they were on their way home._

_"I know," Marco said quietly. Paige had been borderline hysterical since the doors of Zanzibar fell shut behind her. Marco had wrapped an arm around her and hailed a cab. No need for Paige to have this melt down in public on the bus. She'd thank him for this tomorrow. Maybe._

_"A stripper!" Paige cried again, dropping her head back against the seat She was wiping her eyes and blowing her nose in her scarf. Marco knew she'd be ripshit about that in the morning, but wasn't about to try and stop her._

_"Paige," Marco rested a hand on Paige's knee._

_"I don't even know what to THINK right now!" Paige cried, throwing her hands up. Her palms fell heavy and defeated onto her thighs. She was drunk, really really drunk, and angry. And disappointed. And shamefully turned on, but still really fucking mad about all of this but not really sure why._

_"You don't know her side of it," Marco made an attempt to be rational. He knew he shouldn't bother. Paige wasn't going to be thinking rationally for at least another twelve hours. And that was a modest estimate._

_"I don't know if I want to!" Paige blurted, a short sob cutting her off. Just when she was ready to bear it all, throw all of her doubts and reservations out the window, tell pretty much all of Toronto to get fucked, she was blindsided by her supposed true love in tacky red satin garnished with filthy bills._

_"Hey, don't be like that," Marco said, his voice a mixture of soothing and warning._

_"She's a STRIPPER!" Paige lit a cigarette._

_"Hey, Doll. You can't smoke in here," the cab driver glanced in his rearview mirror at Paige._

_"Listen, Buster. I just found out that my ex-girlfriend, to whom I was planning to declare my love this evening, is taking her clothes off for money. I need this cigarette," Paige snapped._

_"Light one for me and you can smoke all you want, Princess," the driver stifled a laugh. That broad was into chicks? Hot. Paige handed him a lit butt and ignored the interested tone in his perverted voice about her sexuality. She was too drunk and mad to care._

_"Look, maybe there's something she's not telling you," Marco tried._

_"Uh, YEAH. She's taking her ever loving clothes off and getting paid for it!" Paige shouted. "She failed to mention THAT!" Her voice was hoarse with tears, beers, yelling and smoke._

_"Oh come on!" Marco moaned._

_"Did you see the way those men were looking at her? The cat calls and whistling?! Marco that is DISGUSTING," Paige shouted. _

_"Paige you're being ridiculous! You're not even-"_

_"Marco!" she held up a hand to silence him. She was a complete and total wreck. Her cheeks were lined with mascara. She was at a loss for how to feel, or maybe just felt too much all at once. She was mad at herself for being mad. Mad at herself for how she behaved. Mad at herself for thinking everything would be okay with an 'I Love You.' Mad at herself for finding this degrading disaster disgustingly hot in the back of her twisted drunk little mind. Her head was throbbing from anxiety and too much cheap beer and her stomach-_

_Uh oh. Her stomach._

_"I don't feel well," Paige said lowly to Marco._

_"I know. This is going to take some getting used to, Paige, but I really think you're going to-"_

_"No. I REALLY don't feel well," Paige looked at him with serious eyes and flicked her cigarette out the window._

_"Oh jeeze, oh, okay," Marco read the look on her face. "You know what? Right here is fine we can walk," Marco said quickly to the driver who slammed on his breaks, lurching the two of them forward. They were a street over from their apartment. Paige hurried out of the cab as Marco handed the driver a few bills. "Paige! Wait!"_

_"Stripping!" Paige cried again as they hurried down the sidewalk. Marco was fumbling in his coat pockets for his keys._

_"I know, Paige," he said, frustrated this time. They were on the steps and he was still looking for his key. He took her purse from her and started going through it looking for hers._

_"She always WAS kind of a freak and has this wild side that like, makes me feel like I could see her on the pole one day, but THIS?" Paige babbled, her voice sounding drunker by the moment. She was swaying back and forth on the step, periodically grabbing onto the railing._

_"What?!" Marco paused mid-rummage, Paige's pink Prada bag balanced on his knee._

_"Not that I would've seen this coming, but like, she's probably really good at it," Paige's eyes were falling shut. "What am I saying?! She gets naked for men for money!" Paige caught herself. Her eyes widened a bit._

_"Paige? Are you alright?" Marco asked carefully. She answered him by leaning over the railing and throwing up. _

_"No!" she snapped before losing it again. Marco dropped her purse and scooped as much of her curled blond locks as he could into a makeshift ponytail in his hands while Paige yacked. Marco looked away and tried not to listen to the sounds of her upheaval._

_"Okay," He said slowly, holding her hair in one hand and gently patting her back with the other. "There you go," He winced as she heaved real hard. It just made him sad. Paige was horribly dignified in everything she did. All of her every day tasks held such panache. Even watching the girl make a sandwich or get the mail made him smile because she did it all like she was on a runway. Throwing up on the front steps was not in her repertoire. _

_"I'm such an idiot, Marco," Paige whispered. She spit and sniffled, still crying._

_"You are not," Marco sighed. _

_"I really, really, am." Paige's face scrunched up as she fought another round of tears. These ones were not for Alex, not for the situation, not for the beer, but for herself. She just felt so god damned terrible. How did her life find its way into this fucking MESS? "I ruin everything I go near," Paige squeaked out. "Everyone. Everything." She shook her head before spitting again. She was bent over still, partially so she could hide from Marco and partially because she wasn't quite positive that her stomach was empty._

_"While all of that may seem like it's true," Marco raked his fingers though Paige's hair to make sure there were no stray strands in the line of fire. "None of it makes you an idiot."_

_--_

_"Did you know about this?" Jimmy asked Spinner after fifteen minutes of silence in the car. Spinner glanced away from the road just long enough to give Jimmy a hurt look._

_"What?! Dude! No!" Spinner spat out._

_"Are you shitting me?" Jimmy glared hard at Spinner. Spinner didn't have to turn to see him. He could feel it._

_"Jimmy, I had no idea. I thought she was a waitress, man, I swear," Spinner said. His voice was so sincere that Jimmy had to believe him. Spinner gripped the wheel a little tighter, brow furrowed as he drove on, pissed that Jimmy would accuse him of something like that. Jimmy was still upset, staring out the window, arms crossed tightly over his chest._

_"Did you call Paige or text her or something to meet us there?" He asked, slightly accusingly._

_"No! Look man, all of my intentions to have a beer and watch you and Alex be BFFs were true. I had no idea she was a stripper and had nothing to do with Paige showing up!" Spinner blurted, his voice high pitched. "Like I would call Paige for anything other than work schedules or bogus crap! You know she and I are barely talking!" He scoffed._

_"It just all seemed a little too coincidental," Jimmy sighed. "And I know you're still head over heels for Paige, and jealous of her an Alex's...whatever-"_

_"Paige and Alex do NOT have a whatever," Spinner interrupted firmly._

_"Yeah, dude. They do."_

_"No way!"_

_"Did you see what happened twenty minutes ago? If there was no whatever everything would've been fine!" Jimmy huffed._

_"Dude, our friend takes her clothes off for a living, it's not fine, there is no whatever," Spinner shook his head._

_"Whatever, man," Jimmy rubbed his eyes._

_"No! There IS no whatever!" _

_"Just shut up and drive us home," Jimmy held his hands up to calm Spinner down._

_--_

_Mel gave Alex a ride home. She had consoled her in the employee bathroom for thirty minutes and pulled some strings with the bouncers and announcers, complete with twenty dollar bribe, and rearranged the entire line up so Alex didn't have to go back out again. She had gone through Alex's locker and found her jeans and a sweatshirt, had dodged the rolling eyes of all the other girls, and gave one of the frailer ones what-for until the tall skinny red head handed over her make up remover and a hair brush which she snuck out back to Alex._

_Mel hadn't sad anything. She offered no lame attempts at cheering Alex up because she knew there just wasn't anything to say. She had offered they go get a drink, which Alex politely declined, then lit them both a cigarette and headed for Alex's neighborhood._

_"Are you sure you're going to be alright here tonight?" Mel winced, glancing at Alex's rundown apartment building. _

_"Yeah," Alex said quietly, clearing her throat as she raked her hair back into a high ponytail. She wasn't sure herself, but she didn't know what else to do. She just wanted to go to sleep, but had a feeling it would never come._

_"You can come stay with me and Jay, Lexi. You know we don't mind," Mel offered. It was sincere. She meant it. _

_"No, it's okay. Not tonight. I just want to go home and get some sleep," Alex replied. She looked exhausted. She'd cried for a long time, spent a while puking from anxiety in the back, and her body and face showed the wear. Her eyes more than anything._

_"Alright," Mel said, unconvinced. _

_"I'll be fine. Thanks for your help tonight," Alex glanced away, feeling shy and pathetic. She hated that she was dragging other people into this, dragging others down with her. Especially Mel who was nothing short of sweet._

_"Take care of yourself, Lexi. Call me tomorrow. We'll have breakfast," Mel offered a weak smile. It was genuine, but a full one just didn't feel right._

_"I will," Alex waved and shut the car door, trudging up the few flights of stairs to her apartment. She could hear that the TV was on. No surprise there. She could also hear her mother laughing._

_"Mom?" Alex asked, confused as she closed the flimsy door and turned the lock behind her. _

_"Lexi! Hey!" Emily smiled, leaning over the back of the couch. Alex brightened for a moment to see that smile on her mother's face. Her stomach sank the next._

_"Hey kid! Guess who made bail?!" _

_Chad. _

_Chad slung his arm over the couch and shot her that weasely toothy grin of his. She froze. Her jaw fell. Her stomach turned. Her skin felt freezing. She wanted to scream but her voice choked in the back of her throat. There was just no way._

_"He got his old job back and everything, Baby! We're going to be okay!" Emily grinned, then giggled and swatted at Chad as he planted a sloppy drunk kiss on her cheek. They were giggling like teenagers._

_Drunk teenagers._

_"How?" was all Alex managed to choke out. But she had already put the pieces together. The money. She had just given her mother everything. EVERYTHING. And everything she had to give up to get it._

_"Well," Emily looked down, guilt creeping into her drunken grin. "You kind of helped."_

_"You used that money that I..." Alex trailed off, her breath short. She was having trouble getting air into her lungs. Part of her wanted to yell. Part of her wanted to run. Part of her wanted to cry. Most of her wanted to faint._

_"But we're okay now! We're back on track! I went with Chad to get his job back together, he starts tomorrow, Lex! We can be okay even sooner than before!" Emily roughed up Chad's hair, her giggly affectionate smile plastered back on her face. Alex couldn't smile back. She was focusing just on breathing. "Babe? Lexi? Are you alright?" Emily sat up a little straighter. Alex had a hand to her chest. She fell back into the door behind her._

_"Sounds like you got some job, Kiddo! Looks like you're doing better than both of us!" Chad raised his eyebrows and gave Alex a smile._

_"Mom?" Alex spoke in a voice just above a whisper. It was hard to talk. She couldn't fight the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes. "Did you use the rent that I gave you?" She could barely get the sentence out. She was trying too hard not to be sick._

_"Not all of it," Emily couldn't look at Alex as she spoke. Alex clenched her hands into fists. She couldn't be there. She couldn't stay there. She couldn't be anywhere. She banged one of her balled fists into the door behind her. It hit with a loud thud that echoed in the empty stairwell. After another fierce pound on the door, she stormed to her room, not bothering to close the door behind her as she violently reached into her closet for a duffle bag. _

_She couldn't stay there._

_"Honey!" Emily leapt off the couch with Chad on her heels. "Honey, it's going to be okay now!" _

_"No! It's NOT okay!" Alex shouted back, quickly stuffing everything her blurry mind thought she might need. It was mostly her school books, that old box of photographs. A few clean shirts. Paige's Banting hoodie. Maybe she should leave that. "Do you know what I had to do to GET that money?!" Alex screamed, whirling around as she stalked through her room trying not to miss anything. Her heart and brain were racing so fast she could barely see._

_"Yeah, Lex. And all those tables you waited have gotten us back on our-"_

_"I didn't wait any god damn tables!" Alex shouted, coming to a halt and throwing her arms up. Emily flinched at Alex's voice. The words sank in and her face got hard._

_"I knew it," Emily shook her head, her teeth clenched. Chad didn't look any more pleased. "Where'd you steal that money from, Lexi?"_

_"I didn't steal it!" Alex cried, cramming the purple sweatshirt into the bag on top of her things and throwing the strap over her shoulder._

_"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" Emily tried. Alex pushed through them, not too much of a challenge considering their drunk balance, and headed for the door. Chad grabbed her by the wrist and whirled her around. His grip was tight. It hurt as he jerked her arm._

_"Your mother asked you a question, you ungrateful little brat!" Chad sneered, his rum-ridden breath all over her face._

_"Ungrateful!" Alex cried, struggling to try and shove him away. "I destroyed myself to get your worthless ass out of jail!" Alex's voice cracked._

_"Lexi!" Emily tried._

_"No! Forget it! Consider it my last favor! I'm Leaving!" Alex choked out through tears. "I hope you two are fucking miserable together!" She tried to shake her arm free but Chad's grip was tight. His face hardened and Alex only had a moment to flinch before he wound up and caught her across the face. Her neck jerked. There was a momentary bright flash in her vision before it stalled and came back. Emily shrieked. Alex rolled her jaw, and managed to tear her arm away._

_"Don't you ever speak to me or your mother like that again!" Chad pointed hard at her._

_"I don't plan to speak to either of you again!" Alex pushed, her voice strained. Her head was still spinning from the blow. Chad grabbed her again, by her upper arm this time, and yanked her close._

_"She's your mother. You're not going to talk to her like that!" He gave her a hard shake. Alex bit her lip and tried to get out of his grip. She bit the insides of her cheeks to keep from shooting her mouth off even more. She struggled from his grip, the swearing that slurred out of his drunken mouth were clouded as her mind focused on her only goal. She had to get out. It was all in slow motion as her back hit the wall first, the molding hitting her in the side just right, followed by the back of her head. She felt his hand release slowly as he pushed her. She could see the door to the hall out of the corner of her eye and dashed for it. She could barely hear them shouting behind her as she ran down the stairs, tripping as she took them two at a time near the top. She could hear them telling her not to dream of coming back. When she burst back onto the cold streets, she could still hear them from inside, but now they seemed to be yelling at one another. With a loud crash, she saw the lights go out in the windows. Her old windows._

_She took a heavy breath. She wasn't going back._


	13. Numb

"She did what?" Ellie gaped, her jaw slack. She and Marco were whispering in the kitchen even though there was no way Paige was going to hear them. Marco had helped her inside, helped her get sick once more in the bathroom, helped her get into her pajamas and into bed. She was long gone. Probably for the best.

"I tried to stop her, El. Really. But you know how she is," Marco rubbed his hands over his eyes and up into his hair. Ellie had come out of her room in the scuffle. She had tired eyes and a tell tale glossing over of too many hours in front of the computer.

"Oh my god," Ellie rolled her eyes away, shaking her head. She had one arm crossed tight across her chest, the other brought a glass of juice to her lips. Her hair was all pulled back and she wasn't wearing any make up. Marco wondered for a split second what she was doing all alone in the house on a Saturday night, but the fleeting thought came and went as the weight of the evening returned.

"It was awful," Marco sighed as he poured himself a glass of water. "And Alex! Pour Alex!" He hissed.

"So. Nunez is a stripper, huh?" Ellie mulled the thought over, letting it wash back and forth in her head.

"Ellie, don't," Marco warned, giving her a look. He wasn't sure who he felt bad for anymore. He was beginning to think it was all of them.

"I just didn't see that coming is all," Elli shrugged, hiding her smug smirk behind her drink.

"I highly doubt it was something she WANTED to do. Paige was telling me how hard up Alex and her mom are right now, all that stuff with her mom's boyfriend, oh my god I can't believe this night just happened!" Marco whined, dropping his elbows onto the counter and hiding his face in his hands. Ellie softened a bit. This was going to kill the poor guy and he was barely involved.

"Look, Marco," she tried, awkwardly patting his back. "I think you should try and get some sleep. This'll look better in the morning." He slowly lifted his head and stared at her.

"How is this ever going to look any better?" he moaned.

"Well?" Ellie winced. "I don't know. But I think I was obligated to say that." She winced again, realizing that any of her attempts were going to be fairly futile.

"Good night, El," Marco sighed and trudged up the stairs.

--

"You just let her go home?" Jay yelped. He was sitting at the foot of the bed near the TV. The fight was on quietly. He'd been waiting up for Mel to get home. He'd gone out earlier to play pool with some of the guys, but now that he was getting older, late nights at the ravine were really starting to lose his interest. He liked being there when she got home from work.

Mel was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He could hear the clinking of al her jewelry hitting the bathroom counter. It reminded him that he liked those earrings on her. He should've said something.

"She said she was fine, Jay. What do you want me to do, hold her down with my bare hands? This is Alex we're talking about," Mel reminded him as she poked her head out of the bathroom to look at him. Her make up was half gone and she was holding a face cloth, getting rid of the rest. He flicked his eyes up at her, then back to the fight quickly, then back up at her again

Shit she was pretty.

"I know, but like," he stuttered. "You know how screwed up everything is with her and Paige and you know that fucking girl is the only thing that turns Lex upside down like that! I don't like the idea of her alone right now. You should've called me!" Jay growled in frustration.

"Her heart's broken but she's not irrational, Jay. She said she just wanted to go to bed and after that drama show I don't blame her. They were all there, Babe. The one in the wheel chair and the one Paige dated forever, and that really pretty little gay one," Mel ducked back into the bathroom and started to take down her hair.

"What the fuck were all of those idiots doing there?" Jay cried.

"Well, the two straight ones are like, friends with her. They thought she was still a shot girl and were just there for drinks. I don't know what Paige's problem was, but she was hammered," Mel flicked the bathroom light off as she strolled back into the bedroom. She hung up her dress from the night in the closet and Jay smiled at her back for a brief moment. She was in a tank top and pajama bottoms, her blond hair piled on top of her head, and she had a slow tired way about her. He felt lucky for a fleeting moment before remembering what he was dealing with.

"Jesus," Jay rubbed his eyes.

"She'll be alright, Jay," Mel sighed as she pulled on a long sleeved shirt and crawled into bed. It was cold in their tiny apartment. Even with Mel picking up half the bills, they still had to skimp on the heat.

"I don't know, Babe," He eased back onto the mattress, one arm around her and the other behind his head. He stared at the still ceiling fan as she pulled the blankets over them both and curled up into him. "I just don't like this. Do you think I should call her?" He looked down at her. She looked back up with a shrug.

"I really think she's okay. She was shaken up and upset, but she was doing worlds better by the time I got her home," Mel told him a little more firmly this time. She wrapped her arm around his waist and snuggled closer. He sighed, trying to relax with her.

"Something just feels wrong. Do you think there's something I should do?" Jay looked at her again.

"I told her we could have breakfast. That I'd call her in the morning. If you want to call her now, go ahead, but I'm going to bet she's fast asleep. She looked like she was going to drop."

"You're probably right," Jay sighed, kissing the top of Mel's head and trying to calm down. He was wide awake as he felt her body start to fall asleep against him.

--

She really should have grabbed a jacket. It was freezing out. Alex didn't know where to go and spending the night on the street was getting less appealing by the moment. It was going to be absolutely brutal in just a sweatshirt. There was always the women's shelter. They knew her there. It had been a few years, but she figured the same women were still running it. But she wasn't sure she could face that tonight.

She'd been humiliated enough for one lifetime.

It was getting late. Or maybe it was getting early, she wasn't sure. Alex had no idea how long she'd been walking. She couldn't feel her feet. Everything was numb. Numb from the cold and numb from her life. Her hands didn't feel like they were there. Her mind was numb. So was her heart. She wasn't herself. She couldn't think. Couldn't feel. She couldn't stop crying and it was making her colder. She chain smoked as she walked, throwing cigarette after cigarette into the wet streets. Her sneakers were soaked from the slush.

Why did Paige have to see her like that? Perhaps they weren't on the greatest of terms, and sometimes wanted to tear each other's eyes out for hurting them so badly, but it was technically none of Paige's goddamn business what Alex was up to. But it still hurt like hell. It made her chest tight. It was hard to swallow. They all knew now. Just as she was building relationships with these people, they had to see her at her lowest and dirtiest.

And Paige.

She looked beautiful. Alex hadn't seen her that dressed up in ages. All dressed up to come and see her. Come and see her and what? Maybe she wanted to talk. Maybe she didn't. It didn't really matter anymore. Maybe she knew all along and just wanted to embarrass the shit out of her and make her feel awful

It worked.

Alex jumped back from the street and onto the sidewalk as a bus screamed around the corner and just missed taking her out. She wasn't paying attention.

How could she? Her own mother.

She was alone now. Really alone. She was going to have to do it on her own. She ignored the whistles from a group of young guys and hoisted her bag higher onto her shoulder. She ducked her head and ignored the bum begging for change. Begging for a cigarette. Begging for anything. She needed everything she had right now. It was all she had.

She shook her head trying to get herself back. Her brain just swam. She glanced up at the street signs.

She was in Jay's neighborhood.

The numbness was starting to take over. It hurt. Everything she couldn't feel was starting to throb. The cold in her hands and feet and very core was so terrible that it was starting to burn. She coughed, her breath suddenly frozen in her lungs. She forced herself to keep walking. It had to be almost morning. She hoped Mel was ready for that breakfast.


	14. They Understood

"Did you hear that?" Mel woke with a start. She picked her head up off of Jay's chest and glanced towards their closed bedroom door.

"Hm?" Jay asked sleepily. He'd finally nodded off just a little while ago.

"I thought I heard someone at the door," Mel sat up a bit more. She knew Jay's neighborhood was a bad one when she moved in, but it was all he could afford. It also beat the hell out of staying with her junkie father and his equally strung out girlfriend. She never wanted to admit to Jay that she slept so lightly there because she was nervous. Sleeping with him made her feel safer, but the sounds of the dark end of the city kept her up late.

"Mel, it's five-thirty," Jay groaned, stretching to look at the clock on the headboard behind them.

"I know that," she hissed. Even in the dark, he knew the eyes she was giving him by the tone of her voice. "But I swear I heard someone-"

She was cut off by three soft knocks on the front door. They both sat up and stared at one another in the dark.

"Who the hell?" Jay trailed off as he pulled back the blankets. A quick chill ran over him, but he shrugged it off. His bare feet stepped lightly on the cold tile floors. "Stay there," Jay whispered, pointing at Mel who had tried to get out of bed. She was still sitting up, the blankets pulled up to her chest. She watched as Jay approached the front door, tripping in the dark over something on the floor in the living room. He swore. He put his eye to the peephole and his stomach sank.

"Who is it!" Mel hissed. Jay threw the door open. Alex was leaning against the wall with her arms clamped around herself. She was shivering. She was cold and wet. She looked like she might be sick. There was a huge bruise across her cheek.

And she was crying.

"Lex!" Jay pushed the door wide open and wrapped her up into his arms. She didn't move. She was convulsing with shivers. He felt all of her weight fall against him. Mel was behind him in seconds at the mention of their friends name. "You're freezing!" Jay yelped. Alex just leaned into him feeling pathetic. She was crying harder now that he was holding her. She was too cold to move. Too tired to explain. Too upset to try.

"Jesus, Lexi! What happened?" Mel squawked, putting a reassuring hand on Alex's back. She didn't reply. Jay and Mel both looked down at the overstuffed duffle bag on the floor by Alex's feet. They met eyes.

They understood.

"Here, Lex. Come on. Come in," Jay coaxed. He was trying desperately to avoid getting angry. He knew what a drunk backhand across the cheek from someone twice your size looked like. He had been, ashamedly, on both ends of it.

"C'mere, Babe," Mel pulled Alex off of Jay and into her own arms so he could gather up her bag. Jay closed the door and flipped all the locks. He added two more since Mel started staying there regularly.

Alex's sobbing was all that cut through the awkward silence. Jay turned on a light and put her bag on the couch. He didn't know what to do with himself. It was making him feel ill. He loved her to death.

"Jay, she's freezing," Mel said, turning her head to give Jay a serious look. Her voice had a much more aware and awake sense to it. "Go run the shower, get it good and warm. Lex?" Mel pulled back just enough to look at Alex's face. "You're clothes are soaked and cold. We need to get you warm and dry, okay, Babe?"

Alex just nodded. She felt too pathetic to talk. She knew they'd take care of her and it was why she was here, but she didn't know how bad it was going to feel. Mel had one hand gently holding the back of Alex's head and the other wrapped around tightly around her body. Alex was too damn cold and the genuine touches felt too good to tell Mel that both of her hands were on fresh bruises. All she wanted to do was cry harder. It was all she could think of to do. She just wanted to hide her face in Mel's shoulder and wake up from this nightmare in a few days.

She didn't say anything as she let Mel usher her towards the bathroom. Mel got out some clean towels and gently closed the door behind her.

"Jesus Christ," Jay muttered. He was looking through the cabinets for something to make Alex to eat. Something Hot. His choices were fairly limited. He and Mel were less than domestic.

"She's in the shower," Mel nodded with her head in the direction of the bathroom. She was making a bed up on the couch with extra blankets from Jay's closet. Her mind barely registered that she was kind of surprised that he had them.

"I was gonna make her something to eat," Jay said shyly, scratching the back of his head. Mel would've smiled if she weren't so beside herself. She loved how much he loved her. It was sweet. She opened Alex's bag to make sure the clothes inside weren't wet. She frowned.

"Oh Lex," Mel sighed, a hand over her mouth. There was a well worn Banting hoodie on the top of the pile.

"Aw, Lexi, come on," Jay groaned to himself, looking over Mel's shoulder at the purple logo.

"I'm going to get her some pajamas," Mel said quietly and headed for their room.

--

She couldn't believe this was really happening. She'd really walked out. She was really gone. The water in Jay's shower was a little too hot and it hurt her skin. Alex looked down and got a good look at her sides. She had a trail of bruises over her hip and ribs where she'd hit the wall. Her wrist had a tell-tale black and blue around it. Same with her bicep. Her face would be impossible to hide. Everyone would see, everyone would know. She was still crying as she washed her hair. The lump at the back of her head was bigger than she thought.

How was she going to go to work like this? No amount of foundation and bronzer was going to hide this evil truth. And school. How would she face Degrassi this way? No big deal, she'd done it before. She used to show up more ragged than this. She'd shrug it off with a 'shoulda seen the other guy' and ditch her next class.

Things were different now. People cared about her now. They were going to ask. Jimmy was going to ask, Spinner probably wouldn't know how to, but that will make it worse. Hatsilakos can never mind her own damn business, and Paige was going to flip out -

Wait.

Paige wasn't going to know. She didn't speak to Paige. Holy shit, how she wished she was here right now. Paige always knew exactly what to say. Even when she had no idea. Alex rinsed her hair and let the hot water run down over her face. It hurt. It hurt real good. The tears were back. She couldn't help it.

She missed her.

Flaws and all, confusion and all, idiotic slang and oversized handbag, she missed her. And right now, at her very worst, it scared her that Paige was the only one she wanted.

Alex wrapped a towel around herself and stepped into the living room. A sad smile tugged at her lips. A full bed was made up. A bowl of Spaghettios was still steaming with a glass of juice next to it. Her pajamas were laid out, too. Alex had never been so happy to see that stupid Banting logo.


	15. Actually listen

Paige didn't get up right away.

She lay awake in her sheets praying that last night has been some kind of sick nightmare. The pounding in her head and dry taste in her mouth lead her to believe she had in fact been partying. Her clothes from last night were folded neatly on the floor.

Marco.

She carefully pulled the blankets back. She didn't want to wake up and have the day start because that was going to make it all real. She was going to have to handle it now. She rubbed her eyes and let out an involuntary groan. She felt like absolute hell inside and out. It all started flooding back to her as she sat up and let her head spin. The way Alex was nonchalantly standing at the bar, flicking fives and tens between those fingers, counting her greasy earnings. Standing in that way she always had, casual, one knee bent, shoulders in that somehow confidant slouch. And that look. The look on her face of pure horror and guilt and undeniable shame when their eyes met.

Stripping. She was honestly stripping? How bad could it be over there? How much money could they need that fast? Couldn't they get a loan or something? Who was she kidding, she didn't know how any of that worked. Bankruptcy was so foreign to Paige that she literally couldn't understand what Alex could possibly be going though no matter how hard she tried. How scared Alex must be. What kind of panic that must create.

Paige slowly and carefully made her way into the kitchen, staring blankly into the fridge. Marco and Ellie abruptly stopped talking, but she hadn't noticed them anyway. She ever so slowly leaned her forehead against the edge of the cool open fridge door. Marco looked at Ellie and winced.

"Um," Ellie broke the tense silence. "I have a few diet cokes stashed in the crisper for emergencies," Ellie said softly. Paige looked up startled. Her two roommates had sympathetic looks on their faces.

"Thanks, hun," Paige sighed, mustering up a really lame attempt at a smile. She took one of the sodas out and shut the fridge carefully, glancing back at her room, then up at her friends. She couldn't decide if she wanted to be alone or not. She wasn't sure if alone was perfect or terrifying.

"You okay?" Marco asked gently, making the choice for her.

"I guess," Paige lied, tapping her nails nervously against the top of the can. Marco got up slowly and handed Paige her coat.

"C'mon," he gave her a soft smile. "Let's do this out front." Paige knew what that meant, and she was dying for a cigarette.

"Oh, thank god we can all stop hiding it," Ellie brightened and got her coat as well. Paige and Marco glanced at her with confused looks. She took a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. "What? Give me a break, you two," she rolled her eyes. "Like you had no idea." She gave them that oh-so-Ellie look she had.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Marco asked softly. They'd been sitting quietly watching late morning traffic stroll by. The sky was appropriately gray that morning. It was cold. The air felt tight.

"I wouldn't know what to say," Paige exhaled her smoke slowly. It looked like breathing alone was taking her a lot of effort that morning. She thought she was confused before. Now she was just plain clueless. Marco and Ellie took quiet drags from their butts and both made a point not to look at her. She didn't blame them. If they made eye contact, someone would be obligated to say something.

But what the hell was there to say?

"I just…" Paige tried. She caught herself. "It's just that…" she tried again, laboring over her thoughts. Her head was cocked to the side and her eyes looked far away. "She… and like, I mean I…we…" she was trying to force something. It wasn't working. She didn't know. "Fuck this. I don't even know. I just. Don't. Know. I mean, what the hell?" Paige said, her voice hitching on the curse. Her eyes welled up again. She wanted to cry but felt selfish doing so.

"Maybe you should call her," Ellie spoke up. They both turned and glared at her. She shrugged behind her cigarette. "Just a thought."

As mad as Ellie still wanted to be at Paige about that hot minute she dated Jesse, she wasn't. She did feel bad for Paige. Ellie had always known Alex pretty well, spent some really genuine time with the girl a few years back when Sean left. Ellie knew the real Alex and in some intimidated backwards way, admired her. Ellie also felt eternally grateful to Paige. She was livid at the time, but her overly-perky-sort-of-friend-person had been the catalyst to Ellie putting her life back together. In her later years at Degrassi Ellie had watched from the side lines as Paige accepted her real feelings for Alex. And the fact that Paige had the guts to publicly act on them had always been one of Ellie's favorite things about Paige. It was unexpected and not acceptable and really just so awesomely true. It had all changed Ellie's mind about Paige's rock hard exterior forever, whether she was willing to say so out loud or not.

"And what would I say?" Paige scoffed. "Sorry that when I came to tell you that I'm still in love with you, you were busy getting naked?"

"Well, you might want to write a rough draft and work out the kinks," Ellie glanced away, ignoring Paige's casual use of the word 'love'. "You're going to have to talk to her sooner or later," Ellie said with a bit more sincerity in her voice this time. "If you try to avoid this, you'll go crazy and eventually explode, and we all know you hate that sort of behavior."

Paige just rolled her eyes.

"Until you hear her out and let her honestly talk to you, I don't know how anything is going to like… happen," Marco squinted as he tried to phrase his words right. "But you have to WANT to hear what she has to say. And actually listen. Even if you might not want to."

"Thanks," Paige said flatly, squishing her cigarette out on the front step. Now she just felt worse. Heavy and sick with too much to think about. "I'll get right on that," she said over her shoulder as she slammed the door behind her. They could hear her crying on the other side.

"Oh, this is not going to be good," Marco pinched the bridge of his nose.

"No," Ellie agreed with a sharp drag of her smoke. "No it isn't."

-------------------

Alex could hear them whispering in the kitchen. Jay's apartment wasn't all that big.

"She did what?!" Jay hissed. Alex told Mel what happened. Mel got up early to check on her. Alex was awake and they talked.

"Jay!" Mel's voice was sharp, but a whisper all the same. "Not now!" Mel had hurried out to the coffee shop on the corner for bagels. Alex forced out the treachery of the night before over breakfast. They let Jay sleep. He needed it.

"So he's in that apartment? Now? That is IT. I don't want either of you leaving this place without me, you got that?" Jay snapped. It was stern and somehow endearing, but very unrealistic.

"She doesn't need that kind of shit from you right now! Instead of macho pig head Jay, she needs the real side of you that she treats like a brother!" Mel poked him in the chest, speaking through gritted teeth and trying very hard to keep her voice down.

She got the two of them. Really well.

"I can hear you guys!" Alex called out, trying to save both of them from the tension they were building amongst themselves. Both of them glanced up at her form the kitchen, guilty parental looks on their young faces.

"Sorry Alex," Jay scowled, his face melting into a guilty smile.

Alex liked how they looked. Jay in his pajamas, his hair unruly. He was flailing his arms around, making his mad and tired face while Mel gave him the sordid details. Mel was bundled up with one of Jay's big sweatshirts over her own. She was wearing pink slippers. The feminine touch of Mel's things strewn all over the apartment were visible in the morning light. There were four pairs of tall Zanzibar heels next to the Xbox on the floor in front of the TV. Jay suddenly had actual dishes. There was an array of Mel's hair products in the bathroom. She looked soft in the morning without her make up on, in her pajamas in THEIR apartment. Alex almost smiled in spite of it all.

Mel was digging through the freezer looking for something for Alex's eye. The best she could come up with was half of a bottle of cheap vodka. She shoved it into Jay's hand and nodded her head at Alex.

"Babe, it's ten o'clock in the morning," he whispered. She whacked him in the arm and pointed to her eye. Jay got it. "Oh!" he shuffled over to the couch and offered it to Alex. "Sorry. It's all we have."

"Does the job," Alex shrugged and set the bottle against her eye, sucking in a sharp gasp at the gentlest touch.

"Look, Alex," Jay started dropping a delicate hand on her leg and giving it a squeeze. He wanted to launch into a fit about Chad, tell Alex she was never going back there. Tell her he was going to kill him. Make everything magically fine by being a man. But he knew it wasn't going to help. Instead, he pursed his lips into a smile. "You can stay here as long as you want. I don't want you to worry about any of that." Alex could tell how hard he was trying and it softened her. He could see half a smile under the bottle.

"Thanks," she put her hand on top of his.


	16. Book of matches

"Good morning, Mr. Brooks," Mr. Armstrong sighed. Jimmy was the first one into the classroom. He was usually early.

"Hey, Mr. Armstrong," Jimmy sighed back with the same disdain. Armstrong couldn't help but notice how worn down his former star looked.

"Everything alright? Monday morning pre-test blues?" Armstrong tried, hoping to take his own mind off of Alex Nunez's empty desk beside Jimmy. He still wasn't sure how he was going to look at that girl for the length of the class. Or ever again. At just the thought of her name all he could see were the dim lights, smoke filled air and her legs-

They hadn't covered what to do in this situation in any of his university classes.

"Had kind of a long weekend," Jimmy shrugged. He took out a pen and his calculator and waited for the inevitable.

"I know what you mean," Armstrong raised a brow as he set his leather messenger bag on the desk. "Not cause you spent the whole thing studying or worrying about this test, I hope," he tacked on, smiling his coach smile. The one that said 'way to go, Tiger!' no matter the situation and although it felt good, it was totally fake.

"Nah," Jimmy cracked a smile. "Alex actually studied with me on Saturday. I'm feeling great about the test, it's just… you know? Never mind. It'll be fine. It's kind of personal," Jimmy shrugged again.

"No problem, Jim. If you do need someone to talk to, you know I don't mind. Anytime," Armstrong smiled more sincerely. He'd listened to Jimmy a lot since the shooting. Sometimes about basketball. Sometimes about girls or school. Sometimes about Jimmy's dad that he couldn't have those sorts of conversations with.

"It's complicated," Jimmy wrung his left hand through the fingers of his right. "I have this friend," Jimmy started. He and Armstrong both looked up as the door opened. Alex walked in.

She had braced herself for the unavoidable looks. Jay offered to giver her a ride early so she wouldn't have to walk the gauntlet of a full gawking hallway. He claimed he needed to be at work early anyway, but she knew he was lying. She loved him for it. The look of true concern on Jimmy's face made her slow down a step. She'd been too worked up with freaking out over the fact that he saw her at her incriminating job to remember he'd be shocked by how many colors her eye was. She wasn't even trying to hide it. Trying to cover it up would make her look like she was ashamed.

She wasn't. Not about the black eye, anyway.

"Good morning, Sir," she nodded at Mr. Armstrong who was having a hard time looking at her and an even harder time looking away. Alex winced as she sat in her desk. Her whole body ached. With the recentl relief of finally running off, she felt the weight of the past decade of aches.

"Um, good morning, Miss Nunez," Armstrong swallowed hard. There was no way she could possibly know he saw her there. He was in the back, it was dark. Her new occupation could have something to do with the sophisticated, obnoxiously attractive in an too young for him way that she dressed nowadays. She was nineteen, after all. Although he had heard through the rumor mill and faculty that she spent a lot of time dating the Michaelchuck girl, that could be it…WHAT was he saying?! He hoped that his frustrated and flustered behavior could be justified by that raging shiner the poor kid was sporting.

Neither Alex nor Jimmy spoke. Armstrong cleared his throat and busied himself with digging through the bag on his desk for their tests. The ticking of the clock was thunderous as the three of them refused to talk. Armstrong felt even more confused. Jimmy had just told him that he spent the day with Alex that weekend. Now they wouldn't even halfway glance at one another. Finally, more students filtered in, laughing and exchanging tales of the weekend and expressing nerves of the impending exam. Alex got up to sharpen her pencil, ignoring all of the hushed whispers and looks cast her way. The closer she got to Armstrong's desk, the more flustered he got. He tried to cover a fake cough so he didn't have to look at her and his bag fell from his lap to the floor, spilling most of it.

"Here," Alex crouched to help.

"No, Alex, please. It's okay," he stuttered on her name. Did she know? She had to know.

"It's fine. I'm already helping," she said with a nervous laugh, picking up his day planner and his wallet. A book of matches tumbled out of the calendar.

It was from Zanzibar.

"Holy. Shit." Alex swallowed. He was thinking too much of the same thing to reprimand her for swearing in the classroom. Her mouth was suddenly dry.

"Alex, it's not what you think. I'm not that kind of guy," he tried. It wasn't helping. Fuck. She knew. "Not that there's anything wrong with…those girls. It's just-"

"It's fine," she said, her voice distant as she set his things own on his desk.

"That's not what I meant. I think that girls, I mean women, that get, well, that do that for work, they're fine! I mean, I was just there for a friend's bachelor party. I don't go there on my own time, I was…" he kept his voice low. The room was full now and no one was looking at them.

No one but Jimmy.

"A bachelor party?!" Alex gasped. Friday night. The guys in the back The generous tips. "Oh god. Oh shit." Her chest felt tight. She took her seat again, too numb from shock to feel the pain in her sides.

"You okay?" Jimmy asked weekly. They still refused to look at one another. Alex didn't respond. She wanted to. His asking felt so good. She wanted to love that he cared. She wanted to tell him NO. She wanted to. Instead, she just slapped the book of matches down on Jimmy's desk. It took his mind a moment to put the pieces together. Holy shit. He looked up at Armstrong. Their teacher and almost friend was rubbing his eyes in that universal way like he wanted to be anywhere else.

--------------------------

"Alex!" Danielle Hatsilakos shouted down the hall. Alex had just hauled right past the office doors and was headed for the front entrance halfway through first period. The principal had also heard the gossip about how badly beaten Alex looked buzzing through the rest of the faculty.

"What!" Alex tossed over her shoulder without turning around. She didn't stop walking.

"Alex!" Hatsilakos tried again. "Alex, wait!" She was almost at a jog to catch her, her heels clacking too loudly in the empty hallway. "Miss Nunez!" Hatsilakos snapped.

"Yes?" Alex stopped short and whirled around. Miss Hatsilakos came to a quick halt, almost crashing into Alex. Her jaw fell. Alex's glaring black eye and horrified look on her face almost knocked Danielle right over.

"Oh my goodness," Miss Hatsilakos let out involuntarily.

"Yeah. I know," Alex rolled her eyes. It hurt. Her voice was choked. "I finished my calc test and I don't have to be in my science class until noon, so if you don't mind, I'm leaving," Alex said quickly through gritted teeth, trying to step around the principal.

"Well, of course, I mean," Hatsilakos babbled. "Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk to-"

"No, I do not want to talk to Miss Suave, or your pal Archie Simpson or anyone. I just want to get the hell out of here," Alex replied and pushed past Miss Hatsilakos, uninterested in whether or not she thought it was okay.


	17. Get dressed and go home

Marco had to admit he was impressed that Paige had shown up to open the store that day. It was also Spinner's day off, so she was going to be there all night. Marco and Ellie traded off dropping in during the day between classes. Paige wasn't speaking to anyone. She wasn't even trying to pretend she was busy. She sat at the table in the back staring at nothing. She spoke minimally to customers, offered up a fake retail smile, then resumed her sulking. She brightened a bit when Ellie showed up with a latte and a muffin, but that was it. She stepped out the back door every so often for cigarette breaks, and what Marco assumed were sob breaks, and otherwise kept to herself.

She was keeping to herself because she couldn't figure out what to do with herself. She didn't know what to do, had no idea what to say and a really vague idea of how to feel.

Shitty.

"Marco!" Jimmy came flying in. He was out of breath. Marco, Paige and Ellie all looked up from their solitary acts. No one was expecting Jimmy today.

"Hey, Jimmy," Marco almost asked. "What's up?"

"I need to talk to you," Jimmy said, catching his breath and flicking his eyes up at Paige.

"Okay. Shoot," Marco put down his books.

"This isn't going to work. I need to talk to you in my office," Jimmy was looking around, trying to figure out how to do this without Paige.

"You don't have an office, Jim," Marco reminded him, wondering if Jimmy had finally gone nuts with stress.

"Right," Jimmy thought for a second. "Paige?" she looked up. "Round of coffees for the staff. On me. Do you mind?" Jimmy asked, opening his wallet and tossing his credit card towards the table she was sitting at.

"We're all sufficiently caffeinated, James," Paige nodded at the three lukewarm lattes that were almost finished in the table.

"Fine. Pizza. Dinner. I don't care. Get whatever you want," Jimmy grinned.

"If you need me to leave, you can just say so," Paige gave him a dirty look as she slipped her coat on.

"No, no. You work too hard. And come on! It's the holidays! Christmas is right around the corner! I'm treating you guys as your slave driving bossman. Get something delicious before I change my mind," Jimmy grinned at her.

"Why Ebenezer Brooks, you're too kind," Paige rolled her eyes and tucked his Visa card in her pocket as she stepped out the door. Jimmy smiled back. As soon as the door closed behind her, the fake grin fell from his face.

"Alright, you two. Have either of you spoken to Alex since the other night?" Jimmy looked sternly at both of them.

"Um, no?" Marco scoffed. "You're forgetting the small detail that we work and LIVE with Paige, Buddy."

"Yes, I know that, Dipshit. But you haven't talked to her?" Jimmy asked sternly. Marco shook his head. "Nash?" Jimmy asked, turning the look on Ellie.

"What's going on?" she asked, concern growing quickly.

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

"I haven't heard from her in a while," Ellie replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Does Spin still talk to Jay?" Jimmy scratched his chin in thought.

"Okay, WHAT is going on that you'd go so far as to get that guy involved?" Marco snapped.

"Alex showed up at school today with a black eye and what I suspect is more by the way she was carrying her body and I wanted to know if either of you had an idea of who was possibly kicking the crap out of her," Jimmy said quickly, his voice hushed. He wasn't sure why, but it felt appropriate to be quiet.

"WHAT?" Marco and Ellie's faces dropped.

"And given the weekend's turn of events, of which I am sure you have filled Ellie in, I was just kind of concerned," Jimmy said slowly.

"This is awful," Marco rubbed his hands over his face.

"She didn't say much this morning," Jimmy sighed.

"So, what? Do we call her? Do we call Jay? What are we going to say to Paige?" Ellie yelped.

"Hey, Jimmy, I should have asked this before I left," Paige burst back in. "Is this a credit or debit card? And is this Squatch's card, or is it your…" she paused when she caught all of their gloomy sickly faces. "Personal account?" Paige finished slowly. All three of them looked back up at her with pained faces. "Alright. Now I know you're talking about me. So why don't you just do it to my face, because whatever it is, it can't be any worse than I already feel," Paige half joked.

----------------

"Alex, WHAT are you doing here?" Mel hissed. It was shortly after dinner time and Alex was timing in at work. She looked even more ragged than the night before.

"I work here," Alex said flatly.

"Lex, really!" Mel snapped, abandoning the limes she was slicing up. "You're out of there! You don't have to keep doing this!" Mel was chasing behind Alex.

"I still have to EAT, Mel. And buy bus passes and clothes and oh yeah! I'm not going to sleep on you and Jay's couch for the rest of my life!" Alex snapped, barging into the dressing room. The other girls pretended not to notice Mel and Alex bickering.

"Well, you can sleep there for NOW and get yourself a job that doesn't involve-" Mel caught herself and glanced around at the other girls. "Such late hours. Since you're in school," Mel tried to cover it up, clearing her throat awkwardly.

"Maybe this totally sucks, but it's going to get me on my feet and then some in a very short time," Alex snapped. She was rummaging through the drawer at her mirror. The other dancers were starting to watch with less discretion.

"I realize that, but maybe you can have your old job back at the bar. I need help over there anyway. Vlad will be cool, you can just-"

"I can't 'just' anything, Mel. I'm fucked. FUCKED!" Alex snapped, hanging her sweatshirt up violently. "I am very grateful that you and Jay are letting me stay with you. More than you know," Alex huffed, still bent over looking for things. She was running late. "But I need this." She yanked her shirt off and reached for one of her sparklier numbers. Everyone in the room gasped. Including Mel. "What?" Alex muttered, uncapping her concealer. She started dabbing it on her eye. When she looked up in the mirror, she caught them all looking back at her in the reflection.

"Alex," Mel said sternly. "Stop it."

The bruises. Her body. She almost forgot.

"Oh fuck," Alex looked down. She was standing in her low slung jeans and a bra, all of her marks exposed. Her whole side, her arms, the black eye. There was no way she had enough cover up for this. "Hey! Is Francesca here tonight? What about Dominique? I need someone with a tan! I'll replace the foundations tomorrow, but I need to cover this shit up!" Alex turned to the wall of dancers that was gawking at her. None of them moved. Francesca and Dominique just shook their heads. "Come on! With interest! Lipsticks too, whatever you want, I need some help with this!" Alex's voice was getting tight as she watched the other women trace their eyes over her body.

They all saw each other naked every night. None of them cared. It was their work uniform. Some of them even knew she was gay and still didn't think twice as they trotted past in nothing. They never really noticed one another's skin anymore. The way they were all looking at her suddenly made Alex feel way more exposed than she ever had in that building.

"Honey?" Dominique spoke up. "You need help with more than make up." The Latina looked Alex up and down.

"She can't go out there like that," Renee, one of the veteran dancers and unspoken leader of the girls spat out.

"What?! I have to!" Alex cried.

"Lexi," Mel tried again.

"No way," Renee shook her head.

"Come on! You can't just do that to me!" Alex snapped.

"Babe, we may be exotic dancers, but we have a reputation to uphold," another jumped in. "We can't have damaged goods on stage."

"I can't believe this!" Alex shouted.

"Look, Kid," Renee tried again. "We've all been there." Rene actually stepped forward. She was being sincere. "We've all had that boyfriend that just doesn't get it that takes us off the stage for a few-"

"It wasn't my boyfriend. I don't HAVE a boyfriend. It was my-"

"Okay. Whatever you want to call him, it's cool. Twenty bucks from each of us tonight. There's a corporate sleaze party. We're all guaranteed to rake. Go home," Renee picked Alex's top up off the back of her chair and handed it back to her.

"What?" Alex gasped.

"Look, I know it's peanuts, but it's better than nothing. Vlad's not going to let you dance looking like that with high rollers like this coming in. Get dressed and go home," Renee pushed Alex's shirt into her hands. Alex glared back, her jaw slack. She shrugged back into her shirt as they all turned back to primping slowly. She heard a few of them making snide remarks about Alex going home to Mel's boyfriend, and a few of the more sincere girls telling them to shut up.

"Jay's working late tonight. You can go home and have it to yourself. Or you can go see him at the garage," Mel shrugged.

"Thanks a lot," Alex snapped, pulling her sweatshirt on. She stormed out.

"Thanks, girls," Mel smiled at them.

"Hey, she needs it. I wasn't being nice when I said we've all been there."

------------------------

"Look, Paige, I don't really know how to tell you this," Jimmy started quietly. They were sitting at the back table talking quietly while Marco and Ellie struggled with putting Christmas decorations in the front window.

"Are you firing me?" Paige looked alarmed.

"What?! No! Absolutely not!" Jimmy almost laughed.

"Oh thank god," Paige sighed.

"It's about Alex," Jimmy said carefully, trying to gauge Paige's reaction. Her features twitched for just a minute.

"What about Alex?" Paige asked, trying not to be cold, and at the same time not to be eager.

"Have you talked to her?" Jimmy asked awkwardly. Paige just glared at him. "Right. No. Right. Well, I talk to her. Daily. And I'm pretty worried and thought you might be able to help me out."

"Is she alright?" Paige asked carefully. She swallowed hard. It hurt so badly to know that someone else was seeing her every day and someone else knew more than she did. Someone else worried more than she did. Someone else got to hear her voice every day.

"I don't know. She showed up this morning all beat up-"

"WHAT!" Paige gasped, a hand over her mouth. Her stomach dropped.

"Yeah," Jimmy lowered his voice. "Black eye. One of her wrists. She had a t shirt on, I could see her arm was kind of worked and I suspect worse by the way she was moving. I just wanted to know if you knew something. It's pretty clear that marks like those weren't an accident."

Paige didn't say anything. Her eyes instantly welled up.

"She doesn't talk to me. I mean, no. We don't talk anymore, I just… no, I don't know," Paige squeaked out. It was starting. The crying was back. And to think she'd made it a whole hour and a half since her last bout.

"Hey, come on," Jimmy put a reassuring hand on Paige's arm.

"I'm sorry," Paige blushed, trying to look away. Jimmy smiled warmly at her. He knew how badly she was hurting. He didn't really know how to tell her he got it, or how to tell her she could talk to him if she wanted. He knew she wouldn't want to, and he didn't want to have to do it either, but he didn't like seeing her like this as an alternative.

"No, come on, no need to be sorry," Jimmy moved around to her side of the table and got next to her. "I get it. It's cool," he smiled awkwardly at her. He moved to give her a hug, but she stood up and pulled her coat on.

"I have to go. Can you stay here? Lock up, whatever, I don't care," Paige was starting to get worse. "I gotta go," she got out as she buttoned her coat and pushed through the store. Marco and Ellie both turned to see what was going on. Jimmy looked defeated and sad all at once.

"Paige?" Marco called after her.

"I have to go home," Paige sobbed before the door to the shop fell shut behind her.


	18. Friends

"Yo, Hogart!" one of the guys shouted to him. Jay was elbow deep in a Mercedes in his third hour of overtime. It needed to get done and the money was sweet, so as long as the stereo was up loud and nobody bugged him, he didn't mind being there.

"Yeah, what?" Jay called without looking up.

"Your girlfriend's here!" he called to Jay in a sing song voice. Jay dropped his wrench as he looked up in surprise. Mel NEVER came to the garage. And she was supposed to be at work right now. "You busy or should we send her in?"

"Yeah, of course, tell her to come in!" Jay shouted back. He straightened his cap and wiped some of the sweat off his forehead. He couldn't hide the surprise on his face when a bawling Alex came through the door and not his sunny-faced Mel. "Lex?" Jay got out before she fell against him. He stood in surprise for a few beats before he wrapped an arm around her carefully.

"I am so fucking sick of crying, Jay! I'm sick of it!" Alex shouted through sobs. A few of the guys out front were in the doorway making filthy gestures and oh-yeah faces. Jay rolled his eyes.

"She's not my girlfriend!" he barked back at them. "Shut the door, assholes!" They all gave a few hoots before giving him the respect of closing the door.

"They made me leave!" she hiccupped.

"What? Who made you leave where?" Jay glanced around trying to figure out if she was talking about her mother again or not.

"Fucking Zanzibar! Mel, the dancers! They wouldn't let me dance tonight because I'm covered in his fucking bruises!" Alex weakly hit a fist against Jay's chest. "He's STILL," pound. "HOLDING," hit. "ME," hit. "DOWN!" Alex wound up to drive another frustrated fist into Jay's accepting shoulder, but broke down too much to follow through. Jay could only remember seeing her like this once or twice in his life. They were much younger the last time. It was way worse as adults.

"Lexi, Lexi, Lexi," he muttered, bringing his other hand around to hug her better.

"And my fucking math teacher! Remember the bachelor party I told you about?! ARMSTRONG was one of them! My math teacher watched me strip in front of hundreds of people! He KNOWS, Jay! He fucking KNOWS!"

"HOW did you find THAT out?!" Jay yelped.

"I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to fucking think about it! URGH!" Alex gritted her teeth so hard it hurt.

"Holy shit," Jay shook his head. How much more could this girl possibly take?

"What the fuck am I gonna do, Jay?" she coughed. He didn't have an answer.

"What do you want to do?" Jay asked carefully.

"Stop crying. Stop feeling dead and miserable," she whimpered.

"I know, Babe," Jay pulled her back and held her at arms length. She looked awful. He winced. She looked a little bit like she used to when she was twelve when she was upset. Jay didn't even see Alex crack a smile the first few years he knew her.

"I just…" she whispered through the tears. "I just want to see her so bad," Alex barely managed to finish before her face scrunched up with more uncontrollable crying.

"Jesus Christ," Jay sighed, pulling Alex back in. She let all of her weight fall into him. "Okay. Come on. Let's go home."

------------------

"Listen up, Preppies. I come in peace," Jay announced as he barged into Squatch Wear. Marco and Ellie were still tripping all over themselves and unraveled garland in the front windows. Jimmy was drawing at the back table. All three of them looked alarmed. "Is the Queen in?" Jay asked, pointing his fingers at the back door.

"Paige went home," Jimmy spoke up. "You looking for her?"

"Not even kind of," Jay sighed with relief. He had tucked Alex into he and Mel's bed after picking up some dinner at the market on the corner for her. He told her to get some rest and he would be back after he ran a few errands. She was asleep before he was out of the room.

"Then what are you doing here?" Jimmy asked carefully. He found it kind of strange that Jay was standing in the middle of his store only days after their entire circle came together and blew up all at once.

"I thought I'd pick up some fresh threads, James," Jay joked, picking up a purple t shirt from the closest table. "I need to talk to you." Jay chucked it back down and stood up a little straighter.

"Talk away," Jimmy pointed coldly to one of the chairs at the table. "Have a seat, Man."

"Look," Jay began. "I know that for a lot of reasons you don't give a shit about what happens to me. As you shouldn't," Jay started. Jimmy's lip twitched a bit. Marco and Ellie stopped with their decorating and were listening in shock.

"You're right," Jimmy nodded.

"But I know that you're good friends with my best friend. And my best friend got hurt really badly by one of your best friends," Jay said diplomatically. "And although it goes against absolutely everything I stand for," he took a deep, labored breath. "I think I need to help my friend and your friend be friends again before both of them drive every person in this city fucking crazy." Jimmy smiled. He wasn't comfortable enough with Jay to let out a laugh.

"I think his friend wants to be more than friends with your friend," Marco piped up.

"WAY more," Ellie nodded.

"Okay, that's great, and when this is all over, remind me that we should all get together and hold hands and skip through daisies," Jay rolled his eyes at them. They made faces at his back when he turned away.

"I don't know what you need me for," Jimmy shrugged.

"Somebody has to talk some sense into Princess Michaelchuck," Jay replied flatly.

"We've tried," Marco scoffed.

"Alex is really in the shitter, Man. We're all going to need Paige to step up to the plate if any one of us wants to go on living our normal lives," Jay kept on, ignoring Marco.

"Who beat her up?" Jimmy asked boldly. Jay's face faltered a bit.

"Why is that any of your business, Brooks?" Jay stayed solid.

"She's my friend. I see her every day at school, and today when I saw her she looked like she was on the wrong end of a pretty rough fight," Jimmy crossed his arms over his chest. "And my friend is really worried about your friend, and if I'm going to tell my friend that she needs to be a friend to your friend, I'd like to know what she's getting into," Jimmy replied. Jay didn't respond at first. He looked down at his hands, trying to decide if these kids could be trusted.

"It's really bad. I'm pretty sure that's all you need to know," Jay said quietly.

"The door's behind you. I'm pretty sure that's all you need to know," Jimmy nodded his head towards the front of the shop.

"Alright, alright, shit," Jay hissed. "Do you people always get everything you want?" He huffed. "Just…do me a favor and don't go spreading this around, alright? I'm worried about her," Jay said sincerely before giving Jimmy the gritty details.

----------------------

Paige was lying on top of her bed spread still fully clothed. She still had her coat on and one hand still clutched her handbag. She'd stopped crying, but only because she felt like she had no tears left. She wanted to cry more, but it just wouldn't happen.

Who the hell was she going to turn to? How was she even going to begin to figure out what to say or what to do? Ellie was probably right about the obvious, and she probably should just go straight to Alex, but she was pretty sure that Alex wouldn't want her even if she did call. Alex wouldn't pick up. Alex wouldn't tell her shit. Alex was too busy living in a world Paige knew nothing about.

There would be no magic rescue with a platinum Visa and clean sheets. Paige's designer clad arms weren't going to be the safe ones Alex needed. It was hitting her all too hard that she was not enough for Alex. Paige couldn't help. Paige couldn't provide a pink satin refuge from a life of pain like she could when they were in high school. Everything was too real now. All of the stakes were too high now. They were adults now.

That was probably why the pain was so much worse.

"Paige?" Jimmy was yelling from the living room. She sat up slowly and wiped her eyes.

"Yeah?" she called back, clearing her throat and desperately trying to cover up the fact that she was still crying. She wasn't sure why she bothered. They all knew she was doing it.

"Can I talk to you?" Jimmy asked loudly. It sounded like he was in the kitchen, getting closer to her door. There were footsteps with him, but he was the only one talking.

"Sure," Paige sighed, pulling her coat off and trying to look less obvious.

"Jay stopped by the shop," Jimmy said a little more quietly. He was just outside her doors. Paige didn't respond right away. He could hear her moving around inside. Without words, Paige pulled her double doors open. The look on her face was more serious than anything Jimmy had ever seen. "I think maybe you ought to hear some of this," Jimmy said solemnly. He was flanked with Marco and Ellie on either side, both looking sad or sick or both.

"What's going on," Paige's face morphed quickly into concern. She stood back and let them come in. Marco and Ellie sat on either side of Paige on her bed with her.

"Chad did it," Marco spoke up first.

"Did what? That bastard's in jail, what did he-"

"Her mom bailed him out," Jimmy carried on for Marco. "Seems Alex and Emily are in more trouble than any of us knew about, including Jay, and you, both of which I find odd," Jimmy said slowly.

"If you're accusing me of being insincere or hiding anything from-"

"I'm not," Jimmy held his hands up to calm Paige down. "But Alex took the job on stage to save her and her mother. They were gonna get evicted, Paige. They'd be back out on the streets. And right before Christmas? Not that I'm condoning it, but that is some ballsy brave shit that girl did," Jimmy exhaled heavily. "Her mother turned around and took the money Alex made and used it to bail her boyfriend out rather than pay the bills," Jimmy looked away. He couldn't watch the look wash into Paige's eyes.

"She's okay," Ellie answered the unspoken question. Paige grabbed Ellie's hand that was sitting close to her on the bed. She didn't know what else to do. It felt logical and it was reassuring. "She's staying with Jay and Mel at their place. She still showed up for school today, she's doing okay," Ellie kept on. Her voice was steady and stable. "Jay wanted you to know that."

"Can we please just not talk about this anymore?" Paige squeaked. Suddenly she had more tears.

"Paige, she really-"

"STOP," Paige said firmly. She let go of Ellie's hand and moved past Marco to lay back down. "I don't want to hear any more. I can't," she laid down with her back to them.

"Are you going to be-"

"I'm fine, Marco!" Paige snapped. She sniffled and pulled a pillow over her face.

"We'll be in the living room if you change your mind," He said quietly before bending down and kissing Paige's hair.


	19. Hiding her voice

Nobody felt right and it went on for days.

Jimmy was doing everything he could, but he wasn't really as close to Paige or Alex as a lot of their other friends. He was the only person that saw them both daily and cared enough about both of them to see how badly it was ruining both of their lives. Exams and classes were wrapping up for holiday break quicker than any of them realized. Alex's black eye went from purple to red to green and yellow and was almost gone now and she still hadn't spoken a word to Jimmy. He tried a few times. She gave him half nods and half shrugs, but never opened her mouth. Armstrong couldn't and wouldn't look at her and by the way Simpson was giving her his I'm-so-sorry-for-you eyes, she was starting to suspect that Armstrong had spread the word.

Alex, after begging and pleading and healing, was allowed back on stage after about a week or so. With Christmas around the corner, weekend nights were even more full of young men back in town. There we some guys she recognized from her years at Degrassi but prayed to god she'd had enough of a make over for them not to recognize her. So far so good. She was getting popular there and was struggling with how to handle that. A lot of the guys addressed her only as Lexstacy, but still bought her drinks and tried to put their hands on her. She was having a hard time finding the line between professional flirting and a real live problem.

Mel and Jay warmly welcomed Alex to stay through the holidays. Neither of them had Christmas plans with family, and Alex was fresh out of family, so she accepted the invite with minimal discomfort and embarrassment. The money in her pockets was buying new and warm clothes, she was putting food in Mel and Jay's fridge, and could help out with the bills until she found somewhere more permanent to live. Although they urged her to stay as long as needed, she felt like a visitor, felt babied, and felt very much a burden.

And had never felt more alone in her life.

She went through the motions at work, she was done with school for the semester and otherwise spent her time trying to do anything possible to keep her mind off of Paige. It was impossible. Every girl she passed somehow looked like Paige, everyone was carrying a coffee like Paige, every car on the corner was the same as Paige's, every cigarette she lit she missed her. Mel made it clear that the job behind the bar was on the table. She felt that the dancing wasn't helping Alex's already fragile psyche. Alex continued to decline, claiming that the money was just too good to turn down.

Mel would frequently spend her breaks chain smoking in the alley and bitching to Jay on her cell that she couldn't believe Alex was still stripping. He would agree with her, and they would both agree that there was nothing either of them could do about it. She was their friend, stripper or not, and the only thing they could do was be there for her. Mel would come back inside feeling guilty and spend half her shift out back making sure Alex wasn't finally breaking down. She'd make her a drink, giver her shoulders a few affectionate squeezes and even sometimes do Alex's hair for her.

Jay was finding excuses to bump into Spinner. After he'd hear the run down from Mel, he'd nonchalantly breeze through The Dot hoping Spin was still picking up shifts. They were civil again, and it was a good way to get information in passing about Paige.

Who was anything but herself.

Marco and Ellie spent all their spare time walking on egg shells around their apartment. Paige's door was always closed. She got up in the morning, she went to work all day, spent most of the day sitting at one of the tables doing the books, took every excuse to leave the store possible in order to smoke cigarettes, and came home at night and went straight to her room and shut the doors. She wore the same ripped pair of jeans, a handful of Squatch shirts that could have very well been the same one, or maybe she had a few, no one really knew, and she stopped putting on a full face of make up and just jerked her hair back into a pony tail. She didn't talk to anyone. She exchanged morning pleasantries, asked business related questions, reminded whoever was going out for coffee that she liked her latte with skim and no foam, and spent the rest of her breath on crying in the supply room.

"Paige?" Jimmy shouted from the front of the store.

"Yeah?" she sighed. She was sifting through order forms and invoices and had asked not to be bothered.

"Your mother's on the phone," Jimmy said lowly. Crap. She'd been ignoring all of her mother's calls to her cell.

"Tell her I can't talk right now. I need to get to the bank by five and I'm way behind," Paige lied.

"She says she doesn't care if the store is on fire, she wants to talk to you," Jimmy held the cordless phone out to his manager. "Now," he tacked on. Paige took a deep breath and took the phone from him.

"Hi, Mom," She said in her breathy, fake voice.

"Paige? Is everything alright? You've been ignoring my calls!" her voice rattled through the receiver in that worried mom tone.

"I have not! I've just been really busy. Work is crazy, we're pulling long hours. It's Christmas and it's retail! By the time I remember to call you it's just really late," Paige tried to slip past her mother.

"Paigey, I can't have you over doing it. I know how the stress got you at Banting-"

"Mom, I'm not over doing it. I love it. I'm just really busy right now," Paige snapped. Jimmy winced, not meaning to eaves drop, but was too close not to.

"Okay, alright, you don't have to get short with me!"

"I'm not getting short with you, I'm sorry, I'm just stretched a little thin," Paige continued to lie.

"You just don't sound like yourself, Honey, and it's worrying me and your father."

"Mom, I'm FINE. Tell Dad I'm fine, everything is FINE," Paige was trying so hard not to cry. She couldn't. It was why she was hiding her voice from her mother in the first place.

"Okay, Paige. Your brother is getting in late Christmas Eve, I just want to know what your plans are."

"I'll let you know when Jimmy decides on the Christmas Eve hours, I just, I don't know right now. I gotta go, I need to get this done, I'll call you later," Paige was trying not to get flustered. Jimmy sighed as he watched her get rid of the conversation in a harried huff.

"You know, if you need holiday time off, you can just ask me," he smirked. She rolled her eyes. It was playful. It was reassuring to see that old touch of her back.

"Please. I want to be here as much as possible. I need the tedium to keep my mind busy," Paige was scribbling in the margins of the order book. "I've been a robot on purpose the past few weeks. It keeps my mind from winding up in places I don't need it to be."

"Alright," Jimmy shrugged. "Just let me know what you need," he smiled.

"Will do. The Michaelchuck Christmas is going to be heavily focused on my big brother's return from Switzerland and the other cheek will hopefully be turned to Princess Paigey's recent lapses in judgment," Paige tried to add a smile to her sarcasm, but it was too true to get all the way there.

-----------------------

"Hey, Sexy, let me buy you a drink!" a tall and broad guy in a U of T ball cap slurred at Alex. She was done for the night and was waiting for Mel to finish up so they could take the bus home together. Alex was in a pair of jeans and a tank top standing at the bar with a draft beer and a scowl. She was blowing through her pack of cigarettes trying not to get sad as she realized that Stacy, another one of the new shot girls, had the exact same teeth as Paige. And Paige would so wear those earrings. Stacy wasn't as smart as Paige, or as funny, or as pretty, but in this light she looked too much like Paige to be spoken to.

"That's okay, I already have one," she shouted over the music and pointed at her beer.

"Come on, let me get you one!" he stumbled a little and fell against her. His buddies were egging him on. He was sweaty and smelled like cologne and man and it all made her stomach lurch.

"No, really, I'm good," Alex tried again.

"So you're the famous Lexstacy, right?" his pal in a fraternity sweatshirt got too close. They wreaked of cigarettes, stale pot and draft beer.

"Famous is a big word," Alex raised a brow as she took a drag. It was a big word and she didn't like it. Not in front of that name.

"What'll it be, boys?" Mel asked, leaning her hands on the bar in front of them.

"We need another round, Cutie. And whatever Lexstacy wants!" U of T shouted.

"Lexstacy is all set," Alex said to Mel, shouting over the noise.

"What's your problem?" He whirled on her as Mel hurried away to get glasses.

"I don't have a problem, Man," Alex stood up straighter. Her back and shoulders tensed, ready to run.

"You can't let a nice guy buy you a drink?" He bared down on her, getting in her face, a hand on either side of her body as he pushed her back into the bar. She leaned back as far as she could to get away from him.

"Look, Buddy. I already have a drink. Maybe I'll let you get me one when I'm done," she was doing everything she could to remain calm. The money. She needed the money. She'd be fired if she disrespected a customer again. She kept reminding herself of the four hundred dollars in her pocket as he slid his hand over her hip. It's just work. It's part of the job. She takes her clothes off and dances and they pay her.

"Why don't you cut this maybe shit and start acting the way a whore should," he growled lowly at her, taking a firm handful of her ass.

She didn't need the job that bad.

"Fuck you!" she hissed at him after giving him a sharp slap. He looked horrified. She felt ready to vomit. It all felt so much dirtier all of a sudden. It all felt so much more surreal and impossible.

"Oh shit! So you like it rough, huh?" he leaned into her harder, putting a sloppy wet kiss at the side of her face. She used every ounce she had to shove him off of her and throw her drink in his face. It was at that same moment that Mel returned with his drinks.

"Mel? I quit," Alex said firmly. She grabbed her sweatshirt off the bar and yanked it on. "I'll see you at home," Alex choked out before disappearing into the crowded bar.

"Lex! Wait!" Mel shouted. It was no use. The college boys in front of her were disgruntled and soaked with beer. Mel offered them a towel and a free round, all the while her eyes trying to find Alex in the crowd.


	20. Merry Christmas

Christmas didn't feel quite as magical as it used to. Paige could comfortably blend into the background with Dylan being an international professional athlete. Blending into backgrounds was new for Paige, but she was finding that it wasn't all bad. The entire extended Michaelchuck family was in the house Christmas Day. All four generations of them. Her mother's side had come for Christmas brunch and the Michaelchucks poured in during the late afternoon for Christmas Dinner. Everyone was dressed to a T as usual, all of the gifts felt particularly superficial this year and every member of the family age twelve and up addressed Paige with caution and sympathy.

She hated it.

Paige opted to eat at the kids' table to avoid any conversations about Banting. She just couldn't do it. She also wanted to get away from her father's piercing glare. He was barely speaking to her, hardly wished her merry Christmas, didn't hug her when she walked in the night before and changed the subject to Dylan's career any time one of his brothers or their wives brought up Paige's name. When Dylan wrapped his arm around her neck and pulled her in to give her a truly love felt kiss on the top of her head, she wanted to burst into tears.

She smiled politely at uncles and in-law aunts as she pushed her mother back down into her chair and offered to take care of the dishes. Her father's brothers exchanged impressed glances of approval that Spoiled Paigey grew up enough to handle the mess without being asked.

A few minutes later, Dylan wordlessly joined her in the kitchen with two glasses of red wine and a holiday smile. Paige didn't notice because she was bent over the sink full of dishes with her face in her hands crying her eyes out.

"I'll wash. You dry. Your dress looks expensive and dry clean only," Dylan set her glass on the counter and patted her back. She looked up at him, eyes all red, and wanted so badly to smile. He smiled for her and she reached up to hug him. It was long, strong and exactly what she needed. Neither of them said anything. She pulled back, wiped her eyes and reached for a towel. She took a heavy sip of her wine as she stepped aside and let him get at the sink. She was slowly starting to feel better with him close to her.

He didn't ask, he didn't push, he didn't even acknowledge the fact that she was borderline bawling. He was being a little nicer than usual, but that always happened on holidays or when he was kind of drunk. She was really glad he was there.

"Thanks," she said quietly, trying to clear her throat. "For the drink," she tacked on, taking another sip.

"I thought you might need it," he shrugged, handing her a plate with a grin. She softened and bumped her shoulder softly into his. "You look good," he gave her a quick up and down. He'd been meaning to say so since last night but hadn't found the right moment.

She didn't go with them to pick him up at the air port. Dylan knew via emails from Marco that Paige was a wreck, but didn't know all the details. He figured being alone in the car with their parents was the last place Paige wanted to be, and wasn't offended that she came rushing in late on Christmas Eve after a long day at work and just wanted to go to bed. Something about her was different. She looked older. Maybe even a little wiser.

She looked so real for the first time.

"Thank you," Paige didn't lift her eyes from the dish in her hands. Her dress was expensive and it was dry clean only and it was classy and black and fitted. She liked that he noticed. She hadn't done much to her hair like past holidays. It was just down and simple. Her make up was minimal these days. She hadn't said much or smiled much, save the involuntary twitch of the lips at watching their youngest cousin trying to crawl. She had politely thanked everyone for their gifts, most of which were for dorm rooms and now irrelevant, and took any and every excuse for any sort of errand and snuck outside to smoke cigarettes behind the family's back.

She and Aunt Becky had an alliance now after a run in in the back yard while both were mid-smoke.

"Marco told me what's going on," Dylan finally spoke up, biting back every urge to tell her she smelled like cigarettes.

"Dylan, I really don't want to-"

"I'm not talking about Banting, Paige," Dylan cut her off in a serious tone. She stiffened up and slowly set a clean wine glass down before looking away. "If you want to talk about THAT, you know I'm here for you. And that I understand. Probably better than anyone else you know," he said in his brotherly tone. She liked it. She didn't realize how much she missed him until he wasn't around.

"I don't know what there is to say, really," she sighed, taking another dinner plate from him. "Which makes it even harder. This is all just too much bigger than I am."

"Maybe," Dylan shrugged. "Maybe not?"

"I'm never going to be enough for her," Paige was drying more violently. "I can't give her the kinds of things she needs and I don't even understand how to help with those kinds of problems!" her breath was getting tight. "I live in my world and she lives in hers and I've realized that that's final and it really, really, REALLY sucks! She huffed, setting the dish down and choking back another sob.

"Do you love her?" Dylan said somberly once Paige had calmed down.

"I don't know."

"Well, if that's even a maybe, I think this is worth working at, Paigey. What have you got to lose?" Dylan shrugged. He was trying to keep his hands in the sink and not give her another hug. He learned when they were younger to just let her get it out and try to void drawing attention to her crying. She was always too bold for hugs and comfort from him.

"Not a whole lot these days," she squeaked out, smiling up at him through her tears.

---------------------

Across town, Alex, Mel and Jay were sitting around the coffee table on the living room floor eating Chinese take out and trying to make it feel like Christmas. They had exchanged small gifts and watched a few of the classics on TV. Mel had insisted that they all get dressed up and now she and Alex were struggling to sit on the floor in short dresses. Both of their dresses belonged to Mel and Alex was having a rough time with the length. They had tall cans of cheap beer and too much food and Mel and Jay were feeling successful that for the first time in weeks, they both had Alex laughing.

Alex tried to protest when Jay and Mel offered her a few more gifts under the guise that Santa had left them, which made her laugh harder, but they wouldn't hear of it. It was all stuff that she needed and it was clear that Mel had wrapped them and written the tags, but it still felt wonderful and painful all at the same time. Hair brushes, extra socks, make up, all the stuff she had been borrowing. Not that Christmas was ever anything special over at the Nunez household, but it felt weird not being there. It felt uncomfortable that Jay, her best friend, was pretending to be Santa for her at nineteen years old when she couldn't even remember the last time her mother had done that. The genuine smile on Mel's face was all the Christmas spirit Alex felt she needed and she could only think of one other place in the world she'd rather be.

Maybe.

"Well," Jay sighed after setting his fork down on his clean plate. "I have got to be the luckiest man alive to be spending my Christmas with two of the most beautiful girls in Canada," He grinned down at Mel and gave her a short and sweet kiss.

"Only in Canada?" Mel joked back at him. "Try the world, Babe."

"Oh, of course, my mistake. I was thinking locally," Jay joked, grinning up at Alex. She looked really pretty sitting across from him in the dimly lit apartment. She and Mel had spent an hour in the bathroom putting each other's make up on and doing girly things to their hair. Jay had no idea what took them so long, but he was glad to hear fits of laughter coming from inside. He forgot how pretty Alex looked when she laughed.

"This was really nice of you guys," Alex said a little more seriously. "I don't know if I said thank you yet." She wiped her mouth on a paper take out napkin before sipping from her beer.

"Only like, forty-seven times," Mel rolled her eyes. "Please, Lexi. It was our pleasure." Mel smiled as she settled against Jay. Both of them were sitting with their backs against the couch. It was getting late and they'd had a few rounds. "You're family now."

"Sorry," Alex almost blushed.

"Merry Christmas, girls," Jay raised his beer.

"You too," Alex said as she and Mel raised their cans to clank them against his. As they all took a swig, she watched them smile at one another. He was so in love with her. She was so good to him. It was hard for Alex to admit that watching their genuine love day in and day out wasn't exactly helping. Her stomach turned as their noses touched and Mel made that playful little smile that Paige always used to make. It lurched when she realized Paige also had that bracelet. And the fact that Alex knew that Paige liked to wear it with those Tiffany hoops and that gray sweater with the big neck made her need to look away.

"This has been really wonderful," Alex sighed. "But I think I need to get a little sleep," Alex smiled at both of them as she lifted herself up. She was wearing foolishly tall heels for the informal dinner and stumbled a little when she realized how many beers she'd had. She reached for their plates and Mel grabbed her wrist.

"Don't you dare," Mel smirked up at her. Alex released her grip on Mel's dirty plate. "Go get changed. We'll get this."

"Are you sure? I'm already up, you guys can just go to bed."

"Lexi, cut the shit," Mel smiled. Alex smiled back, then moved to her duffle bag at the foot of the couch to find something to sleep in. Mel and Jay handled the dishes and Alex could hear them giggling and kissing in the kitchen.

She and Paige's last fight had been in the kitchen.

And their last kiss.

It was a disease. She couldn't shake her. She couldn't help but see her in everything. It was going to crush her if she wasn't careful. Alex quickly shrugged into her pajamas and jacket and called to the couple that she was going out for a cigarette. She felt heavy as she undid all four of the locks. A few of the guys from the building were outside smoking also and wished her a Merry Christmas. She thanked them, but didn't let on that she was far less than merry that night.

----------------

The day after Christmas found Paige with too much to think about sitting at the back table at work dealing with the accounts as usual. Spinner was there, but Jimmy was too, so nothing was too awkward. Paige had also become such a shut in that her former beef with Spinner was pretty much non-existent. Both of them were particularly smiley. She credited that to Jimmy's rich father and gathered he had received all of the latest hot Xbox Whatevers and that he and Spinner couldn't wait to get out of there and go play it.

"Paige?" Jimmy asked her. She didn't look up.

"Yes, I will close the store so you two can go play video games," she sighed.

"What?" Jimmy laughed.

"Really?" Spinner said eagerly. Jimmy whacked him in the stomach.

"Hey," Jimmy tried again, still as cheery.

"Yeah?" Paige looked up. Jimmy had a gift in his lap and Spinner had his arms crossed over his chest looking uncomfortable. "What…?" Paige trailed off.

"It's from us. We wanted to thank you for getting our books out of the toilet and giving this place the turn around we needed. And you know, to wish you merry Christmas and all that," Jimmy said shyly as he handed Paige the box. It was heavy.

"You guys!" Paige gave them a look that was a mixture of touched, concerned, and surprised. "Christmas was yesterday! What are you doing! You shouldn't have gotten me anything!" Paige blushed. She was getting flustered as she tore the red paper.

"Yeah, yeah, but we're just such nice guys. Open it," Spinner waved a hand.

It was a briefcase. A very chic, Coach, very Paige, briefcase. She looked up at them.

"Since you're our fashion boss and business savior, we thought you should look official," Jimmy grinned. Paige got out of her chair. "Plus, we thought you could use the pick me up, and you know, it's Christmas, and well, yeah. We want our manager to look cool!"

"Thank you," she said quietly and hugged them both, planting chaste kisses on both of their cheeks. "I didn't know we were doing gifts," she looked the most embarrassed yet. "I would have-"

"We're not doing gifts," Jimmy waved a hand at her. "Trust me. The two of us owe you more than this."

"Yeah. He's right. Merry Christmas, Paige," Spinner smiled and gave her another hug.

"How was yours?" Jimmy asked, all of them sheepishly sifting back to business. With how cold and stale the friendships had been the paste few months, it felt awkward to have a touching moment.

"Just as shallow, phony and uncomfortable as every other Michaelchuck holiday," Paige sighed.

"Get everything you wanted at least?" Jimmy shrugged. Paige paused as the reality of his question set in.

"No," she answered honestly. God, everything was coming back to HER. "But what I wanted most isn't the kind of thing Santa leaves under the tree," Paige half smiled. It was a sad smile. It was almost a wince. It hurt.

"Well? It's still Christmas for another few days, I think," Jimmy smiled at her trying to pick her up. "Maybe what you wanted will turn up."

"I'm not going to hold my breath," Paige tried to smile back at him.


	21. You'll Thank Us Later

"We have one more gift to give you," Mel and Jay were standing in the living room when Alex arrived home from some late errands she was running. She had a bag of groceries tucked under her arm and was struggling with another bag in the other.

"What?" Alex squinted at them. She had her usual look of disdain on. She swore as one of the bags ripped and a few cans tumbled out onto the floor. "You're a few days late," Alex rolled her eyes at them. New Years Eve was tomorrow.

"Trust me. We should have given you this one a long time ago," Jay scoffed. He had his hands in his pockets and Mel had her arms crossed firmly over her chest.

"And we're not taking no for an answer," Mel added. She looked awfully serious all of a sudden. They both did.

"What the hell is going?" Alex was getting more concerned. She eyed them even harder as she stooped to pick up the groceries she dropped.

"I have the next two days off," Jay began slowly. "These are the keys to my car," He held out his key chain and pushed it into Alex's hand. She'd driven his car plenty of times when he was too drunk to, but that was about it. He almost never offered those keys up sober.

"I can take the bus, Jay. This is really nice, but my new job is on the bus route. I don't need to take this away from you," Alex awkwardly pushed the keys back at him. He wouldn't take them.

"This isn't about your job, Alex," Mel almost softened.

"I'm not following," Alex said slowly.

"You are to take those keys, get in Jay's car, and go to Paige's," Mel said firmly.

"WHAT! No!" Alex yelped.

"She's there. You two are talking this out. You can have the car for as long as you need it, as long as it takes you two to come to some sort of SOMETHING," Mel cried.

"Mel! I'm not gonna-"

"YES, you ARE. This is foolish and it's gone on long enough. I can't watch you like this anymore. Go see her," Mel pointed at the door.

"Right now?" Alex squawked.

"Well? You have the keys. We're not letting you back in until you at least go over there," Mel held her head high.

"Jay!" Alex shouted. Turning to him with a pleading look. He glanced away.

"She's right, Lex," Jay sighed. "You know you need it."

"I can't believe this!" Alex shouted. Were they really doing this to her? "I can't just GO there! Do you two realize what kind of mess she and I are in?"

"Only kind of," Jay admitted. "But you're never going to even start to be happy until you at least see her. So get out of here. You'll thank us later," He grumbled. He hated forcing her out like this, but she needed it. He opened the door and guided her into the hallway. "Look, Lexi. You need this. Come on," he said lowly before giving her a quick hug.

"I can't believe you two!" Alex shouted.

"Good luck, Babe," Mel kissed Alex's forehead. "This is going to be the best thing we ever did for you!" Mel closed the door. Alex heard all of the locks spin. The hallway felt cold. The light was out again. She leaned against the door, still in disbelief.

They were right. They were always right. All she wanted was to see Paige, hear her voice, hope she smiled, but going over there felt kind of brash. She let the thought swim as she slowly descended the stairs toward the parking lot. She paused for a moment to light a cigarette as she eased into the driver's seat.

Could she just show up?

She took a drag. The worst that could happen was that Paige shut the door in her face. At least she'd get to see her for a minute. Hold on, PAIGE was the one that was WRONG. Paige was the bad guy! Why was she worried that Paige would be a bitch? Paige owed her a sincere apology! Fueled with a mixture of anger and want, she turned the key.

They were right. She did need to see Paige. She needed to tell her that she was still mad. And broken. And needed her but wanted to hate her. She needed to tell her SOMETHING and she hoped the drive across the city was going to give her enough time to figure out exactly what that was.

-------------------------

Paige opened the door to her apartment to find Marco and Ellie standing in the living room. They both looked solid. She gave them a confused look then headed through the kitchen to her room.

"Where do you think you're going?" Marco spoke up. He sounded like her father. She winced mid step.

"I was going to lay down," Paige looked back and forth, still puzzled. "I'm fucking exhausted."

"No. You're not," Marco pointed at her.

"We've had enough, Paige." Ellie shook her head.

"Excuse me, Hun?" Paige stepped closer but aw still apprehensive. They somehow looked like her mother and father they way they stood there with that we-know-what-you're-thinking look in their eyes. Paige racked her brain a mile a minute to try and dodge whatever this was about before it erupted. "Is this about the cable bill? Cause I left you a check on the fridge."

"No, it's not about the cable bill!" Marco huffed and flailed his hands. "This is about YOU. And how we can't keep going on with you if you don't DO something!" he snapped.

"I'm sorry, I thought I was staying out of everyone's way with my situation," Paige's voice started getting defensive. What the hell? She'd been nothing but nice to them, cleaned the bathroom extremely well, was early on al of her bills and hadn't cooked a meal in that place since her moving in party.

"Which is exactly the point, Paige," Marco sighed. "We cannot, in god faith as your best friends, continue to let you live like this." He looked defeated.

"Clean, responsibly and quietly?" Paige raised a brow at them trying to figure out what the hell their problem was.

"And miserable," Elli said, a now sympathetic tone in her voice. Her eyes were warm. "We let it go through the holidays. No one likes a personality overhaul on Christmas, but we can't sit by and watch this destroy you any longer," Ellie nodded firmly.

"I appreciate the concern, you guys, but really I'm fi-"

"We're holding your box of Alex stuff hostage until you talk to her!" Marco blurted, pointing had at Paige's cardboard box filled to the brim with every special romantic moment she ever had. The sweatshirt as on top as well as some of the pictures she had stuck around her mirror.

"Marco!" Paige cried, outraged. That was in the back of her closet! How did he even know she had that?! Shit. She must have told him about it drunk.

"And you're laptop," Ellie added, moving aside to show they had the computer on the table, too.

"You may have both of these things back after you talk to her," Marco said slowly and carefully. Both of them lifted their chins at her. They weren't going to budge.

"I need that computer for work tomorrow! Jimmy has two buyers coming in to meet with me and all of my files are on it! I've been working on that for like, three weeks!" Paige shouted.

"Then you'd better hurry up!" Marco didn't budge. Paige gasped. She couldn't believe them. This was down right unfair. She was the asshole. She couldn't just go dropping in on Alex whenever she damn pleased now. Those days were long over. And she had a really important meeting tomorrow! Where did she leave the external hard drive…

"Hah, Hah!" Paige taunted, her ghastly look melting into a smirk. "I have back up files in my briefcase!" she shouted triumphantly.

"What! No! Come on! Where's your briefcase?" Marco looked around frantically.

"You have a briefcase?" Ellie wondered aloud.

"Looks like your plan is foiled!" Paige cried, almost laughing. She was being silly for what had to be the first time in over a month. Marco almost forgot he as being the bad cop when she got that look in her eye. They were teasing and almost laughing again. It felt so great for a brief moment.

"We're still keeping the box!" Marco shouted, half kidding, but still snatched it off the table and hugged it to his chest so she couldn't try and take it away. It registered for a fleeting moment in Paige's mind that he should just keep it. Alex never wanted to see her again anyway. There was a knock at the front door. As she continued to fake gloat in order to hide the sinking feeling, she moved to open the door.

"Did you two order me a victory pizza?" Paige joked, putting on a fake smile as she pulled the door open. Marco and Ellie's jaws fell. In a split second, all of the almost-fun they were having was gone. Paige's eyes flew open. Her knees buckled and she felt like someone kicked her in he stomach.

Alex was on her doorstep.


	22. I Want To Be With You

"Holy shit," Paige got out in a breath just about a whisper. She couldn't move. There she was. Right there. Everything Paige wanted. She looked perfect. It was petrifying.

"Did you call her?" Marco hissed at Ellie. Both of them were staring straight ahead at Alex, him with his arms circled around the box and her clutching the laptop.

"No!" Ellie said back in a hushed whisper. "Did you?"

"No!" He snapped back.

"I didn't come over here to say that I'm sorry," Alex finally spoke up in a cold voice. She was quiet. She had her serious face on. Paige had been on the wrong end of that look too many times. Alex was hugging her arms around herself. It was almost midnight and it was windy. There was a threat of snow. She barely shivered, just one quick jerk now and then. She still hadn't decided if she was going to go inside yet, invited or not.

"I would never expect that," Paige admitted. She was still holding the doorknob and feeling out of place in her own home. Alex's jacket was new. She searched Alex's face for the bruises she'd heard so much about, cried about, felt guilty and sick about. There was very faint evidence around her eye, but it was almost gone. Paige took a deep breath, relieved that Alex was back to normal the first time she got to see her. She hadn't confessed aloud that she didn't think she'd be able to hold back if she ran into her still banged up.

"Or maybe I did, I still haven't decided yet," Alex looked up from the ground to meet Paige's eyes. She caught Paige taking a deep breath in when their eyes met.

She felt it too.

But she couldn't. Not yet anyway. She had things to say that Paige needed to hear before she let herself get weak in the knees about how beautiful the stupid girl was. And was she ever. She was still toned down, she looked tired, but the way her hair was spilling over her shoulder was going to make giving Paige What-For a lot harder than it felt in the car on the way over there.

"Do you want to come in?" Paige looked away. She looked embarrassed. Maybe shy. She didn't look dominant for one of the first times in a stand off between them. She stepped aside and gestured into the living room. Marco and Ellie looked like deer in the headlights for a brief moment, then scrambled over one another for the stairs, dropping Paige's stuff on the couch in a frenzy.

"Not really," Alex said firmly. Paige felt her heart break.

"Alex," Paige huffed. Alex flinched. It felt so good and so terrible to hear her say her name. "It's freezing and it's late. If you want to tear me to shreds at least come inside and do it with the heat on," Paige tried to joke, but it was too serious.

"I don't want to tear you to shreds," Alex grumbled in her old too cool for high school tone that Paige fell in love with.

"I wouldn't blame you if you did," Paige half shrugged. Her voice sounded restricted. She wanted to cry. Alex didn't budge. "Come on. You're shivering." Paige said gently, reaching for Alex's arm to pull her in. Alex jerked it away and stepped past her into the house. She couldn't touch her. If Paige touched her she'd never get anything out that she wanted to.

"I'm still mad at you!" Alex snapped, standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room. They faced one another, a few yards between them.

"I know," Paige's voice was small.

"Like, what the fuck, Paige?" Alex's voice got louder.

"I know," Paige agreed again.

"You can't just do whatever you want all the time, you know. Not when there are other people involved!" Alex snapped. Oh shit, she was going to cry. She didn't want to do this crying.

"I know that," Paige said a little more firmly.

"Do you have any IDEA what kind of shit I've been going through?" Alex gestured with her hand.

"Only products of the rumor mill since you never wanted to tell me," Paige said quickly, then immediately regretted it. It was a little low.

"Oh, pardon me. I forgot that you get to know absolutely everything about everyone at all times," Alex rolled her eyes. Crap. This isn't what she wanted either!

"Alex, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I didn't know, and you wouldn't tell me, and I fucked all of this up, really screwed it up, and I know that. I KNOW," Paige said louder this time, pointing haphazardly between the two of them. Alex wouldn't look at her. She was already apologizing. That wasn't part of the plan either. "And I wanted to call you and tell you sooner but I was pretty fucking sure you weren't going to pick your phone up."

"So you just didn't?!" Alex yelped.

"I did with you what I did with everyone else in my life. Got out of their way and left them alone. Kept my issues to myself and got my shit done and got on with it," Paige huffed.

"I find THAT very hard to believe," Alex rolled her eyes.

"The only difference with doing that to you is that it's crushing me," Paige blurted out. She looked surprised. So did Alex. So did Marco and Ellie who were listening in the upstairs hallway.

"Yeah? Keeping to yourself and moping around? The last time I talked to you, you were drunk as fuck all and dressed like you just left a rager," Alex snapped, then winced on the inside. She didn't want to bring up Zanzibar. That was anti-Paige territory on the whole.

"Marco took me out for a night because he felt bad for me. Because I've become petty damn pathetic lately and he noticed," Paige tried.

"Oh, okay, YOU'RE pretty damn pathetic," Alex let out a stressed laugh.

"I'm pretty sure that the last words you SAID to me involved calling me pretty damn pathetic!" Paige's voice cracked. She was breaking. She was gonna cry too. This wasn't how she imagined it. "And that I needed to get my shit together and that I needed to get away from you!" Paige's voice was high in her throat.

"I didn't tell you to get away from-"

"Until I had my head together? I'm pretty sure you did. And if those weren't your EXACT words, you said it with your eyes," Paige finished in a whisper. She was crying now. She wasn't only bringing up the flaws in she and Alex's relationship, but the major flaws in herself. It sucked and it hurt and it wasn't what she expected this to be about. And somehow it didn't feel right bringing up the wrongs Alex was doing on stage to try and defend herself. It wasn't her place. She couldn't do that without being just plain mean.

"Well, you needed to!" Alex snapped back.

"I know that! And I'm trying!" Paige cried. "But every day this gets bigger than me and becomes something I can't save and can't help and can't DO, Alex!" Paige shouted.

"Nobody asked you to!" Alex yelled back. Paige opened her mouth to speak, and then closed it. "I didn't want to be with you if it was going to be fake! I need you to be sure that you want me, not save me! Jesus, Paige, you're not a fucking hero, you're a kid!" Alex threw her hand to the side.

"Sorry that it comes naturally to me to try and help a really bad situation! You needed help, Alex. I wanted you to be okay, I wanted to just make everything fine and I know I can't and I'm sorry!" Paige was flailing her hands and her words were stringing together.

"Why do you feel like you need to rescue me?" Alex cried, borderline annoyed.

"Because I'm crazy about you!" Paige yelled, jumping on Alex's words. Alex froze. "Maybe I can't say it like you can, maybe I can't be comfortable with it in every public place and maybe I can't declare to the world that the only thing I want more than anything in my life is a WOMAN, and I'm SORRY, but I am really, REALLY trying!" Paige shouted. She had tears on her cheeks now.

"Paige-"

"I want to know that you're okay, I want to know that you're safe, I want you to call ME when you need help, and I want to comfort you, not break your heart, and I'm sorry, and I have been the biggest idiot that ever was an idiot, and I know you know that, and I'm pretty sure EVERYONE knows that, and there are a lot of people who don't even want to LOOK at me, some of it about this, some of it about the other obvious things, and maybe I'm not myself, unless this is who myself IS now, but if there is anything at all in my cloudy, fucked up, irrational head these days that's clear and obvious and true, it's that I want to be with you," Paige finished, breathing hard. She was pretty sure she got it all out, but couldn't be positive. Her eyes were wide at the fact that she had finally said it all. Marco clamped his hands over his mouth. Ellie gawked in shock.

Alex didn't budge.

"I've never felt as good as I feel when I'm with you," Paige confessed. She was calming down, but still taking deep breaths. Alex's eyes were wet with tears she didn't want to show. She wouldn't blink. She wouldn't look at Paige. "And I jerked you around, and I acted like a shithead and I got everything I deserved," Paige's hands fell defeated against her thighs with a slap.

"Is that true?" Alex asked in a voice so quiet it was hard to hear.

"Of course it's true!" Paige cried incredulously, taking a few steps closer. "I know it's been a while, Hun, but you know me well enough to know that I'm a really shitty liar," Paige was half joking. She was hoping to break some tension, but it was the truth.

"You are a shitty lair," Alex agreed, half smiling through her tears. It caused a few of them to fall down her face. Paige grimaced. She hated it when Alex cried. Over the past year or so, whenever she did, it was usually Paige's fault.

"You can call me anything, you can tell me how wrong I was, you can tell me how badly I hurt you," Paige said, calmer now. She held her arms out straight, welcoming the pain. "Believe me. I already know all of it. I've spent the past few months obsessing over it, I'm fairly confidant that I know how terrible I am. But none of that changes how I feel about you, and how you make me feel."

"Shit, Paigey," Alex chuckled through tears. "When did you get so mature?"

"I told you, I've been working on it," Paige shrugged, then wiped her eyes. They were closer together now. Alex was faintly aware of the familiar smell of Paige's hair, but it wasn't enough to really register. They were trying not to meet eyes. Neither of them were sure what came next. It just felt so good to be in the same room together. Alex didn't want to lose her footing and jump into something she'd regret. Paige wasn't sure if she was jumping. Everything had been so clear for so long now. It was hard to change gears.

"Is that my sweatshirt?" Alex asked after a long lull of avoiding one another's gaze. She pointed at the box on the couch. Paige blushed.

"Yes, it is."

"I was wondering what happened to that," Alex hung her head in an embarrassed laugh. "Did you steal that from me?" Alex looked up and their teary eyes met again. This time it was different. It was warmer. It felt friendly. It felt good.

"You let me borrow it," Paige looked away. Was it more than friendly?

"That was my favorite. I can't believe I gave you that," Alex picked it up.

"You let me wear it home from your place one morning. You, ah, ripped the shirt I wore over," Paige's cheeks were red. Crap. That was more than friendly. Alex noticed it too.

"I should go," Alex said abruptly. Paige's eyes widened. She was already going to leave?

"Okay," Paige replied, her disappointment clear. Alex turned away from Paige and headed for the door. Paige slowly walked behind her and reached to get the door for her. They were so close together. Paige's arm slid past Alex's to get the doorknob. Alex had her keys in her hand. Paige's brain briefly paused, remembering that Alex didn't have a car.

Paige didn't open the door right away. She was frozen by being that close to Alex again. She was close enough to hug her. She was silently begging Alex to turn around. To say something. Anything. For that not to be the end. She almost jumped when Alex turned halfway.

"Thank you," Alex said quietly.

"For what?" Paige didn't look at her. She still had her hand on the door, her arm was practically around Alex now that she had turned.

"Everything you said," Alex took a shaky breath. "It means a lot that you've thought this much about it."

"It's all I can think about," Paige said, her voice heavier and truer than she expected. Alex straightened up a bit and turned even more. She took Paige by total surprised when she reached up and gave her a hug. It was so warm and felt so good and so terrible to have Alex against her like that again. Paige's heart skipped a beat. She was too startled to hug back at first, standing dumbly with a hand on the door and the other at her side.

"I really should go," Alex whispered, her chin on Paige's shoulder. Neither of them wanted to let go. They laboriously pulled apart. Both were trying not to cry again.

"Okay," Paige nodded slowly. She pulled the door open behind Alex. The cold air burst through, startling both of them. "Wait!" Paige said frantically as Alex turned to go. Alex stopped and looked over her shoulder expectantly. "So, like, is that it?"

"What?" Alex asked.

"Are we like, done? Do I get to talk to you? Am I allowed to call you? Do I get to know you?" Paige blurted, that goofy way she had when she said too many words.

"Of course," Alex smiled warmly. Oh crap, she was pretty. She leaned forward and kissed Paige's cheek gently, then smiled and turned to leave again.

Paige pushed the door shut.

Neither of them moved for a few beats. Alex very carefully and slowly looked halfway over her shoulder. Paige was trying to figure out what she was doing. She wasn't sure, but she knew what she felt. She couldn't let her leave. Not like this, that couldn't be all. It couldn't. Not after everything that had happened and was said. She grabbed Alex by the shoulder with one hand and spun her around.

"Paige," Alex got out in a whisper before Paige pushed her against the closed door and kissed her.


	23. Are you gonna leave?

They were both wide eyed when Paige pulled away. They both stared at one another, searching the other's eyes, trying to figure out what to do. Paige looked terrified. Alex looked shocked. Alex's cheeks had tracks of dried tears down them. They were noticeable now that they were closer to the lamp by the door. Paige still had her hands on Alex's shoulders, gently holding her in place.

They were both taking deep breaths, trying to answer the question hanging heavy in the cramped living room.

Can I kiss her again?

Alex could feel Paige's hands shaking against her. Moments passed and neither of them flinched. In the still and silence, Alex could really see it. Paige's eyes gave her away. She was throwing it all on the line and this time, she really meant it. It was real this time. This wasn't just Paige getting her way. Paige gave up everything over the past few weeks to get that one kiss. It was a culmination of doing a whole lot of growing up in a very short period of time mixed with some unexpected self discovery that wrapped up with a grand finale of praying she was making the right decision as she pushed the door shut and kissed her.

Alex smiled. She was crying again. But she was smiling. Paige's fear melted to confusion just before Alex took Paige's face in her hands and pulled her back in.

It felt so good.

The relief both girls felt in the gentlest of kisses was unbelievable. Paige could hardly move. She could hardly kiss back. Alex pushed her fingers into Paige's hair and brought her closer. She was warm. She was exactly the way Paige remembered her. It was almost too good. Alex took a hand from Paige's cheek and slipped it over Paige's lower back, pulling her closer. It was all the encouragement Paige needed to let herself fall against Alex.

"I missed you," Paige whispered. They broke apart to catch their breath, their foreheads touching, stealing small kisses back and forth.

"I missed you, too," Alex got out before Paige closed her lips with her own. They both reached for the buttons on Alex's jacket at the same time, two pairs of thin hands fumbling over the clasps. They only kissed harder as they got in one another's way. Paige slid her hands carefully but quickly around Alex's waist. She had a thin sweater on under the bulky jacket and the curves of her hips felt familiar and perfect in Paige's hands. Alex sucked in a deep breath through her nose when Paige's fingers edged under the hem of her sweater, just barely touching the skin on her back. She felt Paige's pinky slip through her back belt loop.

Alex took the first step away from the door, causing Paige to take one backwards. She was moving away from the exit. Paige took it as a good sign and kissed harder. Short, strained yelps filled with surprised sighs were the only sounds Marco and Ellie could hear from the upstairs hallway. With exchanged smiles, they both closed their bedroom doors behind them. Somewhere in the back of Paige's mind, the slamming of the two doors registered, but she was brought back down when her back made contact with the counter in the kitchen.

The first kisses moved quickly from make up kisses to make out kisses and now were rolling dangerously fast into the realm of foreplay. There wasn't much more in the way of conversation. No one was crying anymore. No one needed to. Alex pushed Paige further back still, bending her over the counter. She couldn't get close enough. She couldn't get that kiss deep enough. Paige hoisted herself to a sitting position on the counter and yanked at the hem of Alex's sweater. She frantically pushed the dark hair out of Alex's face before kissing her again and dropping her sweater aside.

Alex flattened her palms out on Paige's back. She couldn't get enough of her at once. It was panicky and wonderful. Paige ran her hands up Alex's exposed arms. Everywhere Paige's fingers touched felt hot. She traced them over Alex's shoulders, past the straps of her tank top and up into Alex's hair.

So much of it was the same. The way Alex flinched when Paige kissed her in that spot where her neck and ear and jaw all met. The way Alex's hair felt wrapped around Paige's fingers. The old way Paige used to arch her back when Alex would grab her thigh and strengthen a kiss. Paige's hair smelled the same. Alex was instantly brought back to long nights half asleep in Paige's bed, the scent of her shampoo mixed with sweat, lip gloss and an afterglow. It felt really good to be back.

And it was different.

Paige's hands were unsure. She was tentative while being desperate at the same time. She was delicate while rough. She wasn't sure what was allowed, and once she found out it was, she wasn't about to let it go. She knew what she wanted, but wasn't sure Alex's head was in the same place. Alex was smooth and confidant and calm as ever. Unreadable. Paige had always envied that about her in and out of bed. Alex could melt her on the streets with a smile, and the deliberate yet slick way she had in bed could get Paige to do just about anything. Even now, Alex touched Paige's body in all of the right, perfect ways. She had a way of giving Paige just enough of what she wanted so she'd have to beg Alex for the rest.

Paige slid off the counter and yanked Alex closer by grabbing the waist of her jeans. She could feel a surprised smile form on Alex's lips against her own. That smile was good. That was the old playful Alex. That meant Alex was into this. The pulling of jeans was Paige sticking her hypothetical toe into the shallow end of the kinky pool and Alex responded fine.

And thank god. Paige didn't know if she could stop.

Alex pushed Paige's threadbare squatch t shirt up over her head, the moments where fabric came between their lips felt like too much. She snuck a peek down at Paige's rack in the tight camisole and knew she was losing control of this. Of herself. Knew she needed to find a way and make sure this was what she really wanted to do.

"Don't leave," Paige spat out quickly as Alex kissed down her neck. It was frantic and hurried and she wished she hadn't said it.

"I'm not going to," Alex replied firmly between kisses. Paige pushed them towards her room. Alex let her. They had a hard time making it across the kitchen, both unable to take their hands off the other. Hands slid over arms and exposed midriffs in tank tops and low slung jeans. Stomachs, backs, arms hands, it was all warm. Alex pressed Paige into the wall by her French doors and gave her a long, slow kiss. It slowed the harried pace down. "So relax," Alex eyed her with a look that was almost playful. Paige stared up at her, trying to think of something to say.

Nothing was left. There was nothing left to say between them.

Paige slapped her door open with one hand and dragged Alex in by the front of her shirt with the other. Alex kicked the door shut behind her in a hurry and fell on top of Paige onto her bed.

Alex had been thinking of getting in bed with Paige since the last time she got out of Paige's bed months ago. Almost half a year now. It startled her. She was propped up on her hands, her body against Paige's, their hips pressed together and her thigh between Paige's legs. Paige had a handful of Alex's tank top and her fist was pressed between Alex's breasts when they fell. She didn't lean down for a kiss right away. She was looking past Paige into the sheets.

She didn't feel as sure all of a sudden.

"What?" Paige's voice was husky and choked from so much making out. It was also a whisper. It was dark in Paige's room. There was a hint of light coming from her clock and a little from her stereo. A thin dim crack of light shown under the doors. Her cell was charging on the night stand. It was all just enough for Paige to see the confused look in Alex's eyes.

"I don't know," Alex whispered back.

"Are you okay?" Paige asked. She meant it. She desperately didn't want to hear it if the answer was no, but she didn't want to push something fake if that were the case. They'd only both end up worse.

"Are you gonna leave?" Alex asked after a long pause, turning the question on Paige. This time she looked right at her. She looked scared. I love you, you idiot. Paige knew that face. It was vulnerable.

"Never," Paige said softly, pushing Alex's hair behind her ear. She let her hand linger on Alex's cheek. She felt her lean into her hand. Alex turned and gently kissed Paige's palm.

"Are you sure?" Alex asked, resting her cheek in Paige's hand again.

"Absolutely," Paige replied earnestly. She was calm. It was what Alex needed to hear. Even in their freest days together, Paige was always the tiniest hint skittish and jumpy. Now she was lying on her back, open and stretched out with Alex on top of her telling Alex that this was right.

"Good," Alex let out the breath she'd been holding and closed the space between them with a kiss. It was the same bedspread. The clock radio cast the same blue glow and the mattress had the same give, but it was a different Paige that rolled Alex over and climbed on top. It was a new Paige that sat up, straddled Alex's hips and let out a sexy sigh as Alex pulled her tank top off.

They were so close together. Alex sat up to bring her body against Paige's and slid a hand up her bare side, the other going for the button on Paige's jeans. Paige let her, all the while clawing at Alex's shirt. With trust exchanged, both knew there would be no holding back from here till tomorrow morning. Alex worked at Paige's zipper as she felt her bra come loose. It was all becoming a blur of instincts and familiar sounds and smells.

Paige's teeth bit into Alex's shoulder at that same old trick that Alex knew got her every time. Gentle touches and caresses turned to slaps and grabs as their sweet love fired into lust, which was quickly becoming sex. Alex's back hit the mattress with a thud as one of her hands gripped the sheets and the other groped for a fistful of blond hair that bobbed between her thighs. Strained voices tried not to shout out one another's names due to the roommates upstairs.

Alex tried to find her mind in the middle of the act. She couldn't. Paige was on top of her, both of their naked bodies moving together and Alex was doing all she could to grip the pillow behind her head and give Paige back just as much as she was dishing out, but it was all so good it was almost too much. Paige didn't show signs of stopping when Alex got so close she couldn't keep her own hands going anymore. To Alex's benefit, the normally selfish Michaelchuck kept right on going. Alex wanted to shout Paige's name, she wanted to tell her in filthy, sexy detail how fucking good it all felt, how good Paige felt, but her mouth was stuck open in a silent scream.

She could feel Paige's breath on her neck and chest, hear the whispered compliments and coos and encouragement Paige was giving her to get off. She didn't need it. It was making it even harder to speak. Paige's hoarse voice telling Alex exactly how she felt in her hands was pushing her quickly over the edge. She didn't plan for this, didn't plan to cum this quickly and definitely didn't have THIS in mind when she got in the car, but she was quickly catapulting towards the point of no return. Her legs were tight, her toes curled so hard her feet were cramping and her face was distorted with pleasure so badly she couldn't open her eyes if she had to. Paige kept on her, hands and body and lips, whispering across Alex's face how beautiful she was. It was when she said it again in French that Alex lost it and found the sound of body to grab Paige's wrist and stop her motions, all the while giving an exasperated cry of finish.

"Stop, wait, stop," Alex tried to catch her breath, swallowing hard. Paige froze, alarmed.

"Is everything…" Paige searched Alex's face for something, anything. Her hair was stuck all around her forehead with sweat. Her mouth hung open as she took in deep breaths. "I mean, are you okay?" Paige, licked her lips, desperately awaiting Alex's reply. Shit. She never should have brought her to her bedroom. That was greedy, it was stupid, and far too soon.

"Yeah," Alex nodded rapidly, forcing the words out. "It just," she swallowed hard. "I need a minute. I can't take it," Alex loosened her grip on Paige's wrist. Paige was still alert, but relaxed her hand on Alex's stomach. "It's too good," Alex got out.

Paige bit her lip. Wow. Really? Hunh.

"What?" Paige blurted out, too surprised to be embarrassed. Alex chuckled at her genuine tone. It was adorable.

"I've never had," Alex started, but cut herself off. It was too soon for that sort of talk. "I just can't breathe. Just give me a sec," Alex smiled, her body limp as she wrapped an arm around Paige and pulled her in. She kissed Paige's forehead.

This was new.

Paige was typically on the receiving end. Now she knew why Alex was up half the night while she slept like a baby. Sometimes it went both ways, they could make it happen together, and there was that phase they went through near the end experimenting with sixty-nineing, but it was complicated no matter how much yoga Paige had taken in her lifetime and generally brought them back to square one, where Alex would-

Do what she was doing right now. Paige gasped so sharply it ended in a squeak. Alex pushed her onto her back and was returning the favor. She was foggy and groggy from moments before, but her mind and her drive weren't listening to her body.

"Holy shit, Alex!" Paige hissed, sucking in a deep breath through clenched teeth. Her sensual body rolls of moments before that moved with Alex were turning into strangled jerks and involuntary shudders as Alex brought her closer. Alex didn't reply, just rolled her free fingers over Paige's chest and leaned in to catch her earlobe between her front teeth. Paige's back arched right off the mattress. Suddenly she was hurtling down memory lane so fast it was hard to sort out what were old memories, what were unfulfilled fantasies and what was happening to her body in her bed right now.

She grabbed at anything. Alex's back, Alex's hair, the pillows, the blankets, something to keep her in the moment and keep this real. Gripping Alex's shoulder so tight she was leaving five indents from her nails kept her assured she wasn't about to wake up in a cold sweat from a hot dream in her bed alone. Alex's hot breath on her wet neck kept this from being just another day dream. Alex's hand moving between her legs and hip against her own, the hand on her breast and lips on her chest made Paige even more sure she'd made the right decision and done the right thing.

The string of expletives Paige was trying to shout were almost loud enough that Alex suddenly remembered Paige had roommates, but Paige's voice was too strained to give much in the way of a scream. Alex didn't watch Paige finish. Her eyes were clenched shut too as she worked to bring her over. It was that one final arch of the back, the few moments of silence followed by one large shout, so forced it wasn't even a word, that let Alex know she was done. Both of them collapsed, melted into the mattress with heavy breath, sweaty bodies and complete and total relief between them.

Neither of them spoke. Paige was still on her back, her eyes closed as she started drifting into her post-sex coma. It was like clockwork and Alex learned the hard way not to fuck her before school or in the afternoon if she wanted to get anything done. Alex lay beside her with heavy eyelids, watching Paige fall asleep. She pulled the bedspread over them as best as her tired body would allow before letting herself sink further into the pillows. She reached over and gently moved some of Paige's hair off her forehead, then kissed her temple and tried to close her eyes.

It was hard to stop looking at her.

"I'm sorry," Paige whispered after a long silence between them.

"For what?" Alex furrowed her brow, but still didn't open her eyes.

"For everything. For being a butthead," Paige's voice was slow and sleepy.

"I forgive you," Alex smiled, then moved her head and rested it on Paige's shoulder.

"I love you too, you idiot," Paige tried to smile as she whispered. Alex couldn't suppress her grin. "And it kinda scares the crap out of me, too."

"I know how you feel," Alex took Paige's hand in her own.


	24. It's Kind of Cute

Alex woke up the next morning confused. She knew very quickly that she wasn't on Jay and Mel's couch, but it took a few moments for her to remember why that was. She gasped out loud when she realized she had no clothes on. Everything quickly came back to her. She felt warm and couldn't stop grinning. Paige was sprawled out on her back, blond curls astray all over the pillow. Alex picked her head up off Paige's chest to steal a look at her face before snuggling back down. She had an arm tucked around Paige's waist and her leg linked through one of Paige's. They fit so perfectly together.

It was late. Alex couldn't remember the last time she slept this late. Morning was almost completely gone and lunch was approaching. She tightened her hug and took a deep breath, taking her in. It felt better than anything to be there, in that bed, in those arms, in that moment.

It was hard to believe she was really there. A light brush over Paige's bare side made it more real. To feel her skin, feel that she was warm and close. Alex's grin turned into more of a genuine smile as Paige's honest words echoed in her head from their fight the night before. She couldn't believe who Paige was turning into. It was so great to see Paige finally in touch with herself. Finally comfortable.

Finally understanding herself.

She jumped when Paige's phone vibrated on the nightstand beside her. Paige didn't even move. A slight twitch of her lips and she was back to sleeping soundly. It didn't stop ringing. Alex rolled away from her, her body instantly cold without contact, and reached for the phone. She sighed and flipped it open.

"Hey Jimmy, It's-"

"Where the hell are you?" Jimmy joked on the other end of the line.

"Jimmy, it's-"

"Did you forget you have to work today? We're shockingly busy, Paige," Jimmy was laughing and pausing to shout things to Spinner.

"No, Jimmy, listen, it's not-"

"It's not a big deal, but if you could get dressed and get over here, it would be a huge help," Jimmy laughed again. Alex was trying to keep her voice down in order to let Paige keep sleeping.

"James? It's not Paige," she said a little more firmly. "It's Alex." He didn't respond for a minute.

"Oh," was all he got out. "Really?" Jimmy's smug grin was audible through the phone.

"Yes," Alex huffed.

"Is Paige there?" Jimmy asked. She could tell he was doing that thing where he scratched the back of his head and blushed a bit.

"She's asleep."

"So you're in her bed?" Jimmy said slowly.

"I'm not telling you because it's not nice to jump to conclusions," Alex snapped. "I don't think she's coming in today," She looked Paige over again. Jesus, she was pretty in the morning.

"Just make sure she's here and pleasant by four. She's meeting buyers and I need her!" Jimmy laughed at something on his end again.

"Will do," Alex replied.

"Great. Hey, Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Is everything, you know, cool?" Jimmy struggled. Alex was straightening Paige's hair around her face and snuggling back down into the crook of Paige's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'd say it's pretty cool," Alex smiled as she pulled the blankets back up. "I'll deliver the goods by four."

"Thanks," Jimmy was smiling on his end. "Have fun!"

"What? Hey!" Alex yelped but he had already hung up. She set the phone on the nightstand.

"Who was that?" Paige asked sleepily without opening her eyes.

"Jimmy," Alex replied. Paige turned into Alex, still snuggly. Alex welcomed her into her arms and kissed the top of her head.

"Why was he calling you?" Paige mumbled into Alex's neck. She gave her a few soft, sleepy kisses on her shoulder and jaw line.

"He was calling you. You're late for work," Alex smirked.

"Shit," Paige mumbled, but didn't get up. She just slipped an arm around Alex and pulled her closer.

"He says just be there for the buyer meeting and to otherwise stay home," Alex said softly, flinching with a grin as Paige's hand passed over one of her more ticklish spots.

"Good," Paige smiled against Alex's skin, then nuzzled her nose in closer.

Alex was wide awake now. Paige was wrapped around her and falling quickly back to sleep. She took it as a good sign. She had never seen Paige this comfortable the morning after. Ever. Paige was quick to throw on some pajamas or make some excuse about a shower and getting dressed, or they were both flying out the door in the morning trying to sneak Alex past Paige's parents. Part of the AM embarrassment could be credited to living in her parents' house, but Alex always felt it was a convenient out. Her mother worked all the time. There was never a threat at the Nunez household.

They didn't go there much if they didn't have to, either.

But not today. There was just enough morning light coming through Paige's small windows to cast a glow. Paige had the long, slow breaths of someone who was content and comfortable. Alex was running her fingers through the ends of Paige's long curls. She wasn't straightening her hair as much. She was just leaving it a mess. It was hot.

"Do you have to work today?" Alex could feel Paige's lips moving against her neck when she spoke. It made her shiver.

"No," Alex replied quietly.

"Good," Paige snaked her arm up to thread her fingers into Alex's hair. Neither of them spoke. It felt good. At the same time, Alex couldn't help her wandering mind and wandering nerves.

"Paige?" Alex cleared her throat.

"Mm?" Paige was still snuggled.

"Are you awake?" Alex asked, a tell tale hitch in her voice.

"Yes," Paige said more steadily.

"It's just that, I mean," Alex was trying to find the words. She felt Paige's hand slide into her own. She locked her fingers around hers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Paige asked calmly. It was stunning Alex how put together Paige was about all of this.

"Do you?" Alex looked down at Paige.

"I don't know that there's a whole lot to say," Paige shrugged. She gave up a playful grin. "I mean, it was GREAT, don't get me wrong, the way you did that thing with the-"

"Paige!" Alex laughed.

"I'm sorry, but you know I only speak the truth, Hun," Paige smirked, propping herself up so she could look Alex in the eye. The heavy blankets slipped off her shoulders exposing even more of her skin.

"But in the light of the morning," Alex began softly, her smiles fading. "You still mean everything you said?" Alex gripped Paige's hand tighter.

"Of course," Paige brought their joined hands to her lips and kissed Alex's fingers. "Maybe even more so." Paige watched real live happiness flood into Alex's eyes for the first time in months. Alex didn't say anything else, she just reached up and pulled Paige back down to her.

------------------------

"Babe?" Jay called from the bathroom.

"Yeah?" Mel called back from the kitchen. She was making something to eat and scuffling over the linoleum in her slippers.

"Did Lexi call you?" Jay asked. He was brushing his teeth. They had stayed up late being as loud as they wanted in their room since Alex wasn't a few yards away asleep on the couch. It was noontime when they pushed one another out of bed.

"Nope," Mel replied, bending at the hip and looking through the fridge. There wasn't much. "Did she call you?"

"No," Jay replied, setting his toothbrush back on the counter and toweling his face off. "Is my car out there?" He asked.

"Uumm," Mel trailed off, moving to look out their small living room windows. She moved quickly across the living room trying to avoid the chill in the air. They faced the big parking lots below and Jay's orange car was easy to spot. "No." Mel replied, fighting a smile.

"Good," Jay grinned.

------------------------

"So did you finally decide on your New Years plans?" Marco asked Ellie. They were both trudging down the stairs after sleeping in. After the hellish semester they'd both endured, they'd spent the first week of the holiday break sleeping as late as possible.

"Not really. There's a Core party, but I don't know if I want to go," Ellie shrugged, pulling the tie on her bathrobe tighter.

"Jesse going?" Marco winced.

"Jesse's throwing it," Ellie rolled her eyes. Both of them paused at the foot of the stairs. "Is that Alex's jacket?" Ellie asked, picking up the wool coat by the door.

"And this is her sweater," Marco was trying not to giggle in the kitchen. Alex's black v neck was on the floor in front of the coffee maker.

"Wow. And all I expected was an apology and maybe some cuddling," Ellie raised a surprised brow.

"Guess not," Marco smirked.

"Ew. We're going to have to set some ground rules about make outs in public domain," Ellie frowned. "I eat breakfast in here," she tacked on with disdain, picking Paige's t shirt up off the counter.

"Come on, it's cute!" Marco giggled.

"It's gross," Ellie said matter of factly. "And I really don't want to start finding long black hairs in my shower. I know how filthy those two used to be. And that was when they were in high school," Ellie pointed at Paige's closed door. Both of them jumped when the doors flew opened.

"Good morning, roommates!" Paige was positively beaming. She had a slew of hickies up her neck and was wearing a towel. She had a hand on each door and was entering the kitchen as if she were bursting into a party. Alex scrambled for a blanket behind her.

"Subtle," Ellie scoffed.

"Hi," Alex said lamely, her face completely red. She was making an effort to fix her freshly ruffled hair. Marco and Ellie mustered up half waves. Paige pranced to the fridge, poured two glasses of water and sauntered back towards her room. "Have a wonderful day, you two!"

"Forgot something!" Marco chucked both of the shirts towards Paige who laughed.

"Very funny, Hun," Paige rolled her eyes, then pushed her doors shut. Ellie gave Marco a look when Alex burst into laughter on the other side of the door. He made a puppydog face right back.

"Fine. It's kind of cute. And I am totally happy for them. But I don't want anyone, Paige or otherwise, having sex in my kitchen," She snapped, pulling the coffee grinds out of the cabinet.


	25. Happy New Us

"I can't believe you pulled this together in a couple of hours," Marco shook his head at Paige. Their house was packed with friends, friends of friends and almost strangers, all dolled up for the New Year.

"I know! This is ridiculous! And you got guys! Hot guys! Hot single guys that seem to be in my league!" Ellie tried to keep her voice down, but widened her eyes with excitement at her friends.

"Hun, you would be amazed at the things I can pull off with a blackberry, mobile facebook, and a few free minutes," Paige rolled her eyes and sipped from her plastic cup of keg beer. "This is tame."

She had strutted into Squatch Wear in one of the most fashionable get ups she had, complete with boots, dress coat, full hair and make up and her briefcase looking every inch Pre-Banting-Paige. She topped her look off with a stand-by accessory, a pink scarf tied around her neck to hide the evidence of just-made-up love. To Jimmy's amazement, she wowed the buyers, closing deals with three new boutiques, and on her post business deal high, made the decision that it was New Years Eve, damnit, and they had all best be partying tonight. You know what? Let's do it at my house. Some phone calls, a few profile blitzes, an IM or two and she had the house full of everyone who was anyone and their guests glammed up for the stroke of twelve.

"I'm just glad you're back," Marco kissed her cheek.

"Me too," Ellie draped an arm around each of their shoulders and pulled them in for a hug.

"Thanks, guys. I know I was sort of awful for a while. I'm really sorry," Paige fidgeted with her cup, running her fingers up and own the side.

"Please, all in the past. The worst part of all of that was that it was clear you felt like hell and there was nothing we could do about it!" Ellie said a little too loudly.

"Are you drunk?" Paige asked her flatly.

"Probably. Almost." Ellie paused to take another sip. "Yes." She tacked on, nodding her head firmly. Paige and Marco burst into laughter. It was so nice. The three of them felt like themselves again. Maybe even more than themselves. It was one of those moments where they realized they had grown a little.

"Hey," Marco said, scanning the crowd. "Where's Alex?"

"She's here," Paige glanced over her shoulder. "She was in the kitchen a few minutes ago," she pointed.

-------------------------

"So? Huh? Come on!" Mel joked, giving Alex playful jabs in the stomach. Alex had a beer and a grin she was trying to suppress as she leaned coolly against the kitchen counter.

"Shut up," Alex swatted at Mel, but couldn't stop blushing.

"Lexi, seriously. You owe this girl the details," Jay joked, taking a swig of his beer. "She's been at me ALL DAY. 'Do you think they made up, Jay? Do you think everything is okay? She hasn't called me, has she called you? JASON. Are you listening to me? Should we go over there? BLAH!' It's killing me!" Jay rolled his eyes, mocking Mel's voice in a high pitched tone.

"Oh bullshit, I never called you Jason," Mel pointed sternly at him.

"The lady speaks the truth," Jay gave her a hug around her shoulders. "So spill it, Lex. Did you and Paigey have it out and apologize and say you're sorry and all is forgiven and now you're bestest girlfriends again?" Jay raised a brow. Alex wasn't listening to him. She was looking into the living room, a half smile spreading on her face.

Paige was smiling back.

"Yeah," Alex shrugged. "Something like that."

"Oh my god, you guys totally did it," Mel gasped, a hand over her mouth.

"WHAT!" Alex squawked, suddenly back in the conversation.

"You did!" Mel was gawking. Jay was trying to remain indifferent but on the inside wanted to squeal along with Mel.

Finally.

"How the fuck did you know that?" Alex snapped.

"You have the look of a woman who did it," Mel replied matter of factly. "I know these things."

"She does," Jay nodded.

"You two are ridiculous!" Alex hissed.

"So did you do it?" Mel kept teasing.

"Yes!" Alex grumbled. She almost looked pissed off. She was too busy trying not to grin to look honestly mad.

"And it's cool that you did it, right?" Mel asked slower this time. She and Jay both looked serious. They looked like they'd start shit if something wasn't cool about the doing it at hand.

"Yeah, of course it is," Alex blushed. She actually looked shy. It reassured both of them. "It's great. We're in a good place, everything is cool." Alex nodded slowly, believing herself more and more now that she was saying it out loud.

"So…is she like… the girlfriend?" Mel raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"We're working it out," Alex shrugged. "Girlfriend is a title. Kind of a label. Neither of us are really interested in using either right now," Alex looked back up again to where Paige was standing across the way. She was dancing with Marco and laughing really hard, her head tilted back.

-------------------------

"So," Marco trailed off, pulling Paige close to him and taking one of her hands, leading her around the living room floor in a sarcastic waltz. It didn't mesh with the hip hop beats coming from the stereo but both of them were feeling tipsy and too happy to care how silly they looked.

"Yes, dear Marco?" Paige giggled.

"I see you have your life back on track, and your room's clean," he spun her around and pulled her back in. "Is that sex life coming along?"

"Marco!" Paige scoffed, looking away with red cheeks. "Frankly, that is none of your business."

"Have I told you how obvious your scarf is yet?" Marco joked, dipping Paige with a goofy grin.

"Obviously fashionable!" Paige joked right back.

-----------------------

"Well, Man, another year is coming to a close," Spinner said, his voice melancholy as he watched Paige and Alex smile away as they played drinking games against Jay and Mel.

"Yeah," Jimmy sighed through a smile before taking another swig from his beer. "I think it was a long one, but a good one," Jimmy shrugged.

"It certainly had a few ups," Spinner tried to fight a smile as he recalled his one night of brief passion with Paige. "But mostly downs," he tacked on sourly as she playfully grabbed Alex and gave her a huge kiss full of giggles and smiles on her cheek.

"Shut up, Dude. This year was pretty great," Jimmy tried. "And check it out. We have a sweet job and a really great line of clothes that people dig. I never would have done any of this without your help."

"Yeah, yeah, no need to get all mushy on me," Spinner joked.

"And I mean, you had a good run with Darcy?" Jimmy tried again.

"Which crashed and burned in a hypocritical flame," Spinner nodded.

"And you got to come back to school."

"Please, keep bringing THAT up," Spinner rolled his eyes.

"You got to have one last hurrah?" Jimmy nodded his head at Paige and lowered his voice.

"I guess it's better to have loved and lost and all that shit, right?" Spinner shrugged.

"Cheers," Jimmy held up his red cup. Spinner clinked his beer against it and they both drank.

"So what's your New Year's Resolution?" Spinner asked after a short lull.

"I was thinking about running a marathon," Jimmy joked.

"Come on, Ass. Tell me," Spinner laughed.

"Alright," Jimmy paused in thought. "My New Year's Resolution is to get my line in five new stores," Jimmy pointed a finger to finalize his choice.

"That resolution is dumb," Spinner waved a hand.

"Alright smart guy," Jimmy replied. "What's yours?"

"Well?" Spinner took a long look at Paige. "My New Year's Resolution is to stop being such an idiot so I don't feel like this next New Years Eve," Spinner gave Jimmy a look. Jimmy just smiled back at him.

"Well then drink up and screw up now, cause you've only got a few more hours of this year left!" He patted Spinner on the shoulder and they both drank from their cups.

-----------------------

"My New Year's Resolution," Ellie began, totally yelling and totally in the arms of a hunky bookish junior from the core she didn't know very well but would love to know better. "Is to stop being so timid when it comes to boys!"

"Here, here!" Blond With Glasses with his hand on her hip raised his cup.

"No!, Come on, don't be a jerk," Ellie laughed. "I mean it! I don't want to be pushed around anymore! I want to be a strong woman, damnit!" Ellie raised her glass.

"I hear that!" a few of the girls from the core spoke up.

"Mine is to find yet another perfect hair cut, and to allow myself more funtime during the semester!" Marco clinked his cup against hers. "No more of this boring Marco and Ellie studying and floor scrubbing on weekends! We're going to have fun this year!" Marco whooped. Ellie joined him. They carried their declarations of Resolutions through the living room to get their coats to head out for a smoke.

"New Year's Resolutions, huh?" Jay looked up as the crew stumbled past. "What's yours?" he asked Mel.

"Save money, exercise more and drink more water," Mel said quickly and mechanically.

"Hun, that's the most generic New Year's Resolution I've ever heard," Paige made a face.

"What can I say? I'm generic," Mel held her hands up. "I think resolutions are silly anyway. Everybody breaks them."

"Well MY New Year's Resolution is to beat the old Mario 3 start to finish, no whistles, find the perfect honey mustard sauce, and get more gas mileage out of my civic," Jay nodded in affirmation.

"Wow, Babe. Setting those goals high," Mel joked, taking his cheeks in her hands.

"I do spend my days thinking of all the important things," Jay grinned at her, then kissed her nose.

"My New Year's Resolution is to stop being a holy mess," Paige offered a tight lipped smile. She felt Alex's hand slide over her lower back. "Of which I am only minorly embarrassed about in front of you guys, but my other resolution is to stop being embarrassed about being a former mess in front of the rest of the world," Paige added with a more genuine smile this time.

"Heavy stuff, Michaelchuck," Jay nodded, impressed.

"Good!" Mel nodded once sharply to let Paige know she supported her. "And if any of those yuppies give you a hard time? Fuck 'em!"

"What about you?" Paige turned to Alex, leaning into her a bit.

"I, uh, hadn't really thought about it," Alex shrugged, hiding her discomfort in a swig of beer.

"What! Come on, you gotta have one," Paige pushed, poking Alex in the ribs, making her flinch.

"No, not really. I don't," Alex shrugged again.

"She must already HAVE the perfect honey mustard," Jay scowled.

"No resolution, Lex?" Mel raised a brow.

"You don't have one either," Alex shot back.

"Yeah, but that's because I'm boring and predictable. We've been over this. You're smart and deep. Smart and deep women make New Year's Resolutions," Mel gestured at Alex with her drink.

"I still have an hour to think of one," Alex shrugged and took another drink.

"Hurry up!" Mel chided. She grabbed Jay by the hand. "Come on, Babe. Let's smoke a butt and leave these two lovebirds alone," Mel rolled her eyes sarcastically. Paige and Alex both blushed.

"I, uh," Alex stammered once Jay and Mel were gone.

"Told them we-"

"Yeah." Alex bit her lower lip hoping Paige wasn't mad.

"You know," Paige took Alex's drink out of her hand and set both of them on the kitchen counter. "My room's right there," Paige lowered her voice and nodded towards her door. She was talking close to Alex's ear over the noise of the party. Her hand was in Alex's back pocket.

"NOW?" Alex yelped.

"I mean, if you don't WANT to, we can just-"

"I didn't say that!" Alex jumped on Paige's words.

"Maybe your resolution should be to start saying what you mean," Paige joked.

"I don't play games, Paigey. Lead the way," Alex pointed at the door.

---------------------

"Alright! Come on, come on! Everyone get in here! It's almost time!" Marco shouted, herding people into the living room and kitchen. Ellie and her new pack of Junior boyfriends were pouring cheap champagne into cups and handing it out. There were two minutes till midnight and everyone at the party was rowdy and drunk and getting as close to the TV as possible.

"Come on!" Paige grabbed Alex's hand and scooped up two plastic cups of champagne with the other. She pulled her close and giggled as their noses bumped, then handed one of the cups to Alex. They were being publicly snuggly, had flushed faces from their impromptu romp, and Paige forgot to add her pink scarf upon her re-entry to the party, but nobody seemed to care. Their friends thought it was great, their acquaintances were polite enough to smile and let it roll off, and the guys there that didn't know them thought it was hot, so everybody won.

"Get some champagne!" Alex whacked Jay on the arm. Mel bounded over with two cups over her head, using her bartender voice to shout EXCUSE ME at men twice her size.

"I fuckin' love New Year's Eve!" Mel shouted once she reached them.

"Come on! It's almost time!" Ellie shouted. She was standing on the coffee table and pouring cups and passing them into the crowd. Paige's lips worked into a half smile just watching her. She was having such a blast and she looked magnificent. That green dress was from Paige's closet, and looked way better on Ellie anyway. Maybe she should let her keep it. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Paige felt she'd done Ellie a favor by fooling around with Jesse that handful of times. He was bad news for Ellie, and once Paige had been there, Ellie had no desire to ever go back again. Tonight she looked free, happy and excited about everything. Part of that was the blanket of confidence that kegs of cheap beer cloaked her in, but part of it was the magic of New Year's Eve. She just hoped it would carry over into the morning. She liked this new Ellie.

"Does everyone have a cup?" Marco shouted. He was on a chair looking over the crowd. He was so cute. So organized. Paige's smile spread to a full one as she raised her glass at him. He gave her the warmest smile back. She and Alex were in one another's arms right in the middle of the floor.

"Happy New Year, Bro," Jimmy raised his glass to Spinner. Spinner finally softened from his sullen sulk he'd been sucked into all night. It was moments like this one that really made him thankful for who Jimmy was. Jimmy had every right to have written him off, but he took him back. He let him have the second chance he needed. He loved him for it. They were doing great with everything despite all the shit that went down between and around them. Maybe the year hadn't been so bad. Maybe it was actually kinda good.

Maybe, all things considered, it was one of the best he'd had in a while.

"You too, Jimmy," Spinner patted Jimmy on the shoulder. They both tried not to admit to themselves that they were having a moment, but it was one of those inevitable warm smile moments when you realize something's been learned. They both laughed to take the seriousness out of it, but both of them knew it was there.

"Ladies? That happiest of New Years," Jay tipped his black ball cap to Alex, Paige, and lastly Mel. Never in his wildest dreams would he have seen himself where he was a few years back. He was in the arms of a beautiful woman who WASN'T Alex at a party completely full of preppy college kids and a complete void of illegal drugs in Paige Michaelchuck's apartment. He chuckled to himself. He wasn't nearly as big of a fuck up as everyone expected. His bills were all in on time. He was on deck for assistant manager at the garage. His best friend was really pulling her life together and dating a former cheerleader turned ivy league renegade.

And he had a really sweet, really smart, happy, healthy, beautiful girlfriend that loved him back.

He kissed Mel's cheek and tried not to let on how lucky he was feeling all of a sudden.

"Right back atcha," Alex tipped her cup at him. She hadn't stopped smiling in hours. Maybe since she woke up. She didn't expect to stop for days. Everything felt so good. And so real. Her friendship with Jay and Mel felt deeper than partners and crime, work buddies or drug traders. They opened themselves completely to her and let her right into their home. She, in turn, had done the unthinkable and admitted she needed their help. The change in her attitude and image since she moved in a few weeks ago was visible. She felt part of something. She felt safe. It was new, and it was different, but it felt good.

And Paige.

Finally, it was all real with Paige.

She had her arm draped around Paige's shoulder as they strained to get a look at the ball dropping on TV. It didn't really matter, it was all kind of the same every year. This year it would be different because of who she kissed at midnight. Whose hand she was holding right now. Whose hair she could smell and whose jeans she was wearing because she hadn't even been home yet. Whose bed she was going to sleep in tonight.

Alex had never felt so perfect in her entire life. She took her own moment to try and think of any time she ever felt better.

Nothing came.

"TEN!" Marco shouted.

"I thought of a resolution," Alex shouted over the counting.

"NINE! EIGHT!"

"Yeah?" Paige turned and looked startled, up at Alex. She was drunk, it was in her eyes, but shit did she look happy too. Alex involuntarily held her tighter.

"SEVEN! SIX!"

"Yeah!" Alex shouted.

"FIVE! FOUR!"

"What is it?" Paige shouted back.

"THREE! TWO!"

"To remember how happy I am right now," Alex tried not to blush at her less-than-tough resolution. Paige stared blankly back.

"ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The entire party shouted out. Champagne was chugged, everyone shared kisses and hugs and shouts of a Happy New Year. Ellie drunkenly started a messy chorus of Old Lang Synge. Paige dropped her cup to the floor, still stunned by Alex's honesty and reached up with both hands to catch Alex's cheeks. She pushed one of the most earnest kisses against Alex's lips.

"I could never hope for anything else," Paige smiled, her arms lazily around Alex's neck. Alex looked down shyly, not meeting Paige's eyes at first. She had her shy smile on. The one where Paige was being almost too sweet. "And you know what?" Paige said thoughtfully, if not a little drunk.

"What," Alex laughed the word out. Paige couldn't remember the last time Alex looked that pretty. Maybe it was the light, maybe it was the smile, maybe it was Paige's make up she was wearing, or just maybe it was the way they felt.

"I don't think this scares the crap out of me as much as it used to," Paige finally stated. Alex looked right at her, suddenly serious.

"Really?" her words were low and hard to hear.

"Yeah, really," Paige nodded slowly. "So I hope your mind is changed, too."

"It's on its way," Alex shrugged, a playful smile on.

"I guess that's all I can ask," Paige sighed through a goofy smile.

"Happy New Year, Paige," Alex squeezed her into a hug. She pulled back and tried to control her smile as she looked Paige over.

"Happy New Us, Hun," Paige smiled even wider before pulling Alex in for another kiss.

The End

--------------------------

I don't really know much about author's notes, or if this is even how you write them, but I hope it is. If not, I think this will work.

I just wanted to extend an honest thanks to anyone who has read this piece, even if you haven't reviewed. But to all of my reviewers, one-time to faithfully posting every chapter, I can't say enough how touched I am by what nice things everyone has to say.

I hope you all enjoyed reading this and that I did some of your favorite Canadians justice. I had a really excellent time writing this piece, and I didn't really expect to ever do more with it than experiment for few chapters to practice some character development skills that were new to me. With the responses I was getting, I felt like it needed to be finished, and I had a blast.

Thanks again, everybody.

Hurricane Jane


End file.
